important to learn from it, when we learn it—from hours to years after—and how we use those lessons to persevere.
No matter who you are, or where you are in your career, you will have setbacks. You will be in need of counsel from friends and other supporters. And no book or piece of advice will make your pain go away immediately. There is no magic pill. But knowing that others have suffered in ways similar to you and somehow made it through is enough to help you pick up the pieces, reflect on them, and move on. Ironically, when I sat down with my documentary filmmaker friend I was feeling particularly terrible and self-judgmental about this book. That was when he told me about the Five Stages of Creativity, which somehow, I had never heard before:
Stage 1 - I'm really excited about this.
Stage 2 - This isn't as good as I thought it was.
Stage 3 - This is terrible.
Stage 4 - This is actually better than I realized.
Stage 5 - I'm really excited about this.
If everything were easy all the time, you would not value that ease. If “yes” were the answer to your every wish and demand, every victory and windfall would be meaningless. You think you want comfort, but what you really need is progress. Progress only arrives when a struggle is overcome. So, while I wish I could send you off into the world telling all your friends that this book solved everything for you, I know that would be unrealistic. Instead, I send you off into the world urging you to lean into your 10,000 “no”s. I urge you to really feel their pain and let that pain guide you past the “no” to greener pastures. I urge you to learn from them what not to do the next time, so you can turn those “no”s into a “yes.” I urge you to be grateful for them, for in them lies the wisdom of humanity and experience. There is no greater teacher than that which reminds you that your salvation lies in always striving, until your last dying breath.
Matthew Del Negro
January 2020
CHAPTER 1 Getting Started
“You never know when those other supportive factors are going to want to converge around your work, but they won't if you don't take the first step.”
—Jessica Blank, Writer, The Exonerated
There are many things that can muddy the waters and make something so simple, like trying a new hobby or ditching a bad habit, seem complex. As crazy as it sounds, most humans will come up with excuse after excuse to try to wiggle out of doing the one thing they know they need to do in order to accomplish their deepest desires. But really, it all begins with one step. I believe you will only take that step, and change the course you are on, when the thought of not doing something becomes more painful to you than the thought of giving it a try. It really is that simple.
Keep It Simple, Stupid
The truth that most people fail to acknowledge, however, is that doing something, even if you're following a dream, can still be painful a lot of the time. When you're following a dream, though, there's a pot of gold at the end of the pain. That pot may not be filled with literal gold, but it should at least hold the gold of fulfillment. That fulfillment usually comes in the form of peace, satisfaction, and a pride that only comes from living with purpose.
“We don't tell ourselves, ‘I'm never going to write my symphony.’ Instead we say, ‘I'm going to write my symphony; I'm just going to start tomorrow.’”
—Stephen Pressfield, The War of Art
People these days, myself included, are obsessed with the origin stories of those who have broken away from the pack to take the road less traveled. This is not surprising given the difficulty required to take the first step down any path. The question I'm asked the most, besides how I memorize all my lines, is how I became a professional actor. The trite answer I usually give in interviews is that it started with a girl. That leads to a story about a breakup in college while studying abroad, which ultimately led to my decision to quit playing lacrosse my junior year at Boston College. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I auditioned for a play, and the rest is history. But perhaps a more truthful and accurate answer is that it started with a plethora of proverbial “no”s throughout my childhood.
Before You Take Your First Step, Ask Yourself Why You're Moving
Most people can trace their why back to some pain, rejection, or perceived loss in childhood that they are now trying to fix. I am no different. For me, my why was forged in the pain of my parents' marriage, which looked one way to my immediate family and another to the rest of the world. As the youngest member of the family, and the peacekeeper, I was constantly interpreting one family member's actions to another. Socially, my role was similar. I could always relate to most people so I'd find myself explaining one person to another, even if they were part of vastly different social subsets. The price I paid for keeping the peace was that I internalized everything and carried it around with me. Looking back now, it is easier to see that my career choice did not really come out of nowhere, the way I previously viewed it, as my job now is to interpret the words of writers and the experiences of the characters I play. But I had zero awareness of this link back then.
On top of carrying other people's secrets around, as well as my own pain and frustration, I could never to seem to attain the things I wanted the most. As far back as the fifth grade, I'd pursue a girl I liked, get close to her, and muster up the courage to ask her out. But, one way or another, I'd end up alone after it fell apart due to a change of heart or some other obstacle I never saw coming until it was too late. Rejection is defined as the dismissing of an idea or the spurning of a person's affections, and I had plenty of both. I feel bad for a certain girl I “loved” in fifth grade because, while I've only run into her on rare occasions since we graduated high school, I never miss the opportunity to remind her of our date that never happened. I had charmed her enough to eventually elicit a “yes” when I asked her to the year-end town carnival, but on the night of the event, she stood me up. Two friends of mine still love to laugh about the memory of me riding The Whip alone in the rain. And while I can laugh at myself about it now, back then it added to the feeling that I was not where I wanted to be emotionally, and not sure I'd ever get there.
While I was not a child actor, I still managed to get a “no” when I auditioned for the role of the Cowardly Lion in an elementary school production of The Wizard of Oz. I had forgotten this story for a long time because it occurred long before I thought of acting as a viable career. It's only been in recent years, as I've reflected about the lessons I've learned in the course of my career, that I've remembered it. It was a play in which the kids in my class were required to participate. I really thought I could get the role of the Cowardly Lion until the new girl, upon whom I had a massive crush, completely outshined me with her audition. (Side note: this was a different crush. I moved on from the carnival stander-upper. But I screwed this one up, too—it wasn't until eighth or ninth grade, when I admitted to liking her three years prior, that she revealed she had a crush on me when she first moved to our school. Talk about missed opportunities. More on self-dispensed “no”s later.)
In the present day, I motivate myself by the thought that there is always someone out there more talented than me ready to take my roles. Perhaps it started back then, with my grade-school crush. She could sing and dance, and she had what people might call “it.” My talent, on the other hand, was rewarded with the consolation prize of playing Uncle Henry. I still remember my sole line, telling Auntie Em I had to fix the incubator. It was an illustrious beginning to my career,
