Yeah, you could say that.’ He took a step towards her. ‘You want to know what she said? Do you? Would it make you feel better if I told you that she made it very clear she’d like to be back in my bed again?’
She flinched. ‘And that’s all?’
How many more questions was she going to ask? Rafe wanted to tell her to mind her own damned business or maybe silence her with a kiss. But Ambrose’s words and the memory of the baby who’d been wriggling in his arms had loosened the floodgates he’d kept in place for so long. Too long. He gave a bitter laugh as he removed his tie with a violent tug and slung it at a nearby chair. ‘You want the truth about my relationship with her?’
He saw the faint concern which clouded her eyes before she nodded. ‘Yes,’ she said quietly. ‘Yes, I think I do.’
She sank down on one of the armchairs by the blazing fire and looked up into his face. And although the idea of sharing confidences was alien to him, something told him he could trust Sophie. He sensed she could be properly discreet as her upbringing had taught her to be, but it was more than that. Something strong and sure was shining from her blue eyes to cut through his usual icy reserve. But as that reserve melted, he could feel the heaviness in his heart—so painful and tight in his chest that it was hurting him just to breathe. If he’d thought the years might have lessened the sorrow then he’d been wrong. So maybe it really was time he talked about it, instead of letting it gnaw away inside him, like some dark cancer.
He drew in a ragged breath. ‘My brother Nick was going out with Molly for years before they married, and I first met Sharla at a party when we were in our early twenties. I’d left university and was a couple of years into my telecommunications business and she’d already done several magazine covers. My career was taking off and so was hers. In many ways it was a very satisfactory relationship.’
‘Satisfactory?’ she echoed cautiously. ‘That’s an odd word to use.’
‘I can’t think of a better one. I was young and horny and she was hot. I thought we were both giving the other what they most needed.’
‘You mean sex?’ she questioned baldly.
‘I mean sex,’ he echoed as he stared at her. ‘Sorry if that offends your sensibilities, Sophie—but that’s the truth.’
He watched her teeth digging into her bottom lip, as if she might be having second thoughts about hearing this, and maybe this was his opportunity to stop and change the subject. But he was on a roll now and the words were streaming out of that dark place inside him, where he’d buried them all those years ago. ‘Right from the start I was honest with her. I said that if she was looking for permanence—for babies and wedding bells—then she should look elsewhere,’ he said. ‘We both had worlds to conquer and we were both so young. I remember she laughed when I told her the door was open any time she chose to walk away. But she didn’t.’
There was silence as he stared at her, but she didn’t break it—she just carried on looking at him with those bright blue eyes. And now the flood of dark memories were swamping him in a foul tide.
‘One day she came to me and asked whether I’d ever consider changing my mind. Whether I thought I could love her or think about marrying her. To be honest, I was confused. I thought we understood one another. I asked why she was saying all this stuff and I remember the look on her face. The way she said, A woman needs to know these things, Rafe. And because I thought she was being practical and because I knew the rock star was pursuing her, I told her no, and that if she wanted commitment, she was free to go and find it with someone else. And then...’
His voice faltered. With shock? Or surprise? That he, who had always tried to distance himself from the conflict of relationships, had become an unwilling victim of one and as a consequence was plagued by a guilt and bitter regret which wouldn’t seem to go away?
‘What, Rafe?’ she whispered, her soft voice carrying across the room towards him. ‘What happened?’
He swallowed and it felt as if a ball of barbed wire were trying to force its way down his throat. ‘She was carrying my baby,’ he said. ‘But she never told me that. She didn’t give me the chance to change my mind, or come to some mutual agreement which would have worked for us all. I didn’t know and I didn’t find out. At least, not until afterwards, when she told me what she’d done.’
‘Oh, no.’ Her face blanched as the true meaning of his words sank in. ‘Oh, Rafe.’
‘Yes.’ He looked at her quite calmly and then his voice broke. ‘She killed my baby.’
Sophie’s heart squeezed painfully as she heard the rawness in his voice and she wanted to jump up from the chair and wrap her arms tightly around him. To stroke his ravaged face with all the tenderness she possessed until some of his unbearable grief had subsided. But something held her back, some bone-deep instinct which told her to go easy around this damaged man. He had confided in her. Had told her the dark secret it was clear still haunted him. Wasn’t it enough to be understanding and kind and calm? Not go over the top with an emotional response which would help no one, least of all him.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she whispered.
‘Yeah. Me, too.’ He swallowed before rasping out the next words. ‘I would have supported her. Provided for her. Even married her. Done any damned thing she might reasonably have wanted. But I never got the chance.’
‘Because you were powerless,’ she said slowly. ‘A man always is in a situation like that. She didn’t want you to know and there was nothing else you could have done. You answered her questions truthfully because you didn’t know why she was asking them.’
‘And maybe I should have guessed,’ he said bitterly.
‘But you didn’t have that kind of relationship, did you? It was supposed to be upfront and honest, but that only works if both parties want the same thing. Was that around the time you left England?’
He nodded. ‘I couldn’t wait to get away. To leave the old, tainted life behind me. I went to Australia and started a new life there. I set up offices in Brisbane and bought the cattle station. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time—because the country was ripe for new technology. The money started pouring in and the work provided a distraction, but whenever I could I would spend any spare time I had at Poonbarra, working on the land.’
It must have been a kind of escape for him, thought Sophie, to muster those cattle and build those fences. To toil and sweat beneath the fierce and unforgiving sun. A new life, far away from the pain of the old one. Just as it had been for her.
She guessed that was why he’d rarely returned to England and why he hadn’t seen much of his family over the years, because the chance of running into Molly’s twin must have filled him with horror. She thought about what he’d said about his mother. Women hadn’t done right by Rafe Carter, had they? No wonder he’d stayed away from commitment and why he regarded them as nothing more than sexual playthings.
But today he had confronted all the darkness of his past. Did that mean he had drawn a line in the sand and could finally leave it behind? ‘Rafe—’
‘No.’ His voice was harsh now. ‘I don’t want to talk about it any more, Sophie. Do you understand?’
Oh, she understood, all right. How could she fail to? She nodded as he began to walk towards her and knew from the dark look on
