but he didn’t reply. I can only assume he was too engrossed in a conversation to answer me.
90
Turn - take
This is the basic rule of conversation. You each take a turn to speak. And you each take a turn to listen. This second bit is quite important. Listening is different to just watching the other person’s mouth and waiting for it to stop moving so you can start talking again.
91
The onus is on you to make the conversation interesting
Don’t immediately write someone off as boring; most people have something interesting to say and, if you can find a way to ask good questions, you should be able to have an interesting conversation with anyone.
92
Don’t interrogate
The vibe you’re going for in a conversation is ‘gentle inquisition’. No one wants to feel like they’re being cross-examined at a murder trial. Subtle coaxing to extract further detail is permissible but don’t badger them like a lawyer going after an uncooperative witness.
93
Keep your questions to ten words or less
You’re not on Radio National trying to expose a politician for misuse of public funds.
94
Move on rather than resort to air filler phrases
Sometimes, despite the best of intentions, you just run out of stuff to say. Always move on before you start filling the awkward silence with phrases like ‘Ahhh, wouldn’t be dead for quids’ or ‘C’est la vie’ or ‘Well, here we are’.
95
Don’t ask vegetarians why they are vegetarian
It’s a question that they are forced to answer every time they sit down for a meal with a new person. It’s boring for them and if you’re lucky they will shut you down with a non-committal shrug and a vague ‘I just prefer not to eat meat.’ But if you’re unlucky you’ll come up against a fundamentalist who will redirect the question right back at you and ask why you’re NOT vegetarian. They will then rail at you about cruelty to animals, about how your love of meat is destroying the planet and basically make you feel really guilty about your choices. Either way, there’s no satisfactory answer so don’t waste anyone’s time, including your own, asking the question.
The exception is if you’re talking to comedian Dave Hughes, who has quite an interesting answer, which relates to the fact that he used to work in an abattoir and it put him off eating meat for life. It will probably put you off eating meat too, not necessarily for life but at least for a couple of days, so that’s good—you can do your bit for the planet, even if it’s just for a day or two.
96
Always, however, ask converts why they converted
There is something quite bizarre about grown-up people with solid, tertiary educations converting to one of the traditional book religions. As someone who grew up Catholic and experienced the pointless rituals and praying first-hand, I have never understood how a rational, thinking adult can choose to adopt formalised religion. It’s different when you’re born into it, you don’t know anything else and besides, it’s your family, it’s your culture.
97
Know when the small talk well is running dry and bail out
‘Got any travel plans?’ is an acceptable question when you’re struggling to sustain a floundering conversation; however, if you then follow it up with ‘Oh that’s nice … so, when do you go away?’ the conversation is officially dead in the water. So make an excuse and exeunt. Unless you’re planning a burglary of their house, there is nothing to be gained by garnering the exact dates of an acquaintance’s holiday.
98
Recounting a TV series to someone in great detail does not constitute good conversation
I do this a lot. Sorry everyone.
99
Have a few emergency ‘go - to’ questions for when the conversation stalls
Basic conversation starters like:
‘Who do you fancy in the Australian Open?’
or
‘What’s your favourite soup recipe?’
or
‘Would you rather be deaf or blind?’
or
‘If you could ask Jennifer Aniston one question, what would it be?’
or
‘Hand on heart, if you’d had an attic, would you have let Anne Frank hide in there?’
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