wasn’t alone. She knew that as surely as she knew there was a floor at her feet. Her faith was rock solid, her family an unbreakable support and yet she felt hollow, as if she were missing a great part of herself.
No, she corrected, she was missing these dreams of children and marriage, of home and a future.
She checked again on Tyler, who slept on his side facing the wall so all she could see of him was tufts of brown hair and his Dalmatian asleep on the foot of his bed. Lucky lifted his head a few inches and his tail thumped against the blankets as if to say, “No worries. I’m keeping watch.”
She wandered back to the TV, hardly noticing the hospital drama flashing across the screen. The sound was low so as not to disturb the kids, and she could barely hear the dialogue. She settled onto the couch as her mind drifted back over the day. She resisted the urge to go dig in her bag to check her cell phone, with the ringer off. She guessed that Chris had probably called a half-dozen times. Should she deal with it now, or wait until later?
Later, she thought as she grabbed the remote and hit the off button. Definitely later. What was really calling her name was the triple-chocolate cream pie Danielle had left for dessert. Whatever the trouble, didn’t chocolate always make it better?
She was plating a nice creamy piece when she heard the garage door crank open. It sounded as though Danielle and Jonas were home. Sure enough, a few minutes later the two of them came through the door. The security system chimed their arrival. It was simple to tell by the happiness on her sister’s face that they’d had a good time. Jonas, leaning tiredly on his cane, gave her a nod of thanks, a kind “good-night” and headed down the hall, no doubt to check on the kids.
Danielle set her purse on the end of the counter. “Would you mind cutting me one of those?”
“I’ve got a plate right here.” She knew her sister well and her weakness for chocolate. “You didn’t have dessert tonight?”
“Dinner was so good, I didn’t save any room.” Dani headed to the fridge and took out a gallon of milk. “The movie was great, though. It was about a pair of cops. Jonas really enjoyed all the action.”
“He misses his old job.” In an instant, things could change in a person’s life. Life happened and sometimes it was never the same. Take Jonas for example. Over a year ago, he’d been doing his job as a state trooper and got shot on a routine traffic stop. His life and Dani’s had taken a new direction they never expected.
“Yes,” Danielle answered sadly. “He loves staying home with the kids and being a full-time dad, but he misses being a trooper, too.”
God had been gracious. Jonas was doing fine and their family was stronger than ever, but it hadn’t been easy. Life gave a person a certain amount of battle scars. Although she hadn’t gone through anything nearly as traumatic as Jonas had, she had her own emotional scars.
What she’d gone through with Chris and his final battle, as she thought of it, had been life changing for her. And if her big brother, Spence, hadn’t come to her rescue, she hated to think what would have happened. She wondered where she would be right now if she hadn’t met Chris.
“You seem a million miles away.” Danielle took two glasses down from the cupboard and began filling them. “You get that troubled look when Chris has been bothering you. Has he been calling?”
“He’s started up again. You know how he does.”
“I do. Have you answered?”
“No, and I’m avoiding his calls because I know he wants to start things up again.”
“And you don’t want that, right?”
“Right. Don’t worry. I’m through with Chris. I’m through with men. I’m going to be just fine.” She gave a generous piece of pie to her sister. “Does Jonas want any?”
“No. He’s pretty tired and besides, he’s a gem about leaving us girls to talk.”
“He’s pretty great to you.” Rebecca took two forks from the drawer.
“I know. I thank God for him every day.” Warm and loving and totally devoted to her husband—that was Danielle. “You didn’t answer my question, you know.”
“Sorry. I’ve just got a lot on my mind.” And there it was, what she’d been trying not to think about all evening: her mess of a life.
“We can talk about it. Maybe I can help. Or maybe we can try to brainstorm. There have got to be some great single men out there that you can date.” Danielle carried the milk back to the fridge, and in the wan light from inside the door she looked exceptionally pale and tired.
There had been a lot on her shoulders when Jonas had first been hurt, but now that he was much better, Danielle was back to her old self. Except for tonight.
“Forget my problems,” she said. “I should be asking you if you’re okay.”
“I’m fine.” Danielle closed the fridge door and waved away her concern.
“You don’t look like you’re getting enough sleep or something. I work until four tomorrow, but I can come by after and help out. Maybe make dinner for you?”
“That’s great of you, Becca, but it’s not necessary.” She took both glasses to the table. “I’m just a little tired. I’m still adjusting to working full-time is all.”
“Are you sure?” She followed her sister, plates in hand.
“Positive.” Danielle had taken a management job at their family’s bookstore. Finances were thin with Jonas on long-term disability. “Do me a favor and don’t tell anyone, okay? You know how the family is. No one needs to get all worried about me. It’s nothing a little chocolate won’t cure.”
She knew how that felt. She slipped the plates on the table and took one of the chairs across from her sister. It was nice; she loved Danielle’s home. There were pictures on the walls and toys clustered in the corners and love that filled each room as unmistakable as air.
This is what she’d always wanted for herself. A stable marriage. A warm, loving home. A couple of kids to look after. She’d always just wanted to be a mom. Nothing else. She’d gone to college because her parents had expected it and her grandmother had been so proud of her.
But she’d had a hard time deciding on what to really do with her life. All of her friends seemed to know—they were biology majors, business majors, psych majors. It seemed everyone was so focused, except for her. Now she was through with a graduate degree and she still felt as if she were wandering through life.
Letting Chris go had meant letting go of her dreams. It had been the right thing to do. Absolutely. But just because she’d given her worries and her wishes up to God didn’t mean she now knew what to do with her life in the meantime. Her future was one blank slate. She was afraid that she would spend too many years alone, wishing for what she did not have. Worse, she didn’t know what to do with her life now, without those dreams.
“You look pretty serious,” Danielle said around a bite of pie. “Want to talk about it?”
Yes. No. Too personal. Rebecca took a bit of creamy pie so she didn’t have to answer. She wanted
