‘Yes.’ Ben took a sip of the fiery liquid and let it trickle down his throat.
‘So you had no idea about Theo?’
‘Yes and no.’ Another sip of whisky followed the first and the fire reached his belly. He had a son, a child of his own, something he had never dared hope he would have. Shock slowly started to turn to something more, the first glimmer of a far more positive emotion, but he battened it down. He didn’t want to get ahead of himself, didn’t want to believe the evidence of his eyes with nothing to back it up.
‘Yes and no? I don’t understand. Either you knew that Theo was yours or you didn’t. Which is it?’
‘Emily told me she was expecting my child but I didn’t believe her.’ The words sounded so bald that the burgeoning feeling of euphoria disappeared. They obviously had a detrimental effect on Tom too because his tone sharpened.
‘Why the hell not? Emily’s not the sort of woman who’d string a guy along. Anyone who knows her will tell you that.’
Ben grimaced, aware that he had sunk more than a little in his friend’s estimation. ‘I didn’t believe her because I thought I was incapable of fathering a child.’
‘Really? How come?’
Tom’s tone was less abrasive and Ben sighed. Although he rarely talked about what had happened this was one time when he needed to open up.
‘I had Hodgkin’s lymphoma when I was in my twenties.’ He shrugged. ‘I had chemotherapy and I was told that it was unlikely I would be able to father a child because of the combination of drugs I’d received. A subsequent fertility test seemingly proved that.’
‘I had no idea!’ Tom exclaimed.
Ben smiled wryly. ‘It’s not something I talk about normally.’
‘No. I can understand that.’ Tom frowned. ‘So, what you’re saying is that you’ve always believed you were infertile?’
Ben nodded. ‘Yes. When Emily came to see me in Paris, I simply assumed she was lying and that the child wasn’t mine.’
‘But surely you knew her well enough to know that she wouldn’t do something like that?’ Tom protested.
‘Maybe I should have done. However, when you have always believed what you’ve been told, it’s difficult to accept that someone is telling you something very different.’ Ben summoned a smile, trying not to let his friend see how awful he felt. He had been so cruel to Emily that day, turned her away with harsh words instead of offering her the support she’d deserved. He couldn’t bear to think how she must have suffered.
‘I suppose so.’
Tom sounded dubious and Ben realised that his friend still considered him to be at fault in some way. The fact that he felt he was too didn’t make him feel any better. They both drank a little more whisky before Tom spoke again and there was a definite challenge in his voice.
‘So what are you going to do? Are you going to try and sort out this mess or are you planning on leaving the situation as it is?’
‘Obviously, it needs sorting out. If I’m Theo’s father then there is no way that I intend to turn my back on him. I want to be involved in his life.’
‘If Emily will let you.’
‘Oui. If Emily will let me,’ Ben agreed flatly. ‘I would not blame her if she refused. When I recall what I said to her that day…’ He broke off and shrugged.
Tom shook his head. ‘It seems to me that you’ve a lot of ground to make up. If I can help in any way then just ask. However, I have a feeling that only you can work this out, you and Emily, that is.’ Tom downed the rest of his drink and stood up. He patted Ben on the shoulder as he passed. ‘Why don’t you sleep on it? Most problems appear better after a night’s rest, I find.’
Ben stayed where he was as Tom headed upstairs. He swirled the whisky around the glass. Would there be a solution in the morning though? Would he know how to approach Emily and make his apologies? Would she accept them? He had accused her of lying about something so important and he wouldn’t blame her if she refused to have anything to do with him. Tom was right because he should have realised that Emily would never try to deceive him that way. Even though they had known each other for such a short time, he should have recognized that it was alien to her nature.
He sighed. In his own defence, he had firmly believed that he was infertile. Although, as a doctor, he understood that nothing was ever one hundred per cent certain, the tests he’d had seemingly had ruled out the possibility of him fathering a child. That was why it had never occurred to him that Emily might have been telling him the truth. He had seen the test results, seen the evidence with his own eyes, ergo she’d been lying.
The fact that he’d felt so hurt and betrayed by her apparent treachery had been another reason why he had reacted so strongly, he realised. Having cancer had changed his whole outlook on life. He had stopped planning for the future for the simple reason that the future might never happen. That was why he had taken only short-term working contracts after he’d recovered. A month here, two months there—it may not have been the career he’d planned, but at least he wouldn’t end up letting people down.
As for his private life, well, that had been simpler; any relationships he’d had had been strictly casual. There were no certainties in his life any more. Things could and did change in the blink of an eye as he knew from experience. He wasn’t in a position whereby he could commit himself to a relationship. However, when he’d met Emily, he had found himself doing the unthinkable, imagining what it would be like to share his life with her. That was why it had hit him so hard when she’d told him she was pregnant. He had always wanted a child and he’d known that he would have loved their child so very much…
Ben made himself stop right there. That was all in the past. Now he had to focus on the present, on finding a way to persuade Emily to give him a second chance. He only had to recall his relationship with his own father to understand how important it was that he and Theo got to know one another. It wasn’t going to be easy to convince Emily after the way he had behaved. Maybe there had been mitigating factors, and maybe she would take them into account if he was lucky, but all the maybes in the world didn’t add up to a guarantee. Whilst he was sure that Theo would benefit from having him around, he doubted if Emily would feel that she’d gain from it.
He grimaced. From what he had seen, Emily neither needed nor wanted him in her life.
Emily was glad that it was Saturday and that there was no surgery that day. Although she loved her job, a sleepless night had left her feeling drained. She got Theo dressed then gave him his breakfast in the garden because it was another gloriously sunny day. Leaving him eating his cereal, she went back inside and made herself a cup of coffee.
All night long thoughts had whizzed around her head, thoughts of Theo and Ben and what would happen. Would Ben change his mind about wanting to be involved in Theo’s life now that he’d seen him, or would it make no difference whatsoever? It would be easier if she knew how she felt about it all but she didn’t. On the one hand she didn’t want anything to do with Ben after the way he had treated her; however, on the other, she couldn’t bear to think that Theo might suffer if she denied him access to his father. Having been brought up by parents who had loved and supported her unconditionally, she didn’t want to deny Theo that same
