to come. She remembers her drive to “get started again” as follows:
“I want another child,” Jackie cried out, only weeks after her long-awaited daughter was born (following a three-and-a-half-year battle with primary infertility). Those first few weeks of babydom were filled with all the promised dreams of baby food commercials everywhere. She and her husband often looked down upon their (then) sleeping baby and commented that if only they “could,” they’d have many more. And then the long-awaited daughter “came to.”
Jackie relates, “Seriously, the next few months were consumed with feeding issues, sleeping issues, adjustment issues, family issues, and so on. We could barely imagine how we could care for the child we had, let alone another.
“Four years later, our son was born. I was convinced that we were perched on the edge of Camelot. Yet, a mere three years later when trying to negotiate an all-out war between the siblings we had dreamed of, I told my then seven-year-old daughter, ‘You’re so lucky! I always wanted a sibling. I thought you would too.’ In her inimitable manner, she stared at me before responding, ‘But, Mommy, you thought wrong!’ The best laid plans.”
In case you’re wondering about moving on down the road before you are even fully in the driver’s seat, we give you some good reasons to not rush into trying for another child:
Underestimating the responsibility and work of a new baby: Perhaps this is one of the reasons why sex is forbidden in the six weeks following delivery. If it wasn’t, maybe in that pink (or blue) cloud of new parenting, second babies would be sprouting up everywhere!
Wanting to have a spare: As a friend of multiples pointed out, doubling your child load doesn’t halve your fears of bad things happening. It actually doubles your fears, since it doubles your love.
Trying for that elusive son or daughter: Trying again just for another gender is a sure way to set yourself up for disappointment. You need look only as far as Jackie’s poor grandmother who birthed seven daughters prior to finally producing a male heir. Jackie’s uncle didn’t marry until much later in life and then decided to limit himself to one child whom he adores — who, by the way, is a daughter and will not continue the family name anyway!
Giving your child a playmate: As an only child myself, I (coauthor Jackie) always imagined the “luxury” of having a sibling to share my joys and the responsibilities of dealing with my parents as time went on. All I needed to clear up that misconception was time and eyesight. For as many inseparable siblings that exist, so do those who never speak at all. Biology is no guarantee of love or friendship. Nor is it a promise of commitment. Most families that I have encountered are made up of one child who bears many of the family burdens, including mending fences, dealing with aging relatives, and facilitating communication throughout the flock. Seldom are those responsibilities equally divided. The other lack of equality is in perception. I often wished for a sibling to share my views on my parents, our home, and life itself. Yet, it seems that there are as many different views of a family as there are members. Being raised together and/or in the exact same way does not guarantee a shared vision.Ideally, the parents of multiple children truly enjoy the experience of raising each child as an individual as well as part of a family. Giving your child a playmate is an added bonus to having more than one child, but not a reason in and of itself. Wanting to share your love again and again is cause for trying again, whatever the process of again may entail.
Co-author, John “Dr. R” says, “Having an only child has it ups and downs. During one of those father-daughter intense discussion sessions, I naively asked my daughter what I could have done better. As an aside, my suggestion is don’t ask! But my daughter told me she often felt alone even though she never asked for a sibling and had lots of cousins nearby. We have a big house, and she had an entire side to herself. Somehow, I thought that was a good thing. Not so much! But her suggestion as to how I could have been a better parent was to have bought her a dog. How simple is that! So, my first tip to parenting may be as simple as the addition of a dog!”
So, if siblings and families bring no promise of inherited closeness through thick and thin, then what are the reasons to duplicate or triplicate your efforts in the area of reproduction? We give you some good reasons in the list that follows:
There is a joy and warmth that can come in larger and extended families. If having a houseful of people around all the time makes you happy, a houseful of kids will guarantee it — at least until they grow up and leave the nest.
Siblings take off the pressure that only children are sometimes subject to — the pressure to be all things to their parents, the total fulfillment of every pre-parent dream.
Siblings can teach each other valuable life lessons — as well as some not so valuable ones. Sibling influence isn’t always beneficial!
You just want another baby. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as you remember that a new baby will, like the first, grow into an individual person with quirks and characteristics that may have you wondering why you thought this was a good idea in the first place.
Facing Secondary Infertility
Knowing what you’re dealing with, particularly if it is secondary infertility, doesn’t make it any easier. Often, if a woman had little to no problem conceiving a first or second child, the diagnosis of secondary infertility can be confusing. If there were problems the first time around, facing them again can be too much to bear. In the following sections, we discuss some of the different challenges that secondary infertility can present.
Wondering whether it will feel as bad as it did the first time?
Secondary infertility can be less stressful (you have a child), no different, or more stressful (you have a child who requires your time and efforts). Coping with secondary infertility after the stress of infertility sometimes seems unbearable. Perhaps you thought that despite the five years of trying to conceive baby number 1, baby number 2 would just miraculously appear one day. Sometimes that is the case, and conceiving and giving birth to number 1 seems to open the floodgates. More often than not, however, patterns tend to repeat themselves, including the pattern of primary infertility.
The obvious answer is to try the exact same plan that worked for you the first time after you have eliminated things which may have changed and introduced different barriers to pregnancy. If you want to try on your own, hoping for the possible reprieve from Infertility, Part 2, go ahead. But, for your peace of mind and for the sake of giving yourself the best opportunity within a reasonable amount of time, set some parameters. If you haven’t conceived naturally within six months to a year (less time if you’re over 40), consider going back to the drawing board and/or the original “architect,” whether that be your primary physician, OB/GYN, or reproductive endocrinologist.
Until you’ve given the tried and tested method another go-round, this probably isn’t the time to switch doctors, switch protocols, or go out on a brand-new limb. Give the old method at least a few tries before discussing moving to different options with your physician or before you discuss moving to a different physician with your partner.
