here.”
“Yes,” he murmured. But he offered no further comment.
Grace stared down at her coffee, wishing she’d thought about what she wanted to say. She stared out the window at the expansive structure. “When did you build the barn?”
“The contractor started construction the beginning of December.”
“I didn’t realize you intended to make such major improvements to the property.”
Now it was Cliff who stared down at his coffee. “I mentioned a new barn a couple of times.”
“Oh, yes. That’s right, you did.” Of course he’d talked about it. She had a vague recollection of it. Anytime they were together she’d been preoccupied, wondering when she could get back home and onto the computer. Grace could only guess how much else she’d missed.
“I mentioned hiring Cal, too.”
“I do remember that.” What she recalled was Cliff’s saying he might hire a full-time trainer. She’d obviously been mentally absent during subsequent conversations.
He glanced at his watch—an unmistakable signal that her time was almost up.
“I came because I wanted to apologize, Cliff,” she said quickly. This was difficult. Painful. Embarrassing. But she had to do it. “You were right—I was involved with someone else.”
His eyes narrowed. “Married?”
Her face was flushed as she nodded. “He lives out of state—we only spoke online.”
Cliff sipped his coffee and didn’t comment.
She nodded again. “It’s over. Thank God I came to my senses before…before anything happened.” She didn’t mention how close it had been. Or that it was only by chance she’d learned the truth about Will. If it hadn’t been for Olivia, Grace would have sunk deeper and deeper until she’d been completely swallowed up in the deception. She blinked back tears as she thought about the people she’d deceived—Cliff, first of all, and Georgia. Olivia. Her own daughters. Herself…
“I misled you,” Grace murmured, struggling with remorse. “You’ve been nothing but kind, and I abused that. Oh, Cliff, can you ever forgive me?”
“Of course I can,” he said without emotion. After a moment, he added, “But, unfortunately, I can’t undo the past.”
Grace didn’t understand what he was telling her. “I realize that.”
“Do you?” he asked, looking doubtful. He set his coffee mug in the sink, standing there for a moment with his back to her.
“Explain it to me.”
Cliff turned to face her. “I think I told you this before. I know what it’s like to be betrayed. I recognized the signs.”
She hung her head, aware she’d hurt him badly. With everything in her, she wanted to erase the pain she’d caused him.
“Susan had quite a few affairs over the years,” he continued. “It was a sickness with her, I think. At first I wondered if there was something missing in me, something I wasn’t giving her. She was constantly seeking admiration and approval from men. The only way she seemed capable of getting what she needed was through these affairs. Yet she repeatedly told me how much she loved me.”
He smiled then, and it was the saddest smile Grace had ever seen.
“The irony is that I believe Susan did love me. For most of our marriage I looked the other way and tried to pretend her indiscretions didn’t matter, but I was wrong. They mattered a lot. I held on to the marriage for Lisa’s sake. Then before I knew it, my daughter was grown-up, and all at once I realized I was trapped in a relationship that was nothing more than a pretence.”
Grace knew how painful it was for Cliff to discuss the details of his marriage. She also knew what that felt like. Her own marriage had been difficult. For years she’d believed it was something lacking in her that had brought on Dan’s dark moods. Only after his death did she learn she wasn’t to blame, although she’d accepted responsibility for Dan’s unhappiness. Cliff’s situation had been quite different, but Grace identified with his emotions.
“I was hoping the two of us could start over again,” she said, forcing herself to meet his eyes. She so badly wanted to put this behind them and pick up where they’d left off.
He stared at her for the longest moment of her life and then reluctantly looked away. In that movement she read his answer.
“I can’t,” Cliff said in a voice so low Grace had to strain to hear him.
“But…” She wanted to argue, but even before she could get the words out she knew it would do no good. His mind was made up and nothing she said or did now would change that.
“I can’t go back, Grace. I lived that life once.”
“But I wouldn’t—I was faithful to Dan for thirty-five years. I’m not anything like Susan.”
Cliff crossed his arms. He was shutting her out, she thought. He’d rather be anyplace except with her. Still, she held her ground, unwilling to give up on them so easily.
“I’m not saying you’re like Susan,” he told her. “I’m simply saying I can’t deal with the feelings I associate with her. The last time I saw you, it was as though every doubt, every negative emotion from my marriage, came flying at me. I don’t want to live like that. I can’t. I don’t want to deal with those emotions anymore.” Lowering his head, he murmured, “For a while I believed we had something special.”
“We did,” she said. And she’d ruined it.
“Perhaps,” he agreed quietly, “but I don’t feel that way now.” His expression was full of regret. “I don’t think it would be a good idea for us to see each other again. I’m sorry, Grace.”
Her heart felt as though it had leapt to her throat and was pounding its way out. Rather than risk speaking and having her voice crack, Grace nodded. She finished her coffee, then slipped off the kitchen stool.
“I guess this is goodbye.” That was all she could manage.
Cliff nodded.
With only pride holding her together, Grace left the kitchen.
Cliff accompanied her into the foyer and retrieved her coat. He held it for her and she blindly shoved her arms into the sleeves.
Then he placed his hands on her shoulders, gently turning her in his arms. As if he couldn’t stop himself, he kissed her. A final kiss. His mouth was moist and warm as it covered hers.
Grace came into his embrace, wrapping her arms around him as she gave herself to the kiss. She sensed his hunger, his desire—and his regret. All too soon, long before she was ready, he pulled away.
He refused to meet her eyes. “Goodbye,” he said, and opened the door for her.
Twenty-Five
“Are
