pill totally ineffective. We’d only been married four months, and, as you know, neither my parents nor James’s wanted us to marry.
‘James was twenty-six, barely out of university and qualified. I was only nineteen. With hindsight I can see why they wanted us to wait, but we were in love—or at least I was in love. I suppose with James it was just sex. I was the classic example of an only girl in a family of boys—the only experimenting with sex I ever got to try, with my four big brothers always standing guard, was a furtive kiss or two at the odd party I managed to get to unchaperoned.
‘I was so sexually naïve, and I’d had it dinned into me so much by the boys just what their peers thought of girls who were sexually promiscuous, that I honestly believed that the boys—men—really did only respect a girl who said “no”.
‘And that was despite the fact that, had I had the wit to do so, I could have seen for myself that none of my brothers exactly practised what he preached, but of course I’d grown up so much in their shadow, and so over-protected. The male of the species most definitely does have one rule for himself and another for those females he considers to be his responsibility.’
A fact which Charlie was now endorsing by his antagonism towards Tom Longton, Heather reflected as she laughed at Win’s rueful words.
‘But surely, once Charlie was born, James changed—?’
Win shook her head, cutting her off.
‘He was away when Charlie arrived. After we discovered I was pregnant, he got another job, one where he earned more money, but it meant him travelling into the city every day, setting off at seven in the morning and not getting back most evenings until gone eight or nine. He was at a conference when I was in labour.’ Win’s mouth twisted a little. ‘I tried to ring him, but she told me he was unobtainable.’
Heather had no need to ask who ‘she’ was. She knew the story of how Win had discovered that her husband was involved in an affair with his personal assistant.
‘No, James never really wanted anything to do with Charlie. He complained that his crying got on his nerves, and I could see from the look on his face when he came home at night how disgusted he was by the state of the house, and me.’
Win sighed again.
‘Perhaps if my parents hadn’t had to be away in Edinburgh with Gran…If there’d just been someone there to help me with Charlie when he was so ill. I felt so afraid, Heather. People tried to be kind, but the hospital staff made me feel so incompetent, as though I couldn’t really be trusted to look after Charlie. He was so small and so frail, and then having that dreadful gastro-enteritis…I—I thought he was going to die, and that it was all my fault. I suppose I could have told Mum, but she’d been so angry when I insisted on getting married and not going on to university as I’d planned. I can understand why now, but then—well, it caused a rift between us for a time, and I felt that I couldn’t admit that she was right and I was wrong and tell her how frightened I was for Charlie.’
‘And James’s mother?’ Heather pressed sympathetically.
‘They were in Canada visiting James’s elder sister, a trip they’d been saving for and planning for a long time. They’ve retired there now, although they still keep in touch.’
‘Poor Win. You did have a bad time, didn’t you?’ Heather told her, remembering the joy of the birth of her own first son. She had been in her late twenties and Paul’s birth had been carefully and hopefully planned, just as soon as she and Rick had felt able to afford to start their family. Her own mother had been alive then, and on hand to help and support her, as had Rick’s sisters and mother. Rick had been with her for the birth, and had taken a month off work afterwards, to be with her and their baby.
‘It was my own fault,’ Win insisted. ‘James and I should never have married. I was too young and I was certainly far too immature to have a child. Perhaps if I’d been married to a different kind of man, one who was less selfish…’ She bit her lip. ‘That’s what I’m so afraid of, Heather—that James is going to shatter all Charlie’s illusions. Charlie worships him, but he doesn’t really know him, and I’m so afraid that once he does…I know that Charlie needs a man in his life, the right kind of male influence and guidance, but for that influence to come from James…’
‘And you’re sure he’s coming back permanently and not just for a visit?’ Heather persisted.
‘So it seems. After all, he is the business, and I suppose he can produce these computer software packages just as easily here as he does in Australia. It’s very difficult for me to talk to Charlie about his father,’ Win admitted. ‘Charlie tends to get very defensive and sullen—my fault, I suppose. Sometimes I feel he almost wants me to criticise James so that he can immediately leap to his defence.’
‘Have you ever tried to discuss with Charlie the reasons why you divorced his father?’ Heather asked gently.
Win shook her head.
‘No. I know he blames me for the divorce, though. I hate myself for saying this, Heather, but sometimes—well, it’s almost as though I’m willing James to reveal himself to Charlie in his true colours, and yet really that’s the last thing I want, because I know how much it would hurt Charlie if he did.’
Heather’s face softened.
‘You judge yourself too harshly,’ she told her, hugging her. ‘You are only human, Win, and I know how hard it’s been for you. All right, so James left you with the house and never tried to claim his share, and financially he’s always been generous…’
‘I’ve never spent a penny of his money on myself,’ Win told her quickly, defensively almost.
‘I know you haven’t, and it can’t have been easy for you once James did start to take an interest in Charlie—all those expensive and inappropriate gift parcels from Sydney, and then that trip out there…’
‘I think it was that that spurred me into going to college and getting myself some proper qualifications, getting myself a job.’
‘But you’ve always worked,’ Heather protested.
Win pulled a face. ‘Part-time jobs without any real status—the kind of low-paid jobs that women like me have to take. I suddenly realised how poor an image I was giving Charlie of our sex. I wanted him to see that women could achieve and be successful.’ She bit her lip and flushed. ‘I suppose, if I’m honest, I was jealous of constantly hearing him saying how successful James was, and, let’s face it, working at the hotel can hardly compare with owning and running a successful company.’
‘I know you better than that,’ Heather told her stalwartly. ‘And I also know that the last thing you want for Charlie is that he should judge and measure people by their commercial achievements. You’ve worked so hard to encourage him to grow in every direction, Win. All those cold wet afternoons watching him play football! I used to get quite furious with you when Danny came back and complained that I never watched him play. And then there’s his chess, and his swimming, not to mention the drama group…’
She stopped as Win pulled another face. ‘You make it sound as though I’m force-feeding him on “suitable” activities. I just didn’t want him to grow up being isolated. You feel you have to try so much harder when there’s only you.’ Her mouth trembled suddenly, and Heather realised how very genuinely disturbed her friend was by the fears aroused by her ex-husband’s projected
