for a child of her own? Her unrelenting professionalism made him wonder what type of mother she’d be.
What type of wife?
The fact that he wanted to find out made him shift uncomfortably in his seat. He had no business letting his mind wander down such a dangerous path.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she snapped. “I’m just hypothesizing.”
“No maternal pangs?”
From the corner of his eye he saw her jaw clench.
There was a moment of hesitation before she said, “No. But I do know what it’s like to desperately wish for something that you can’t have.”
She wasn’t referring to children or the case but rather to her wish that Daniel were still alive. He had the same desperate, useless desire. But Daniel was gone. His absence left a gaping hole in Josh’s life. The hole was even bigger in Serena’s life.
“Daniel would like this undercover idea,” Josh stated softly.
“Yes, he’d have relished playing the role of wealthy Jack Andrews,” Serena replied and turned to look out the passenger window.
Josh gave a quiet laugh. “Yeah, but I’d never be able to pull off the doting wife bit. My ankles give me away every time.”
She shook her head, but he saw the slight smile. A part of her clearly appreciated his attempt at levity, but she was obviously still too raw, still hurting from the loss of her brother, to laugh too much.
His chest caved in on itself under the heavy weight of guilt.
He pulled up outside his apartment building. “I know this charade of pretending to be my wife is going to be hard for you, Serena.”
She jerked her gaze to him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“As professionals we need to put our personal feelings aside. Daniel wouldn’t want to be the reason we didn’t crack this case.”
Her brown eyes hardened. “I’ll do my job, Josh.”
The tone of her voice suggested that he wouldn’t do his. He bristled with offense. Old fears that he’d be like his father rose to taunt him. “Are you questioning my work ethic?”
“You weren’t there for Daniel when he needed you.”
Josh flinched; her words were a blow to the gut. He knew she blamed him for Daniel’s death. Having that bit of gut-clenching knowledge confirmed tore a jagged hole through him. “I had taken a personal day. Daniel understood.”
“But he called you right before he—” Her voice caught. “And yet you weren’t there for him.”
Josh’s heart contracted painfully in his chest. “Yes, he called me. I didn’t pick up.”
Daniel’s cell phone had been in his pocket when the police found his body. The last call had been to Josh. Josh still had the saved message on his voice mail. He didn’t have the heart to erase the message, but he also couldn’t listen to the sound of Daniel’s voice again.
He’d heard the message once, right after being informed of Daniel’s murder. Daniel had caught a call on a lead that might be something big and had wanted Josh to get “off his duff” and go with him. Daniel hadn’t said where or why.
Josh ran a hand through his hair. “Don’t you think I regret that every minute of every day?”
He had been wallowing, nursing his bruised ego, trying to come to terms with the breakup and Lexi’s accusations, and he had let the call go to voice mail.
What would Serena say if she knew Lexi had been convinced he had feelings, romantic feelings, for her?
He had no intention of ever telling Serena, because doing so would only be painful for them both.
“I don’t know. Do you?” she shot back, her voice filled with anger that matched the flames in her eyes.
“Of course I do.” He stared at her, not believing her implication. “Daniel wasn’t just my coworker but my best friend. I’d have gladly given my life for his.”
He felt her doubts and silent accusations like a thousand serrated knives carving him up inside. It was like facing his childhood all over again. He popped open the door, needing air and space. “What kind of unfeeling monster do you think I am?”
He stalked away. He didn’t need to hear her response. He already knew her answer.
* * *
Serena sat there watching Josh walk toward his ground-floor apartment. She’d hurt him with her words. Regret squeezed her in a forceful grip.
She couldn’t control herself where Josh was concerned. Her anger and grief made her tongue sharp, even though she knew better. Working with him these past few months had been excruciating. Every waking moment she struggled to curb her desire to lash out at him for her brother’s death.
Logically she knew whomever had hit her brother over the head was responsible for the murder, and she prayed that God would somehow, someday, bring the perp to justice.
But that didn’t stop Serena from heaping blame on Josh. He’d admitted to not picking up when Daniel called him for backup. Serena had no idea what Josh had been doing on his day off. For all she knew, his cell phone had been dead. She didn’t care.
Josh hadn’t been there for Daniel, his partner, her brother.
Now she couldn’t trust Josh to be there for her, not when it really counted. No matter how well she and Josh worked together, she could never count on him to have her back.
So what if a voice inside her head whispered she wasn’t being fair? So what if everyone deserved a day off? So what if Josh had had her back more times than she could count these past six months?
She couldn’t—didn’t—trust him.
But she couldn’t ignore the fact that they were about to embark on an undercover mission that would require them to at least be civil with each other in private and madly in love in public. Her stomach clenched.
She wasn’t sure how she’d pull off the adoring-wife role.
She didn’t even know what that looked like. Not on a personal level.
Oh, sure she’d seen some happy couples. Colton and Lisette, Hunter and Annie to name a few. But she didn’t have any experience being in love. She’d never taken the time to pursue romance; she’d been too focused on becoming a marshal and being the best one she could be.
The only person she’d ever daydreamed about was the one man she could never have. Josh. But that was long ago, and those feelings didn’t matter anymore.
Remembering the lesson her brother taught her about building bridges in relationships, she knew for the sake of the mission she had to mend this riff with Josh. Starting out their pretend marriage angry wouldn’t bode well for the success of the operation. So she’d do her part, despite her personal reservations
