the blue and tell him he has a daughter...”
Her mother frowned. “If you’re not ready, wait. Belle is little more than a toddler. You have time.”
Carrie sighed. “Do I? If Gerard’s accident didn’t teach me how quickly life can change, nothing will. What I want doesn’t come into it. I have to do this.” Carrie forced a smile in a bid to allay the worry in her mother’s eyes. “I’m being silly. Everything will be okay. Belle has a right to know her birth father. Scott was a really nice guy. I’m sure he still is.”
“Well, if he’s in Templeton, you’ll find him.” Her mother gripped her hands and smiled softly. “I can still come with you, you know.”
Carrie shook her head. “I have to do this alone.” She winked. “Besides, if Dad has to look after Belle on his own for more than a few hours, God knows what we’d come back to.”
Her mother laughed. “Well, there is that, I suppose.”
Carrie lifted her chin, her stomach knotting. “I should’ve done this years ago and then maybe the guilt I’m feeling wouldn’t be quite so heavy.”
“You were adamant you didn’t want a stranger in Belle’s life.” Her mother cupped Carrie’s jaw. “You didn’t know this man. You still don’t. You did what you thought was right at the time. No good will come of looking back.”
Carrie frowned. “But what if I’m wrong now? What if...what if this is more about what I need to do to clear my conscience than what’s right for Belle?”
Her mother’s gaze filled with sympathy. “If you want to turn around and walk out of this station right now, we can. Lord knows, I’d be lying if I said the fact you’re getting on a train to find a man you don’t know doesn’t frighten me half to death.”
Trepidation and fear of the unknown battled as Carrie’s heart hammered. “I want a fresh start in the New Year. I want to pick myself up and start living again. The chances are Scott won’t want anything to do with Belle, or me, which is fine. I can come back home knowing I did my best by Belle and we’re free to live our lives, just the two of us.” Liar. Scott’s her daddy. Her family...and you’ve not had a single day in the last three years when he hasn’t snuck into your head.
Despite the lines wrinkling her mother’s brow, she smiled and her gaze softened. “You’re a brave woman taking control of your life.” She glanced toward the window and the idling train beyond. “No matter how much your father and I are going to worry about you the entire time you’re in Templeton.”
Carrie looped her hand through her mother’s arm. “No matter what happens next, Gerard was my husband, and I’ll never forget how much he loved us, but I have to do this.”
“Then don’t let the lessons he taught you about love be wasted. You’re human and you need to let this guilt go. Belle is the best thing in your life. She’s your daughter and you love her. Tracking down her biological father will never change the fact that little girl is yours.”
Carrie exhaled, uneasy, before picking up her suitcase. “Come on. I need to hurry before the train leaves without me.”
They walked from the café onto the platform. The smell of bacon, burgers, grease and oil gripped Carrie’s stomach as she glanced toward the train waiting to take her on the most terrifying journey of her life.
The conductor’s whistle blew, making her start. Her mother pressed a firm kiss to Carrie’s cheek. “Your father and I will keep Belle so busy she won’t give you a second thought. You’ll be home for Christmas and we’ll have a wonderful time. I promise.”
Carrie grasped the handle of her suitcase and pulled back her shoulders. “I’ll call as soon as I’m settled in the hotel. Give Belle a big good-night kiss from me, okay?”
Her mother wavered as tears glazed her eyes. “Of course. Now go. Quickly.”
The whistle blew a second time and, with a final glance at her mother, Carrie rushed for the train. “Hold that door.”
The burly conductor scowled as she leaped past him into the carriage. Carrie walked along the aisle as the train rumbled into motion. She drew on every ounce of inner strength that had gotten her through losing her loving husband and Belle’s real father...no matter what DNA might argue.
She hefted her suitcase onto the overhead rack and slid into a vacant seat, resolutely turning her face from the platform for fear she might see her mother and bolt for the exit.
The train picked up speed and left the station. Barely a mile or two had passed before the slowly darkening sky surrendered its cargo and spat sleet violently against the window. Carrie flinched. It was as though God showed His disapproval of her plans. Only He knew what the next few days held, but either way, she had to go through with tracking down Scott. The past few weeks had been filled with her constant contemplation of whether or not she and Scott could’ve had a chance of making it work. And she couldn’t go on another day wondering, worrying...maybe even hoping.
Gerard’s death had caused a huge shift inside her and Carrie refused to continue to live with the punishing belief she’d walked away from Scott out of pure, unadulterated fear.
Fear of the passion he brought out in her.
It had been spellbinding and stripped her of her usual sensibility; made her feel she could conquer the world...albeit without responsibility or thought of anything or anyone.
Heat rose in her face and she forced the traitorous smile from her lips. No one lived like that.
Yet still she wondered if he would look the same or if he’d recognize her. All Carrie remembered of him was his wild, intense, vivid blue eyes and unruly jet-black hair...and his body. Always his damn body.
She dropped her gaze to her clenched hands and stared at her wedding band. Gerard was gone. Killed having suffered severe internal injuries in a motorbike accident. Never to return. Never to hold her in his big capable arms and tell her everything would be okay. Time and again, Gerard had suggested they find Scott and tell him about Belle...and time and again, Carrie suspected his motives were based in his need to ease her anguish, than wanting to invite another man into the life of the little girl he considered his own.
Carrie inhaled. She’d always told him there was no need; that she was happy. His dying request and the look in his eyes proved all too clearly he knew she wasn’t as happy as she should’ve been.
She swallowed. She’d been selfish in her reasons, weak in her motivation. The fear that the sudden and powerful pull she’d felt for Scott the week Belle was conceived would reignite the moment she saw him again had held her back. How would she fight it when it consumed her so completely before? She hadn’t looked for Scott all this time for the pure terror of hurting Gerard. She loved Gerard, adored him, but not once had he evoked the same passion.
Carrie swiped at her face. She was a coward and now Gerard had been taken from her. It was a lesson. A lesson she learned fast and felt deeply.
Guilt clenched around her aching heart. She’d clung to Gerard like he was a buoy in the turbulent ocean during the emotional upheaval of an unexpected pregnancy. A quiet, intelligent and funny writer she’d dated on and off and whose company she loved—yet the special frisson she sought in her heart and in her life hadn’t materialized between them.
Pregnant,
