wasn’t quite sure how she would accomplish that yet, but there had to be a way to balance home life with hospital life.
She took a long look at Jason. He just wasn’t the home-and-hearth type. Anything that couldn’t be analyzed under a microscope had no place in his life.
Jason raised a sardonic eyebrow. “I really see no reason for you to kick me out of your personal life just because I turned down a gala or two, choosing the art of medicine over the act of socializing. Faux fawning is not what I majored in during med school.”
He hid his hurt behind his bristling posture.
She had thought they were beyond that. That he had stopped using the mask with her. Maybe they had been before she’d called it quits between them.
“This isn’t about the parties.”
He’d said more than once that he didn’t do emotions, but he’d lied. He’d shown her plenty of passion. And for a while there she had thought he’d also shown her caring and concern and an occasional glimpse of vulnerability. Maybe it had only been in her imagination to start with.
Now it didn’t matter. He’d known she’d needed to talk. She’d told him it was important. Standing her up for dinner had been a non-verbal response louder than a shout. She just wasn’t enough for him to step outside his comfort zone.
If he wouldn’t risk his emotions for her then he wouldn’t for his child, either.
“But you just said—” He dropped the attitude. “I don’t understand, Stephanie.”
This was a huge admission when he prided himself on his intellect. He really didn’t understand.
“Jason, I want more.” She reached out to him, then pulled her hand back before she could make contact. “It’s not you. It’s me.”
Jason rolled his eyes at the platitude.
It was her. They’d both agreed from the beginning that neither wanted a serious relationship. Jason would readily admit that his work was his mistress.
She had breached her part of the bargain and taken this much further than an informal friendship with bedroom benefits.
Then, that night at his cabin in the mountains, when they’d lain on his porch looking into the black sky at the pinpoints of stars above, he’d reached for her hand and she’d known. His touch had made more than her skin tingle. It had made her soul vibrate in accord with his. Life and love had flowed through their clasped hands, intertwining their hearts.
That was when she’d known, Jason filled a place inside her that no one else ever could—a place in her heart made just for him from the moment she was born.
Being honest with herself, she’d known their relationship had been destined to become more from the start—at least for her. She didn’t do casual sex—and, as guarded as Jason had always been about his dating life, she was sure he didn’t either.
But then neither did he do commitment. And raising a child took more commitment than a dozen medical degrees.
Destiny didn’t guarantee happily-ever-after, and now she had a child to think about.
That was why she’d had to break it off with him, even though it had broken her heart. She might be able to suffer through a casual come-and-go relationship, but she would never subject her child to that kind of pain and uncertainty.
She needed to create a stable environment that would surround and protect her child with love. She was prepared to do that. She had the financial means, the emotional capacity, and by the time her child was born she would have her work-life in perspective, too.
Now was the time. Before she burst into hormonal tears she needed to tell him about the baby and then walk away.
Now. She should tell him now, while she had his undivided attention. “Jason, I need—”
His phone vibrated. He held up a finger to wait.
“Drake here,” he answered. Not a word wasted on social niceties. “No, Doctor, I can take your call. We’ve played tag trying to communicate long enough.”
His eyes clouded as he looked through her. Another medical matter taking precedence over her. Was it too much to ask to be first? To know that their child would be first in Jason’s life if only for a second?
Yes. It was too much to ask. While Jason was devoted to the practice of medicine, extending such devotion to a personal relationship was beyond his capabilities. She had to resign herself to that.
She reached for her lab coat, flailing to find the armhole. He’d been so eager to help her off with it, but he didn’t even notice her struggle now.
Nor did he notice when she slipped out, silently shutting the consultation room door behind her.
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