Beneath that he’d written: adoption. She swallowed. Did she have the strength for that? If she loved this baby then wouldn’t she want the very best for it? Wouldn’t she fight to give it the very best, regardless of the cost to her personally?
She froze when she realised that was exactly what she’d do. She loved this baby. All she had to work out now was what would be in the baby’s best interests.
She pulled Majed’s list back towards her. Two hard, dark lines separated those first two items from the rest of his list. Pulling in a breath, she read on...
* * *
Majed watched Sarah’s eyes widen as she read down the list he’d made. He knew when she’d reached the end of the list because it wasn’t possible for her eyes to go any wider.
She glanced across at him and saw him watching her. Something arced in the air between them before she gave him a brave little smile that cracked open something in his chest and started up an ache that he feared would never go away.
He couldn’t afford to fall in love with this woman. He couldn’t afford to fall in love with anyone. Love clouded one’s judgement. And when one’s judgement was clouded it put the people one cared about at risk.
He couldn’t fall in love with Sarah, but he could look after her.
‘Good morning,’ she whispered.
Her voice emerged on a rasp, as if her throat was dry, and he threw off his blanket, rose and strode to the kitchen. ‘Let me get you something hot to drink. You should’ve helped yourself.’
‘I didn’t want to disturb you.’
He came back with glasses of apple juice and steaming mugs of herbal tea. His body cried out for strong black coffee but, if Sarah was avoiding caffeine the way most pregnant women he knew did, then it would be cruel to drink it in front of her.
He nodded at his list. ‘I tried to cover every possible option I could think of. Are there any you’ve thought of that I’ve missed?’
She shook her head and sipped her tea. He watched carefully for any signs of nausea but she merely closed her eyes and inhaled the steam as if welcoming the warmth into her body. Her clothes looked rumpled from having been slept in, and she had bed hair, but beneath all of that a vitality and vibrancy that had been lacking yesterday had started to emerge.
‘You’ve thought of things that hadn’t occurred to me.’ She pointed to the very last item on the list. ‘That’s a bit over the top, don’t you think?’
He shrugged but his gut tightened. ‘My purpose was to list every option I could think of, without making value judgements.’
He’d spent a lot of time in the West. Four years in the UK at Oxford University with trips to the USA in the summer breaks. For the last four years, he’d worked in Australia. But he’d grown up in Keddah Jaleel—a world of ancient tradition, arranged marriages and duty. He knew exactly what his family would expect of him in this situation.
He had no intention of forcing those expectations onto Sarah but...
‘I want you to know that whichever one of those options you settle on, whichever you deem is in your and the baby’s best interests, I’ll support you one-hundred percent.’ He didn’t want her to doubt that for a moment.
She set her mug down, a deep furrow marring her brow.
‘What?’
‘Your happiness is just as important as mine.’
He didn’t deserve happiness. He didn’t say that out loud, though. It was a sentiment that would horrify her. He nodded at the list. ‘None of those options make me unhappy.’
Her raised eyebrow told him she didn’t believe him. She pointed towards the top of the list. ‘This line here is rather dark. It looks angry. Does that mean you hate the idea of abortion and adoption?’
He tried to keep his face unreadable. ‘I’ve no ethical objection to either. It’s just...’ He reached out and wrapped her hand in his. ‘It’s just, I don’t dare care for the life growing inside you if those are the routes you’re considering.’
She stared at him with such intensity his mouth went dry. The pulse at the base of her throat pounded and he could feel an answering throb start up at the centre of him.
‘You care about this baby?’
The question was raw, Sarah’s voice full of heartbreak and hope, and he didn’t know which one would win out.
He nodded. There wasn’t a single doubt in his mind that if Sarah had this child—if—he would love it with everything that was inside him.
Then tell her that. You need to give her more.
But he didn’t want to pressure her one way or the other.
She winced. ‘Majed?’
He realised he was all but crushing her hand. He loosened his grip immediately and massaged her hand gently before releasing it. ‘Last night I found myself getting excited about the prospect of a baby.’ A grandchild for his parents—what a gift! ‘I know this is completely unexpected. Not in a million years would I have thought... I mean, we were careful.’
‘We were. This is so...unplanned.’
‘But it doesn’t follow that it’s not a blessing.’
She went still and he chose his next words with care. ‘I had to rein in my excitement last night because you deciding not to go ahead with the pregnancy is a valid choice, and an understandable one.’
She sat back and massaged her temples. The conflict he saw mirrored in her face tore at him. Without a word, she reached out and turned over the first page of the notepad. She’d written a list of pros and cons. Only one item was listed under the ‘pros’ heading. He read it and something fierce gripped his gut. He didn’t bother reading her long list of cons. He seized her hand again. ‘If you love this baby, Sarah, then you must keep it.’
Her gaze dropped from his. Her hand trembled. She pulled it free and reached for her tea. ‘This baby deserves more than I can give it.’
‘We’re in this together. I’ll help you financially. Between us—’ He broke off, his heart thundering in his chest. ‘You won’t deny me access to the child...will you?’
Her mug clattered back to the table. ‘Of course not. I wouldn’t dream of it—not if you want to be a part of the baby’s life.’
‘I want that very much.’ He wanted them to be very clear on that point.
‘But, Majed, I’m not talking about the financial arrangements here. I have—’ she rolled her eyes ‘—marketable skills. I don’t doubt my ability to get another job.’
It would be so much harder with a baby, though. And they both knew it.
It took a beat longer for what she wasn’t saying to hit him. He wanted to take her hand again, to offer her silent support, but she had
