discipline has not always been easy for us nor have we always done it right. We could never have written this book without the many years of parenting we have under our belt. It wasn’t until our kids started having kids that we fully realized the value of what we had done – and hadn’t done – as disciplinarians. Besides our own experience, much of the advice in this book comes from the real experts: veteran parents of disciplined children who over the years have shared their wisdom with us.
You may feel that some advice in this book is too lenient, or that other advice is too harsh. You may feel, “I can’t do that with my child.” If it doesn’t feel right to you, you shouldn’t do it. Discipline is not a list of techniques to be plucked from a book, tried insensitively on your child, and followed rigidly. Instead, use the tools in this book to develop a philosophy of discipline, and use whatever tools fit your child and your family situation to create your own style of discipline.
How to read this book depends upon your needs. If you are first-time parents with a new baby, this book is a recipe for discipline, a philosophy of child rearing, and for some even a guide for living. If you are already experiencing discipline problems, this is also a repair manual, a fix-it-yourself book. Parents, we want you to realize the rewards of investing in your child’s behaviour. While parents should take neither all the credit nor all the blame for the person their child becomes, we believe that many of the problems society now faces – crime, violence, sexual irresponsibilities, and social insensitivities – stem from poor discipline in the child and in the adult that child becomes.
A mother in my surgery, desperate for direction on how she could influence society, said: “The streets are full of crime, the homes are full of violence, and schools spend more time keeping law and order than teaching. I feel powerless to make a difference, and I don’t believe government knows how to change this course of events.” I told this mum: “You can change the world, one child at a time. Do what you and no one but you can do – discipline your child.”
William and Martha Sears
San Clemente, California
March 1995
I promoting desirable behaviour
How parents and child get started with each other influences the discipline relationship. Some parents will naturally ease into discipline, and some children are easier to discipline. Other parents, partly because of how they were disciplined as children, lack confidence in guiding and correcting their child. For these parents, the early chapters of this book will help you to become confident parents while giving your child the start you never got. We begin by discussing the attachment style of parenting, a way of getting connected to your child. Our journey into discipline starts by giving you the tools to get connected to your child in the early years, when the little person is under construction. We help you to build your sensitivity to your child, and your child’s toward you; to know what is age-appropriate behaviour; to help your child to become comfortably expressive, to handle anger, and to develop self-confidence. And from that basic relationship, loving guidance flows naturally. Attachment parenting brings rewards for parents as well as children. Putting in some extra effort at the beginning will save time and energy later on. You won’t have to do as much of the repair work we discuss in Part II.
chapter 1 our approach to discipline
How do parents get children to do the things they want them to do – and to want to do those things? This is the age-old problem of discipline, a matter not only of directing children’s behaviour but also of motivating it. The answer is grounded not in a catalogue of behaviour-controlling techniques but in the parent-child relationship itself.
If you know your child well and are sensitive to his needs, so that he trusts you, the ability to get him to behave well will follow naturally because he wants to please you.
Discipline is more about having the right relationship with your child than it is about using the “right” techniques. One of our goals in this book is to help you and your child become more sensitive persons. Our main approach to the topic of discipline can be summed up in one word – “sensitivity” – teaching parents how to understand the mind of their child, and teaching children how to consider the effects of their behaviour on others. Many of today’s discipline (and social) problems can be traced to one source – insensitivity toward oneself and others. So while we do present behaviour-improving ideas throughout this book, we focus mostly on the important parent-child connection. We call this the “attachment approach”.
In order to better understand exactly what is different about our attachment approach, it helps to take a look at various other methods of discipline. Discipline methods fall into three categories:the authoritarian style, the communication approach, and the behaviour modification approach. All three of these ways of guiding children’s behaviour have strengths and weaknesses. In twenty-two years of experience in handling discipline problems in paediatric practice, and in disciplining eight children of our own, we have found that all three of these approaches are useful at different times, though by themselves they are not enough.
The authoritarian style. The traditional way of disciplining, authoritarianism, focuses on parents as authority figures whom children must obey or face the consequences. As one authoritarian father put it: “I’m the dad, he’s the child, and that’s that! I don’t need this modern psychology stuff. If he gets out of line, I’ll show him who’s boss.” With this style of parenting, smacking is considered appropriate, even necessary. The good part of this approach is that it makes it clear that parents must take charge of their children. Many of today’s discipline problems result from adults avoiding responsibility for the behaviour of their children. Children need wise authority figures in order to learn what to do and what not to do. Authority will always be an important part of the discipline package.
Yet many problems can occur with authoritarian parenting. For one, the child can fail to feel the parents’ love. The child can also internalize fear of the parents’ power to the point that it controls her life, even in adulthood. Most important, however, is that when it is used as the sole method of discipline, authoritarianism simply doesn’t work. There are several reasons for this. First, it causes parents to focus so much on stamping out the bad in their children that they tend to overlook the good. Also, the emphasis on punishment keeps parents from learning more appropriate ways to correct their children, ways that could lessen the necessity for punishment in the first place. Worst of all with authoritarian discipline, children behave more out of fear of punishment than desire to please. As a result, they develop no inner controls. Once the controllers’ backs are turned, the controllees can run wild. They may not throw their toys on the floor as adults, but they will lack the inner discipline needed to motivate and control themselves when there is no threat of dire consequences.
The authoritarian style regards discipline as something you do to a child, not a learning
discipline is therapeutic
Disciplining a child, especially a difficult child, brings out the best and the worst in parents. It challenges them to act like the adults they want their children to become. Thus, in disciplining your child, you discipline yourself. To fix your child’s behaviour, you must fix your own. As you train
