agony, more than she had when she’d given birth to him.
She caught him watching her and saw his awkward glance away. He’d made the comment but now must wish he hadn’t. Her having such a positive influence on his son suggested she might be a good addition to his recently reduced family. That presented a contemplation too serious for the near future.
The waiter delivered the wine and poured them each a glass. Adeline relaxed back against her chair and enjoyed a slow sip along with a break in conversation.
“Why haven’t you had any kids of your own?” he asked.
So much for avoiding this kind of talk. Had he recovered so quickly from his last observation? Why did he ask that? Putting her glass down, she said, “I...don’t really want kids.” That wasn’t entirely true.
“Really? Why not?”
She couldn’t say that giving up Jamie had been too painful to consider having another. She’d feel as though she were trying to replace him. Did they have to talk about such a sensitive topic?
“I want to focus on my career.”
“But you seem like such a natural with Jamie.”
“Well... I did give birth to him.”
That drew a smile from him and he didn’t comment further.
“Why haven’t you seen any other women?” she asked. She’d been curious of that for a while now. “It’s been a long time since Tess died.”
His smile vanished and he put his glass of wine down. He rested his hands on the table and looked at her as though thinking how best to respond. She doubted he did anything without doing that, without thinking things through. That’s probably how he’d become so successful.
“I guess I didn’t want to see any other women,” he said at last. “I loved Tess, and to have that taken away so abruptly, so unexpectedly, changes a person.”
She could certainly see that. She also felt a little disconcerted, being attracted to him and hearing him profess his love for his wife. Competing with the memory of another woman didn’t seem wise.
“Are you afraid to give love a second chance?” she asked.
“I’m not sure I’d call it fear. I don’t have any desire to feel like that again.”
“Love?”
“No, the pain of losing the love.”
She lowered her eyes, no longer able to meet his, and fingered her silverware. Could she say she’d been in love? She’d thought she had been, once. Then he had shown his true self and she couldn’t possibly have loved that person. She’d loved the man he’d presented to her, though, a kind, mild-tempered man.
In Jeremy’s case, she had some reservations that perhaps what he experienced might be magnified by the way he’d lost Tess, so suddenly and with a young child. Did he really love Tess that much? If so, she wanted no part in competing with that.
“I have to admit,” Jeremy went on, surprising Adeline, “I held back with Tess because I knew she was a recovering alcoholic and I worried if she’d truly conquered that. She attended AA meetings but that started to taper off. I worried mostly for Jamie’s sake. Now that she’s gone and I discovered she had lost that battle, I feel partly to blame but also angry with her for keeping that a secret and for not getting help. It makes me wonder if she ever really loved Jamie as much as I did.”
“I’m sure she did. Alcoholism is a disease. Maybe she wouldn’t have drunk if she could have helped it, especially with Jamie in her life. I don’t think she was irresponsible. She had a problem and, yes, she should have gotten help. Maybe she would have if the accident hadn’t robbed her of the chance.” She looked around the restaurant as the few memories of Tess came to her, smiling, sunny Tess. She faced Jeremy again. “She seemed so much stronger, like she could beat it.”
He nodded. “She was strong, up until she started drinking again. I should have seen the signs.”
“You can’t hold on to regret.” Was that what he was doing? He professed his love for Tess, but in the next breath had confessed he hadn’t trusted her. He’d even said he’d held back.
Adeline grew uncomfortable with the way she internally rationalized his thoughts in a way that might open a door for her to pursue him romantically. That could come with some ramifications. He seemed reluctant to love, period.
“Why haven’t you ever married?” he asked, startling her some. Why had he asked such a question?
“I’m only twenty-seven.”
“That’s marriage age. You’ve gone to college, you’re established in your career. Aren’t you ready yet?”
Was he asking for himself or in general? She found she hoped for the former. “I was in a serious relationship for a while. I met him in college. He told me he was going on to law school. After we graduated, we lived together. I got to work and he never went to law school. He also didn’t get a job—not any job.”
“You supported him?”
“Yes. He was looking for an easy way out. I don’t think he ever really wanted to work. I think he looked for a free ride, and I was it. I heard him talking to one of his friends who must have asked why he wasn’t working and he said he didn’t have to because his girlfriend made enough money. I asked him to leave the next day. He refused, so the next time he left to go out, I threw all his things outside, changed the locks and got a restraining order. He tried to beat the door in. He did break a window. Luckily the police arrived right after that, or he might have climbed in and attacked me. Scariest night of my life.”
Jeremy’s jaw had opened farther as he listened. “Did he abuse you?”
“No, never. He never lost his temper before that, either. And I never saw him again after that night. I heard a few months later that he was working as a waiter somewhere and living with his parents.”
“Everybody’s got to start somewhere.”
She laughed shortly at his sarcasm. “I sometimes shudder to think I almost married him.”
“He asked you?”
“All the time. But I didn’t trust his unemployment. I didn’t really mind making all the money. I actually felt proud, accomplished, empowered as a woman. I just didn’t like feeling used.”
Jeremy’s mouth had closed by now and he looked fondly at her, turning his wineglass in a circle. “Did you love him?”
“I think I did when we moved in together.”
“But then he showed his true colors?”
She liked that he was so intuitive. “Yes, I suppose so.”
“How long ago was that?”
“Gosh. Four years now.”
“And you tell me it’s been a long time since I lost Tess.” He chuckled softly, and then sipped his wine.
Their
