how we’ll conceive this child then? Without feeling?’
‘Why not?’
‘You have to have some kind of feeling to conceive a child, Leyna.’
‘Perhaps, if you want to do it naturally.’ She raised an eyebrow—taunting him, he knew, with the insinuation. ‘But, since this is going to be a contract, I think we should consider other options. To keep things...official.’
Relief and disappointment mingled in his chest. ‘You mean artificial insemination?’
‘Or IVF.’
‘It would take time we might not have.’
‘Which is why we should do it as soon as possible.’
With each word, his heart grew heavier. It weighed down his response so that, although he knew she was right, he couldn’t bring himself to agree. Agreeing would mean that the distance he’d sought from her for ten years would be destroyed. It would bring back all the feelings he’d avoided thinking about since Erika had died. Feelings of failure, of heartbreak.
And if he agreed to marry Leyna he knew he would feel as though he was being disloyal to Erika. Worse still, if it worked and Leyna fell pregnant, he would feel as though he’d betrayed Erika. He’d be living the life she’d once accused him of always wanting.
He wasn’t sure he could live with that guilt.
‘Do you agree, Xavier?’
‘Does it matter? You seem to have everything neatly planned anyway.’
‘Neatly?’ she repeated, disbelief in her voice. ‘This is probably the least neat thing I’ve ever planned, Xavier. Do you think I want to be married to you, to carry your child?’
‘Well, if it’s such a burden then—’
‘Stop it,’ she snapped, anger turning her cheeks red. ‘Our lives are filled with burdens. They’re called responsibilities. They’re a part of our duty.’ He saw her chest heave, revealing the passion with which she spoke her words. ‘Duty comes first, Xavier. It always has and it always will. This plan I’ve so neatly outlined is going to require sacrifices from the both of us, and it won’t be pleasant. In fact, I’m pretty sure it might destroy me.’
Her eyes widened and she turned away from him. It had been her first real show of emotion—proper, spontaneous emotion that told him the veneer of aloofness had been cracked. It had surprised her and, though he’d wanted to crack that shield, it had surprised him, too.
He didn’t know what to make of her words. What would destroy her? Working with him? Being married to him? Carrying his child? Was she just as affected as he was by the prospect that this decision would make them share their lives in the way they’d always imagined? Or was it because the circumstances of this life together were nothing like they’d imagined, ensuring that this decision would make their lives infinitely more complicated?
‘Perhaps there’s a simpler solution,’ he said suddenly, his thoughts turning him desperate.
‘There is no simple solution for us. For this,’ she said, turning back to him. Her eyes were bright, troubled, and he wanted to reach out and comfort her. But he didn’t. Of course he didn’t. He didn’t know her any more. Comforting her wasn’t his job.
‘Duty is never simple,’ he said mockingly. But she responded seriously.
‘No, it isn’t. It will never be simple for us, nor will it ever be simple between us.’
It was the first time she’d made any kind of mention of their past, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. So he didn’t respond, instead letting the silence stretch. He felt it build, felt the tension pulse from both of them.
It made him want to ask her why she’d done it. Why she’d broken his heart. Why she’d broken them. It made him want to tell her how long he’d been broken. How he’d still had to pick up the pieces in the first years of his marriage to Erika. How that had started the cracks that had eventually broken him and Erika, too.
‘We can try to set up a meeting with Zacchaeus one more time,’ she said, breaking the silence.
‘You know that won’t work.’
‘Then we move on to Plan B.’
‘Marriage and a child?’
‘Marriage and a child,’ she confirmed.
‘We don’t have the luxury of time here,’ Xavier said quietly. ‘If Zacchaeus decides to attack either of us, our kingdoms will be helpless to stop him.’
‘One more attempt at diplomacy, and then we move on to Plan B, Xavier,’ Leyna said again. ‘Now, we should get back before they realise we’re gone.’
She set the glass down, its contents untouched, and walked out of the room before he could reply.
LEYNA HAD HAD to leave the room—to escape Xavier’s company before she said something she regretted.
She already regretted too much of that conversation. That burst of emotion had reminded her of the woman she’d once been. The woman who’d died long ago. She needed to remind herself that the Leyna who’d let emotion guide her was gone. She had to be led by logic and reason. By the needs of her kingdom.
Because she was terrified of what would happen to her—inside of her—if she didn’t.
Her steps faltered. Her heart stuttered. Hurt pushed at the wall she’d hidden it behind. She closed her eyes, gave herself a moment. And then she straightened her shoulders and pushed ahead, forcing it all out of her mind as she walked into the hall.
Her royal duties required her attention.
Each year one of the islands in the Alliance of the Three Isles hosted the State Banquet to affirm their ties with other countries. There were thirty dignitaries there that evening and, considering the Isles’ geographical location, many of them were from Africa. The others were European, who, in honour of the three British men who’d found the islands with their African wives at the end of the eighteenth century, kept their ties with the Isles.
Leyna mingled, moving from the King of Spain to the King of Swaziland, and then to the delegation from South Africa. Before she knew it, dinner had been announced. She walked to the head of the table, her stomach turning when she saw Xavier. It wasn’t a surprise—it was custom that the monarchs of the Isles sit there—so she forced her feelings at seeing his blank expression aside and thought again of her duty.
She touched Xavier’s arm before he could take his seat.
‘We can’t have an empty seat at the head of the table. It would make Zacchaeus’ absence more conspicuous, and I won’t be able to field questions as easily if it’s staring our guests in the face. Someone has to sit in Kirtida’s place.’
He frowned down at her, but nodded. ‘Aidaraen?’
She
