though it was a rubbish film.’ She shuffled some papers busily, which I took as an indication of my dismissal.
‘Of course, I’ll get on it right away.’ I actually thought The Matrix was a good film, in its day. I floated happily out of Dee’s office.
The title hit me as I sat back down at my desk. I emailed Dee before I could forget:
Hi Dee,
How about The Matrix Effect for the title?
Mel
Her reply came within seconds:
Better.
I sat back in my chair, and allowed myself a little smugness. Feeling like my day’s work there was done, I went back to checking social media. I unlocked my phone, noticing a message had come in from Tinder. I’d completely forgotten about the silly account that Gemma had set up for me – the sneaky mare must have swiped right on a few guys on my behalf. I decided there was no harm in reading the message so opened it up.
Hi, I’m new to this and feel a bit cheesy, but I saw your picture and wondered if you fancied meeting up?
I looked at his picture. He wasn’t at all bad: conventionally good-looking, muscly and tanned with a broad white smile. He looked taller than me, which was a must. Not that I was supermodel height, but it was surprising how I towered over a fair number of blokes when I had my killer heels on. His email made him sound as if he felt just as awkward about online dating as I did, which was a good thing, so I decided to go for it. What harm could come of one date? I texted Gemma:
I’ve called your bluff . . . got a Tinder date tomorrow night xx
I added the excited-face emoji before hitting Send.
I was having a great week so far. Praise at work and a Tuesday night date. It was nice to feel excited and worry-free for a change. Humming merrily, I took the time to pamper myself in preparation for my date later that night – body scrub, fake tan, scented lotion, the works. The guy looked pretty fit, so I wanted to make an effort.
I did, however, contemplate the granny-pants trick – wearing the biggest, ugliest knickers I own to ensure I didn’t get carried away and end up back at the gentleman’s flat several bases ahead of what’s appropriate. After serious consideration, I reasoned that I could be hit by a bus on my way there and the whole of A&E could catch a glimpse of my giant floral bloomers (okay, navy full-sized briefs) as I was wheeled in by desperate paramedics keen on saving my life. I decided I’d better wear my best French ones, the blue ones, just in case.
Standing my iPad up on the dressing table, I opened YouTube and searched through hair tutorials until I found one that promised to turn my lacklustre locks into big Hollywood-worthy waves.
After a good forty minutes of teasing, spraying, backcombing and curling, I was pretty happy with the result – though it was not an everyday style, so if Mr Muscle liked me, he’d have to accept my regular tedious tresses as par for the course. Enjoying making an effort, I tried yet another contouring tutorial. The woman in the demonstration looked amazing, and I was hoping for a similar level of flawlessness with the limited supplies I had. I didn’t achieve it; in fact, I still saw puffy hamster cheeks, but I did try.
Sticking with my theme of try-hard glamour, I googled ‘smokey eyes’ and found some apparently simple steps. Usually I ended up looking like I’d been punched in both eyes, but thankfully it worked out pretty well, even if I did say so myself.
Finally, I slithered into my dress. Inspired by Gemma, I was braving a black cut-out body-con dress, though who exactly it thought it was conning was anybody’s guess. It was, however, age-appropriate, and the asymmetric cut-outs fell above my bust, leaving my love handles and newly acquired back fat hidden away. Initially I’d planned to cover up a bit more what with it being the middle of the week and all, but I went with dressing to impress in case he was ‘The One’.
As I was making my final adjustments, my tablet piped up – it was Gemma on Skype. I hit the answer button. ‘Hey, you!’ I shouted cheerfully.
‘Hi, Mel. Looking good, lady!’ She smiled and gave me a thumbs up. ‘Are you all ready for your date with Mr Tinder?’
‘I think so. I’m leaving in a minute to meet him. He’s chosen a Greek place, so I’m thinking he may even be a little cultured. What do you think?’
‘I think he’s definitely cultured his body,’ she said, giggling.
‘I didn’t agree to the date for the muscles, Gem! Okay, he is pretty fit, but his eyes looked . . . er . . . meaningful. I don’t think he’ll take himself too seriously. Let’s just hope the conversation flows and he isn’t an idiot, then all will be well,’ I said hopefully.
‘Definitely. Okay, honey, I have to go, but I just wanted to wish you luck. Have a great time, and remember: if there’s no spark, just snog in the dark!’ We both burst out laughing at her poor attempt at a Take Me Out reference.
‘You have no class, woman. Now get lost and let me get ready!’ I said, still laughing as I hung up.
***
The restaurant was fairly dark; the main source of light appeared to come from pretty tea light candles dotted around the tables and the odd string of fairy lights draped from the traditional taverna-style walls. I probably needn’t have bothered with the contouring, I thought as I sashayed through the narrow aisles of dark wooden tables. The place was really pretty, romantic even, if you liked that sort of thing. I suddenly got the odd sensation that someone was looking at me.
Casting my eyes left, I saw a good-looking man sitting alone. A flicker of recognition crossed his face and he smiled, beckoning me over. Smiling back awkwardly, I headed towards him. The walk was slightly longer than a smile should last, so I had to make the decision to drop it or risk looking like a smiling maniac. I went for the former, unconsciously opting to chew my bottom lip instead.
‘You must be Mel?’ he asked politely, standing up to greet me and stretching his arm out to shake my hand. I found a handshake a little odd, but since my experience of online dating had been minimal, I decided to brush it off.
‘Yes, that’s me,’ I said uncomfortably, returning his handshake, ‘Which would make you Mark?’ I continued, breaking the awkward silence that followed.
‘The one and only.’ He grinned. I winced at his cheesy intonation. Still, it was minor, and he was probably just nervous. I must give him a chance.
‘Shall we get some dri—’ I cut myself off, realising that he was already in possession of a pint. ‘So do you like Greek food?’ I asked instead.
He shook his head before speaking; he’d just taken a big gulp of beer. ‘Not really tried it. I tell a lie – I have tried it, many years ago. Me and my mates went to Malia for a bit of a holiday, so I reckon I tried it then. All I can remember are these giant—’ he indicated the size with his hands ‘—chicken kebab things with chips in. So I thought it seemed a bit different, a bit fancy, great for a date, and if I didn’t like the look of anything I could always get a chicken and chip kebab. It’s win-win.’ He swigged
