almost no resemblance to the man she’d known: his skin was cracked, each wound seamed with dried blood; his eyes were deeply sunk in his face; his body was strangely attenuated, as if he were slowly disintegrating before her eyes.
He was dying. And he wanted it.
“Dorian,” she whispered. “Why?”
He turned his head away, dismissing her question. Dismissing her.
“It’s been two weeks,” she said, convinced that she had to keep talking, to keep him clinging to life even against his will. “I’ve been searching everywhere. All Walter could tell me was where you used to live. That wasn’t enough. I had to walk through every tenement and speakeasy, talk to people I wouldn’t trust as far as I could throw them…and this is my reward.”
The sharply outlined muscles beneath his jaw tensed. He was listening. She touched his shoulder with the greatest care, afraid his flesh might crumble under any pressure at all.
“I don’t know how you got this way,” she said, “but if you think I’ve wasted my time only to let you die, you’ve got another thing coming.”
A husk of sound emerged from his chest. She thought it might be laughter.
“Too late,” he said. “Debt…is repaid.”
“The hell it is.” Gwen looked around the filthy room, considering how she might drag him into the hallway without hurting him. “Can you get up?”
The breath rattled in his chest. Her eyes flooded, and she felt close to emptying the contents of her stomach…not that she’d had much of an appetite since Dorian had gone missing.
“If you can’t move,” she said, “I’m sending for an ambulance.”
His body heaved. He rolled over, eyes more red than gray. “No…doctors,” he said.
“You don’t leave me any choice.” She moved to get up. He seized her hand, trembling with the effort.
“No good.” Thick, dark blood trickled from his mouth. “I’m…no good for anyone.”
Oh, God. Tears spilled over her cheeks. “You’re good for me,” she whispered.
His eyes rolled up beneath his lids, and he fell back. Gwen dropped to her knees and laid her head on his chest. His heartbeat had slowed to an irregular tap, like water dripping from a leaky faucet.
“Whatever you did,” she said, “it isn’t worth this. Please, Dorian.”
She felt his hand on her hair. “Goodbye.”
He took one breath, another. His chest ceased to move under her cheek. His heart stopped.
“No!” Gwen sat up and thumped on Dorian’s ribs with her fists. Nothing. The tears were falling so thick and fast that she could hardly see him. She shook him, heedless of the raw skin beneath his torn shirt. She shouted until her voice was hoarse and her tongue like a roll of cotton wadding.
Nothing she did made any difference.
Gwen stretched out across his body, gasping with shock and grief. She pressed her cheek to his. She closed her eyes and willed herself to pretend. Pretend that he was still alive, that they were lying side by side in some peaceful place, awakening to shafts of sunlight streaming over the bedcovers.
A tickle of sensation stroked her neck. She shifted, aware of a peculiar prick of pain there at the juncture of her shoulder. It was gone as quickly as it had come, replaced by heat and a feeling of pleasure that spread through her body. Her grief began to slide away from her, dissipating into a mist of peace.
“Gwen.”
She sighed and stretched, pleasant lassitude feeding her delusion that Dorian was speaking. If this was a dream, let it continue. Let her pretend she felt his arms cradling her head, his pulse beating strong again, his hands touching her hair.
“I’m here, Gwen.”
Slowly the veil of tranquillity fell away from her eyes. She found herself staring at a wall covered in graffiti and unidentifiable stains. The surface beneath her was firm and unyielding.
Dorian’s body was gone.
She sat up, acid burning a trail down her throat. Hands grasped her arms from behind. She swung around on her knees, fists clenched.
“Gwen,” Dorian said, his eyes clear as bright water. “It’s all right.”
Her heart stuttered to a halt. “You—oh, my God—”
“Yes.” He cupped her cheek in his palm. She stared, unable to comprehend the transformation. His face was still gaunt, his skin deeply lined. But the bloody slashes were gone; his gaze was steady, and his voice, oh, his voice…
“I did not wish to be saved,” he said, “but you saved me nevertheless.”
All the strength drained out of Gwen’s legs. Dorian eased her to the pockmarked floor. He was extraordinarily gentle, more so than he’d ever been with her before. But his gaze was filled with sorrow.
“You were dying,” Gwen said, stumbling over the words. “I saw—”
“Yes,” he said again. “It is possible for the body to appear bereft of life when it continues to function.”
Gwen was in no state to argue. She stiffened her spine, afraid she would throw herself into his arms in a display that would embarrass both of them.
“Tell me,” she said. “Tell me why. Why you ran away. Why you let yourself…” The lump in her throat threatened to melt into more treacherous tears. “What was so terrible that you couldn’t bear to go on living?”
His hands fell from her shoulders. “You would wish me dead if you knew.”
“You idiot.” She laughed, half-crazy with relief. “I could never hate you.”
“You are not at all sensible, Miss Murphy.”
“Oh…Gwen, Gwen, for God’s sake.” She grabbed his hands, stroking her fingers across the veins and tendons that stood out beneath the skin. “Tell me. Get it off your chest before you—”
She realized that he was staring at her lips, a muscle ticking at the corner of his mouth. She pulled away.
“I’m not going to insist,” she said, “not after what you’ve just been through. About that ambulance…”
His sharp glance silenced her on that subject. “All right,” she said. “But you’ve got to see a doctor.”
He shook his head, and she knew this was a battle she couldn’t win. “In that case, you’re coming back to my apartment,” she said. “You’re going to stay in bed until you’re fully recovered.”
“That would not be at all wise.”
“Sure. I’ve heard it all before.” She got up, tested her legs, and debated
