to believe, but I didn’t do anything bad. I went to class, I had lunch, I went to Bull Moose and I came back here. That’s all. Besides, how can I do anything with you riding my ass at every turn?”
Instead of yelling at me she just tossed her hands in the air and then banged them on her thighs.
“Why are you being like this, Jos? What happened to my little sister who never, ever swore? I don’t feel like I know you anymore.”
“Maybe you didn’t know me before. Maybe that girl was a lie.” She had been a lie. That girl had a metal rod shoved so far up her butt she was choking on it. That girl was so afraid of stepping out of line or making any waves that she never did anything. Never broke curfew. Never got drunk. Never did anything that could be construed as wild, or out of control, or free.
She was so fucking uptight that she barely ever laughed. Or smiled. Or had any fun of any kind. That girl never would have just sat in a dark room and listened to music without it having a purpose. Being that girl was exhausting, but no one knew.
“I just don’t know what to say to you anymore, Jos. You’re my sister and I feel like you’re a complete stranger. What am I supposed to do?” For the first time, I heard the hopelessness in her voice. Renee didn’t get hopeless. She didn’t get weak. She was always tough as nails; she had to be with our crazy parents.
“You don’t have to do anything. Just...give me some space. I can’t breathe.” I sat down on my bed and she came and sat next to me.
“I never thought that I would be this worried about you. You’re the good one. You made the rest of us look like losers. It was hell when our report cards would come out and you’d always have A’s and the rest of us had to compete with that. It sucked, by the way.” She bumped my shoulder with hers.
“I’m sorry?”
“No, I just wish I had been the one who could have set the good example. You know, I’m supposed to be the oldest and all that. I tried, but you were always better.”
Was. Past tense.
She touched my hair. “Are you ever going to tell me what happened last year?”
I shook my head. “I just decided that life was worth living, and I hadn’t been.”
“All of a sudden? Carpe diem?”
Sure.
“Something like that.”
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