and all she was doing was looking on. Even when she received the host upon her tongue and bent her head to pray, she felt a distance. This had always been one of her favorite moments of the day; she had felt so close to Christ when she received Him into her own body. But now her words seemed perfunctory, not deeply felt as they usually were. “Help me, Jesus,” she prayed automatically. “Please help me.”
Finally the mass was over and the bishop was coming to stand before them once more. It was time for the last blessing. He raised his hands and began to pray.
The spectator that was Nell bowed her head. Then the six altar servers lined up to process out, and the bishop fell in behind them. Roger gave Nell his arm and they took their places behind the bishop. The choir once more began to chant as the procession moved down the center aisle of the cathedral.
The wedding was over. They joined their families in the vestibule and, after much congratulations, they walked over to the bishop’s residence where the wedding supper was to be held. Nell’s hand rested on the fine linen of Roger’s sleeve. It’s done, she thought sadly. I’m married. She walked beside Roger like an animated doll. I’ve been handed over from my father to Roger. The life I knew is gone for good.
Seven
The wedding supper was held in the bishop’s private dining room and was attended by the bishop, Nell and Roger, Earl Raoul, Lady Alice, and Roger’s grandfather, Earl William. The rest of the congregation was being fed in the sheriff’s quarters in the castle. Behind each of the guests was a squire from Bardney, ready to serve each course as it came out of the kitchen, to fetch more wine, and to bring ewers and basins so they could wash their hands. The Norman aristocracy was fastidious about cleanliness, and since they ate with their hands and shared dishes, etiquette decreed that hands and nails must be kept scrupulously clean at table.
The men carried on the conversation and the talk was about the expected landing of the Empress Mathilda on English soil.
“Stephen has men in position at all the main ports,” the bishop said. “If she tries to land, she will be turned back.”
“There are dozens of small ports along the English coast where she may come in,” Lord Raoul said. “I doubt she’ll try to land at some place like Dover.”
“Robert of Gloucester is too smart to try to come in at a main port,” Lord William agreed. Robert, Earl of Gloucester, was the empress’s powerful bastard half brother. He was the chief English champion of her cause and her main adviser.
“How many men do you think will come with her?” Roger asked.
“I don’t know,” Lord Raoul said. “I don’t think her husband will want to give up any of his men, not while he is engaged in the conquest of Normandy. It’s Mathilda who wants England, not Geoffrey Plantagenet.”
“She wants the crown of England for her son,” Lord William said.
“Aye,” Lord Raoul agreed. “Just as Stephen wants to keep it for his own son.”
Roger dipped his meat into the dish of sauce that was between him and Nell. “What do you think will happen when she does land?” he asked.
“We’ll have to wait and see how many barons go over to her side,” Lord Raoul replied.
Roger brought the piece of meat back to his trencher. “Brian fitz Count has always been one of her supporters.”
“Yes,” Lord Raoul said. “And a few men from the west may go over to support Gloucester. That’s where she’s going to find her chief support—in the west.”
Nell listened to the men talk, but the reality of what they were saying didn’t penetrate her tense self-absorption. All she could think of was what was going to happen between her and Roger when the feast was over.
“Civil war is an ugly thing,” Roger said somberly.
“We have the power to protect our own,” Lord William said.
“Yes, there will be few who will want to antagonize us, not with this alliance we have forged.” Lord Raoul sounded very satisfied.
The bishop had been largely silent while the earls spoke, but now he said, “The Bishop of Winchester is Stephen’s brother. That will help him with the church.”
The conversation continued as the meal was served: soup, roasted pork and mutton with various sauces, green beans and green leaves for a salad, all served on fresh white-bread trenchers and washed down with red wine.
Nell could barely eat. Her mother looked at Nell’s almost-full plate and started to urge her to eat more, then fell silent. Instead, she reached over and squeezed Nell’s hand, where it lay loosely in her lap. Nell turned to her mother in surprise and Lady Alice gave her an encouraging smile.
The meal was finally finished and all the men turned to look at the two women who were seated side by side.
“I believe it is time for you and your daughter to go upstairs,” Lord Raoul said to his wife.
“Yes,” Lady Alice said. She stood up. “Come along, Nell.”
Nell stood up, as well. Lady Alice took her hand in a warm, reassuring grip, and Nell followed her to the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she had slept alone last night. Gertrude was there, waiting for her.
“You must disrobe,” Lady Alice said. “Then the bishop will come to bless your bed.”
Nell stared at her mother out of enormous dark blue eyes. “I can’t do this, Mama. Please don’t make me do this.”
“This is something that all women of your class must do,” Lady Alice said briskly. “Believe me, Nell, having a husband is far better than not having one. Every one of my ladies would give the world if they could change places with you.”
“I would change places with them happily,” Nell said despairingly.
Lady Alice’s voice sharpened. “Remember who you are, Nell. You are the daughter of the Earl of Lincoln. Don’t shame your father and me by playing the coward. You are wed to a fine young man. You should appreciate that.”
Nell was silent. It was clear that she wouldn’t get any sympathy from her mother. Her mother thought she should be happy about this wedding.
I have to do this, she thought. Please, Lord, please help me to be brave.
Lady Alice and Gertrude stripped Nell down to her chemise and her drawers. They would have gone further, but Nell wrapped her arms around herself. “Can’t I wear my nightgown?” she pleaded.
“No,” Lady Alice replied. “But I have brought a night robe with me. Put it on and you can finish undressing underneath it.”
She handed Nell a rich blue velvet robe that was open in the front and tied around the waist with a matching velvet belt. Nell put it on, turning her back on her mother and her maid, and slipped off her chemise and her drawers and drew the robe close around herself.
The velvet was very warm. Too warm for the bedroom, but Nell didn’t care. It covered her up; that was all that was important to her.
There
