the room, could picture herself in the oak rocker by the window, her son cradled against her chest, sunlight streaming through the window, the perfect picture of familial happiness. Almost.
A sigh escaping her, Allegra moved to the window and looked out at the dusty hills. It hadn’t rained in weeks and the air felt stuffy. Now in her sixth month of pregnancy, she felt huge and awkward and more than a little grumpy. She rested one hand on her belly, trying yet again to banish the fears that skirted her mind, threatened to swamp her heart.
For the last few weeks she and Rafael had reached a holding pattern of spending their nights together—and what wonderful nights they were—and the days mostly apart. While she couldn’t fault Rafael for his solicitude and kind concern, the remoteness she sensed in him, the careful emotional distance he always kept between them, made her want to scream.
She wanted more. She tried for more, but at every turn Rafael foiled her obvious conversational gambits, her clumsy attempts to increase their intimacy. Was this what love was? Because she thought—she feared—that she loved him. Or at least that she could let him, if he’d let her. If he opened up.
But since that first incredible night he’d stayed remote. He didn’t even spend the whole night with her when they made love. He held her for a little while afterwards, but he never slept with her and every morning Allegra woke to an empty bed and an aching heart.
She wanted more than this. She needed more than this. After a lifetime of trying to avoid intimacy and love, here she was, desperate for it. The very situation she’d been wary of had happened, and it felt as if there was nothing she could do about it.
‘I have to go to Naples.’
Allegra started in surprise at the sight of Rafael in the doorway of the nursery. She couldn’t tell anything from his usual, closed-off expression, but even so she felt a ripple of alarm. ‘Naples? Why? Is it business?’ He’d gone to Palermo several times a week, and Milan and Rome once each.
There was a slight, taut pause. ‘No.’
Allegra frowned. ‘No? Then...what? I mean, why?’
Rafael didn’t answer for a long moment. Allegra thought he wouldn’t. ‘My sister,’ he said finally, shocking her.
‘Your sister...but...’ She trailed off, unsure what to say. She’d thought he’d lost his sister, that she’d died. He’d spoken about her as if she was gone, and so Allegra had assumed the worst.
‘She’s not well,’ Rafael said abruptly. ‘I need to...go to her.’
Allegra stared at him, sensing the dark undercurrent of anxiety under his terse tone, and she ached to help. Wanted to comfort him, but knew he wouldn’t let her. And yet...if he kept her apart in this, what hope was there? How could she ever get closer to him?
‘Let me come with you,’ she said, part entreaty, part demand, and Rafael’s face shuttered.
‘No.’
‘Why not?’ Allegra challenged. ‘Please don’t keep shutting me out, Rafael, and pushing me away. If we’re going to have a child together, if we’re going to marry...’
‘You are being melodramatic. I haven’t pushed you away.’
‘Not at night,’ Allegra agreed, lifting her chin. ‘Not in bed. But in every other way you have. You know you have. I keep trying to reach you, and you keep refusing me. Please, Rafael, don’t refuse me in this. I want to support you...’
Rafael stared at her for a long moment, his expression both hard and bleak, and then he finally gave one quick, terse nod. ‘Fine,’ he said. ‘But I need to leave within the hour.’
* * *
He shouldn’t have let her come. A deep unease settled into Rafael’s gut as he climbed into the helicopter after Allegra. He hadn’t intended to let her come, of course he hadn’t. The last thing he wanted was for Allegra to see Angelica, see his shame.
But, he thought with a resolve tinged with despair, perhaps it was better this way. Perhaps, instead of having to maintain that careful distance, it would yawn between them, gape wide, because finally Allegra would see just what he was and how he’d failed.
The call had come that morning, from a doctor in Naples who had found his sister’s ID in her bag, as well as his name and phone number. She’d been discovered in an alley, unconscious, unresponsive. The last time the doctor had warned that another overdose could kill her. Angelica didn’t seem to care, and Rafael feared that was because she wanted to die. His father’s death had been quick, a single shot; his mother a slow, deliberate wasting away. Angelica was choosing self-destruction. And it was all his fault.
‘Is your sister ill?’ Allegra asked, shouting over the sound of the helicopter that would take them to Palermo for the short flight to Naples.
‘In a manner of speaking.’ Rafael turned to look out the window to avoid answering any more of Allegra’s questions. She would see soon enough what Angelica was like. What he was like.
And then? The unease he’d been feeling deepened into dark regret. Then things would be changed between them for ever.
They didn’t talk much on the flight to Naples; Allegra seemed to sense his mood and kept quiet, while Rafael kept his head down, his eyes on his tablet, dealing with work issues.
A car was waiting for them when they emerged from the airport, blinking in the afternoon sunlight, the muted roar of the city’s traffic, the raucous honking of horns and exclamations of passers-by hitting Rafael like a smack in the face. He didn’t like the busy, dirty streets of Naples. He’d offered a dozen times or more to pay for Angelica to move somewhere more congenial, but she’d always refused.
He gave the address of the hospital to the driver and then leaned back in the seat. Allegra looked at him in concern.
‘Won’t you tell me what’s going on?’ she asked quietly.
‘What is there to tell?’ Rafael shrugged, dismissing the question with a lift of his eyebrows. ‘My sister is in hospital.’ He paused, pressing his lips together. ‘A drug overdose.’
He could tell he’d shocked her with that one. And that was just the beginning.
‘What...?’ Allegra’s face crumpled with sympathy. ‘Oh, Rafael...’
‘Don’t.’ He shrugged away her compassion. ‘It happens often enough. And there’s nothing I’ve been able to do about it.’
Allegra lapsed into silence and Rafael looked away. He really shouldn’t have brought her, but perhaps it would, painfully, be for the best.
* * *
Allegra’s mouth was dry, her heart pinging in her chest, as she followed Rafael into the hospital lift. He pressed a button and then folded his arms over his chest, biceps bulging, face like an iron mask.
She’d been surprised and gratified when he’d agreed to let her come, but since he’d made that decision he’d seemed only to regret it, and he’d been colder and more remote that ever. She wondered if asking to come had been a mistake, and if Rafael would simply use this as a way to push her even further away.
The
