it.
“I have my hands on their belts before they close the door behind me. I crawl onto their laps on their dirty bachelor’s sofas and do everything.”
He started shaking his head, but she wouldn’t stop.
“You have a baby, your body changes. You need something else. So I let them do anything. I’ve done everything.”
Her hand was moving, touching herself. She wouldn’t stop.
“That’s what I do while you’re at work. I wasn’t calling people on Craigslist, trying to replace your lawn mower. I wasn’t doing something for you, always for you.”
He’d forgotten about the lawn mower, forgotten that’s what she’d said she’d been doing that day. Trying to get a secondhand one after he’d gotten blood blisters on both hands using it the last time. That’s what she’d said she was doing.
“No,” she was saying, “I was calling men, making dates for sex. That’s what I do since I’ve had a baby and been at home. I don’t know how to do anything else. It’s amazing I haven’t been caught before. If only I hadn’t been caught.”
He covered his face with his hand. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
“How could you?” she said, a strangle in her throat. She was tugging all the sheet into her hands, rolling it, pulling off him, wringing it. “How could you?”
He dreamt of Shelby that night.
He dreamt he was wandering through the blue-dark of the house and when he got to Shelby’s room, there was no room at all and suddenly he was outside.
The yard was frost-tipped and lonely looking and he felt a sudden sadness. He felt suddenly like he had fallen into the loneliest place in the world, and the old toolshed in the middle seemed somehow the very center of that loneliness.
When they’d bought the house, they’d nearly torn it down—everyone said they should—but they decided they liked it; the “baby barn,” they’d called it, with its sloping roof and faded red paint.
But it was too small for anything but a few rakes and that push lawn mower with the sagging left wheel.
It was the only old thing about their house, the only thing left from before he was there.
By day, it was a thing he never thought about at all anymore, didn’t notice it other than the smell sometimes coming off it after rain.
But in the dream it seemed a living thing, neglected and pitiful.
It came to him suddenly that the lawn mower in the shed might still be fixed, and if it were, then everything would be okay and no one would need to look for lawn mowers and the thick tug of grass under his feet would not feel so heavy and all this loneliness would end.
He put his hand on the shed’s cool, crooked handle and tugged it open.
Instead of the lawn mower, he saw a small black sack on the floor of the shed.
He thought to himself in the way you do in dreams: I must have left the cuttings in here. They must be covered with mold and that must be the smell so strong it—
Grabbing for the sack, it slipped open, and the bag itself began to come apart in his hands.
There was the sound, the feeling of something heavy dropping to the floor of the shed.
It was too dark to see what was slipping over his feet, tickling his ankles.
Too dark to be sure, but it felt like the sweet floss of his daughter’s hair.
He woke already sitting up. A voice was hissing in his head: Will you look in the shed? Will you?
And that was when he remembered there was no shed in the backyard anymore. They’d torn it down when Lorie was pregnant because she said the smell of rot was giving her headaches, making her sick.
The next day the front page of the paper had a series of articles marking the two-month anniversary of Shelby’s disappearance.
They had the picture of Lorie under the headline: What Does She Know? There was a picture of him, head down, walking from the police station yesterday. The caption read: “More unanswered questions.”
He couldn’t read any of it, and when his mother called he didn’t pick up.
All day at work, he couldn’t concentrate. He felt everyone looking at him.
When his boss came to his desk, he could feel the careful way he was being talked to.
“Tom, if you want to leave early,” he said, “that’s fine.”
Several times he caught the administrative assistant staring at his screen saver, the snapshot of Lorie with ten-month-old Shelby in her Halloween costume, a black spider with soft spider legs.
Finally he did leave, at three o’clock.
Lorie wasn’t in the house and he was standing at the kitchen sink, drinking a glass of water, when he saw her through the window.
Though it was barely seventy degrees, she was lying on one of the summer loungers.
Headphones on, she was in a bright orange bikini with gold hoops in the straps and on either hip.
She had pushed the purple playhouse against the back fence, where it tilted under the elm tree.
He had never seen the bikini before, but he recognized the sunglasses, large ones with white frames she had bought on a trip Mexico she had taken with an old girlfriend right before she got pregnant.
Gleaming in the center of her slicked torso was a gold belly ring.
She was smiling, singing along to whatever music was playing in her head.
That night he couldn’t bring himself to go to bed. He watched TV for hours without watching any of it. He drank four beers in a row, which he had not done since he was twenty years old.
Finally, the beer pulled on him, and the Benadryl he took after, and he found himself sinking at last onto their mattress.
At some point in the middle of the night, there was a stirring next to him, her body shifting hard. It felt like something was happening.
“Kirsten,” she mumbled.
“What?” he asked. “What?”
Suddenly she half sat up, her elbows beneath her, looking straight ahead.
“Her daughter’s name was Kirsten,” she said, her voice soft and tentative. “I just remembered. Once, when we were talking, she said her daughter’s name was Kirsten. Because she liked how it sounded with Krusie.”
He felt something loosen inside him, then tighten again. What was this?
“Her last name was Krusie with a K,” she said, her face growing more animated, her voice more urgent. “I don’t know
