at us – twisted undead faces, slumping undead posture.
We’re zombies. Absolute zombies.
Quint: zombie. Dirk: zombie. June: total, big-time zombie.
Things are different now . . .
Our adventures are a little slower: less darting around, more shambling. And our appetites have changed: less grilled donuts, more flesh burgers.
Y’know what – let me catch you up. Fill you in. Explain HOW we joined the ranks of the undead.
See, it’s been about a month since, uh, BIG STUFF HAPPENED. A month since we battled a new villain; a villain who was HUMAN . . .
This villain’s name is EVIE SNARK, and like me, she’s a super-mega-geek. But unlike me, she’s OUT OF HER EVER-LOVING MIND . . .
First, she stole my beloved Louisville Slicer, and I was like, nuh-uh, NOT OK.
Then, she caused Dirk to be bitten by a zombie!
It was all part of her big bad cosmic plan – she was going to perform this weirdo ritual and bring the Cosmic Terror, GHAZT, into our dimension.
See, Ghazt is “The General” and he has the ability to control zombies with his TAIL . . .
And that’s, like, bad.
But Quint, June and I swung in like the Three Compadres! We saved Dirk by feeding him an eyeball, lent to us by our monster buddy Warg. The eyeball had some kind of healing, anti-zombie elixir inside, and Dirk sucked down the contents glass of h gooey lemon (It was gross, yep.)
We got the Slicer back, too! But not before it connected with the monster dimension . .
And in the end, well – WE KINDA FAILED. Evie’s plan worked! Ghazt entered our dimension. But, because we interfered, things went a little sideways and Ghazt took the form of a RAT – a rat mixed with Evie’s action figure collection. So now he’s a half-plastic, half- rodent, zombie-controlling cosmic creep.
And they escaped! Evie and Ghazt: now at large, on the loose, concocting bad guy plans!
And that leads us to . . . this very morning.
And us, becoming zombies.
Me, Jack Sullivan – former Post-Apocalyptic Action Hero! Now, just a lousy Post-Apocalyptic ZOMBIE DUDE.
And June, Dirk and Quint. Also zombies. We’re just four, regular, normal zombies among hundreds. Things have taken a turn for the terrifying . . .
“Guys, being a zombie stinks!” June says. “Literally. It smells.”
“Don’t you dare bad-mouth the smell,” Quint says. “I spent weeks perfecting it!”
“Stop yappin’!” Dirk barks. “We’re zombies. Zombies don’t yap!”
OK, so . . . I lied. We’re just pretending to be zombies. We’re undercover. secret MISSION OPERATION: DEFEAT EVIE AND GHAZT!
We are currently staggering, zombie-style, towards the Wakefield Bowl-O-Drome, which is Evie and Ghazt’s villainous lair.
How do we know it’s their villainous lair?
Because there are a bunch of old TVs mounted above the Bowl-O-Drome’s entrance, and Evie’s up there talking:
I lean over and whisper to my buddies, “Look at Evie, beckoning zombies from far and wide. She really embraced her bad side. Like full supervillain.”
“It appears the zombies are drawn by her voice,” Quint says.
June nods. “Yep, ’cause humans = food!”
See, we’ve been staking out the Bowl-O-Drome for a week, waiting for a big enough zombie horde to come along so we could slip in with them, unnoticed.
And finally they have . . .
So we got into character and joined the walking zombie club, but not before we did a final operation checklist – Zombie makeup: Check. Grey skin, green ooze draining from our mouths, just-woke-up hair.
Zombie odour: Check. We got THE STENCH. Quint bottled it. It’s awful and foul and I’ve got puke like three-quarters of the way up my throat – but it works.
And last but MOST IMPORTANT: the zombie walk, AKA the zombie shuffle, AKA the zombie shuffle, AKA the zombie zigzag. We knew our zombie walks had to be perfect if we wanted to blend in. We spent days practising – even doing it for Bardle to make sure we had it down pat.
It all better work, because we’re nearing the bowling alley entrance. There are zombies on either side of us, pressing against us . . .
I hope Evie’s ready, ’cause we’re coming – and we’re bringing payback! She stole my blade! Got my friend zombified! Did – just – a lot of stuff !
And in mere moments we’re gonna hit her with that payback. All four of us, together, like the freaking Avengers . . .
Heavy breathing – like panting – pulls me out of my superhero squad fantasy. I expect to see a zombie with a nasty cold, but it’s actually Dirk. And he does not look ready to get his Avenger on.
Which is fair. He went through some pretty serious stuff. I mean, he’s healed. But still – upstairs – he’s probably a little freaked out.
“Dirk, you OK?” I whisper.
Before he can answer, I feel a hand on mine. I look down. “June, you’re holding my hand!” I whisper excitedly.
“Not holding,” she says. “Squeezing.”
“A love squeeze?”
“NO! A hurt squeeze,” she growls through gritted teeth. “No more talking!”
June squeezes twice – extra-painful hard – and I look up as the bowling alley doors swing open.
I do my best zombie moan as we are all, together, funneled inside the villainous home base . . .
