my party? I don’t think so. All my cousins are, like, eight. And none of them are named Nathan.”
I don’t understand what he’s saying.
“But I met him,” I say lamely.
“Oh dear,” Rebecca jumps in, patting my hand. “It sounds like you met someone who said he was Steve’s cousin.”
“But why would he say that?”
Stephanie shrugs. “Who knows? Guys are weird.”
What’s hurting me is how honest he seemed. How real. Now it’s like I’ve made him up.
“He was wearing a tie,” I say. “I think he was the only guy wearing a tie.”
“That dude!” Steve laughs. “I totally saw him. He’s not my cousin, but he was definitely there.”
I wonder if Nathan is really his name. I wonder if he’s really gay. I wonder why the universe is doing this to me.
“I can’t believe he lied,” I say.
“Again,” Stephanie chimes in. “Guys are weird.”
“And certainly you’re used to a little lying?” Rebecca adds. “This guy probably liked you and didn’t know how to deal with it. That happens. It’s not the worst kind of lie.”
I think she’s trying to make me feel better, but I’m stuck on that first part – certainly you’re used to a little lying.
“Justin never lies to me,” I say.
Rebecca plays dumb. “Who said anything about Justin?”
“I know what you meant. And I’m telling you – Justin can ignore me and say the wrong things and go into his moods, but he never, ever lies to me. I know you don’t think we have much, but we do have that.”
Rebecca and Stephanie shoot a look at each other, clearly not believing me. Ben is checking his phone. Steve still seems amused that some guy crashed his party pretending to be his cousin.
I hate this feeling – my so-called friends thinking they know my life better than I do. And I hate it even more this time because I thought I’d had the opposite with Nathan. Stupid, for sure, after one conversation and one email exchange. But still. Whether it was real or an illusion, it makes a rip when it goes.
Steve starts to argue with Stephanie about who was the most wasted guest at the party, and my questions about Nathan seem to have been quickly forgotten. We finish our ice cream and then don’t know what to do – we’ve only been hanging out for about fifteen minutes, but the reason we’re here no longer exists. Stephanie proposes a trip to the secondhand store down the street, and even though Ben and Steve protest, nobody can think of anything better to do.
I am disappearing again, this time into silence. As Stephanie and Rebecca try things on and Steve looks through old records, Ben and I hover on the sidelines. He keeps checking his phone, but then, as Stephanie and Rebecca argue over who looks better in a fifties sundress, he says to me, “I know it probably doesn’t matter, but I’d bet good money that the guy who said he was Steve’s cousin had a reason for doing it. Guys act weird, sure. But it’s usually for a reason. And it’s rarely to be mean. It’s much more likely that he liked you.” Then he goes back to his phone and writes another text.
I go onto my own phone, wanting there to be an email from Nathan explaining everything. But there isn’t. So I write to him instead.
Nathan,
Apparently, Steve doesn’t have a cousin Nathan, and none of his cousins were at his party. Care to explain?
Rhiannon
Almost immediately, I get a reply.
Rhiannon,
I can, indeed, explain. Can we meet up? It’s the kind of explanation that needs to be done in person.
Love,
Nathan
That “Love” hits me. I know it could be a taunt or a tease. And I also know it isn’t a taunt or a tease.
Rebecca is calling me over to decide who gets the dress. Ben is pulling himself farther into the background, not wanting to get involved. Steve is holding up a Led Zeppelin record and asking Stephanie if he already has it.
I don’t reply to the email. Not yet. I need to think.
Rebecca gets the dress. Steve gets the record. Stephanie finds another dress that she says she likes more than the one Rebecca has. Ben spots a dictionary and starts talking about whether or not dictionaries, physical dictionaries, will exist in twenty years.
When everyone’s done shopping, they make some noises about hanging out more and eventually getting dinner.
I tell them I have to go home.
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