over it. It was a glorious, give-me-morious, start-of-the-storious sort of a Spring morning. And as you can imagine with your tiny little brains, everyone was looking forward to it like a rascal.
‘I’m looking forward to it like a rascal,’ said Jonathan Ripples, the fattest man in town. ‘I think I’ll celebrate by eating not one, not two, but eight hot cross buns.’
‘I’m looking forward to it like a rascal,’ said Martin Launderette, who ran the launderette. ‘I think I’ll celebrate by spitting on not one, not two, but all eight of Jonathan Ripples’ hot cross buns.’
‘I’m looking forward to it like a rascal,’ said a little girl called Peter. ‘I think I’ll read my favourite children’s book – “Biffy the Worm Gets Arrested for Accidentally Murdering Everyone in Canada”. It’s unputdownable!’
But just as everyone was about to settle down into their beautiful Spring mornings of eating, spitting and reading, a terrible shrieking was heard. It was Old Granny, the oldest woman in Lamonic Bibber. She was running up the high street and she was shrieking at the top of her voice.
‘The Old Ways are back!’ cried Old Granny as she hinged it up the street, her petticoats all a-billow.
‘Oh, dear,’ said Jonathan Ripples, shaking his big fat head big fat sadly. ‘She’s been at the sherry again.’
‘LIES!’ protested Old Granny, taking a quick sip of sherry from the bottle she always kept hidden in her handbag. ‘I never touch the stuff! But listen! The Old Ways are back, I tell you!’
Well, by now quite a large crowd had gathered, and amongst them were two heroes you may know quite well. One was Friday O’Leary, a marvellous old fellow who knew the secrets of time and space. And the other was Polly, the happiest nine-year-old you could ever hope to meet. She was brave and true, like a how-do-you-do and she had everything she needed in life – a face, a couple of elbows and a pocket full of felt-tip pens. And hardly any of them had even run out.
‘THE TRUTH IS A LEMON MERINGUE!’ shouted Friday O’Leary, as he sometimes liked to do. ‘What’s all this then?’
‘Shh,’ said Polly. ‘Old Granny’s ’bout to speak.’
The townsfolk fell silent as Old Granny regarded them with a mysterious gaze. Then she fell asleep. Then she woke up and regarded them with another mysterious gaze. Then she fell asleep again.
‘Told you she was drunk,’ whispered Jonathan Ripples.
‘LIES!’ cried Old Granny, her eyes flying open into her most mysterious gaze yet. ‘Now, here is my incredible news. The Old Ways have come back from before the days of Science! Ancient spirits have awoken! Strange wisps and fancies are amongst us! ’Tis the truth, ’tis the truth, ’tis the truth I tell, now come with me and I will show you well!’
‘Ooooh,’ went the little girl called Peter.
‘Aaaah,’ went Jonathan Ripples.
‘CHIRP!’ went Crazy Barry Fungus, who thought he was a chaffinch.
‘The Old Ways are back!’ cried the crowd – and they all set off after Old Granny, chanting for all they were worth.
‘What does you reckons, Frides?’ said Polly. ‘Shall we follow them?’
‘I think we’d better,’ replied Friday, stroking his toes thoughtfully. ‘They all seem to have gone a bit mad, and that is what is called “Spring Fever”. Or as it is known in France, “Les Crazies de la Brains de la Boing-Boing.’”
Up at the top of Boaster’s Hill, where the air is fresh and clean, and it’s a lovely place to fly a kite and the stars come out and twinkle at night and I once saw a tramp there having a fight, with a cat dressed up as the Queen – yes, up at the top of Boaster’s Hill, a school lesson was taking place in the bright morning sunshine. And who was giving that lesson but Alan Taylor, the tiny gingerbread headmaster.
‘. . . So as I have just demonstrated, children,’ he was saying now, ‘grass is very nice to sit on, but be careful because it can tickle. Now, can anyone tell me the name of this handsome creature over here?’
‘Is it a rhino, sir?’ said a girl called Caroline.
‘Very close, Caroline,’ said Alan Taylor kindly. ‘Actually it is known as an “ant”. Now, who can tell me –’
But just then there was an almighty ruckus and a rickus and a buckus and a bickus as over the hill came the crowd of townsfolk, with Old Granny leading the way. And each and every one of those townsfolk – whether young or old, rich or poor, tall or short, thin or Jonathan Ripples – each and every one of them was chanting ‘The Old Ways are back!’
‘Hoi! What’s going on?!’ demanded Alan Taylor as the crowd stampeded through his lesson, scattering children and daisies in all directions. ‘What’s the meaning of this?’
‘They all done gone mad with the Spring Fevers, Alan Taylor!’ said Polly, rushing up with Friday O’Leary at her side. ‘They’re followin’ Old Granny into adventures unknown!’
‘Then we must follow them and keep them from harm!’ said Alan Taylor. ‘For they are but simple folk with simple legs and who knows what peril those legs could be marching them into? Children – get in line, single file!’
‘Alan Taylor, you gots that class so well-behaved it’s a marvel,’ said Polly, as the schoolchildren jumped into formation.
‘Yes,’ replied the gingerbread headmaster, blowing on his silver Teaching Whistle to start the children marching in time. ‘And when I think they used to be rowdy little goblins who loved misbehaving and pinching each other, it makes me especially proud. I have tamed them,’ he proclaimed, ‘through the power of education and sometimes blowing a whistle at them.’
And so it went. Old Granny marched on. And the crowd of townsfolk marched behind her. And Polly and her friends marched behind them. And the schoolchildren marched behind them. Yes, there was certainly a lot of marching going on that morning, and actually it was even the month of March, so that counts as another one, kind of.
Onwards, onwards they marched. Over the fields and far away they marched. Up hill and down dale they marched. Over a glistening lake they marched –
‘How
