“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn't try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one does not need others' approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.” ~ Laozi
We are confident when we can trust in ourselves. Confidence is self-assurance, self-reliance, autonomy, and self-sufficiency. If I am asked to speak before a group, I may at first tremble and squirm with stage fright, but I know that I have the skills necessary to overcome my anxiety and face the audience with confidence. If I lose my job, I can rely on whatever talents and proficiencies I have developed over the years to secure another position. If I am self-reliant, I know my strengths, and can take the necessary steps to exploit them.
Confidence is not wishful thinking, but rather self-knowledge, independence and ability in various aspects of living. What are you good at?
Consideration
“Courteousness is consideration for others; politeness is the method used to deliver such considerations.” ~Bryant McGill
In the context of values, consideration is akin to compassion. It is a form of empathy for others’ feelings and schedules that requires a certain behavior designed to ensure that we do not inconvenience our fellows. If we have accepted an invitation, yet find ourselves unable to attend, it is considerate for us to be aware of our host’s schedule and plans, and offer our apologies in a timely manner. Consideration does not extend to flimsy excuses or transparent pretexts to evade obligations. It is thoughtfulness and caring for others.
Put yourself in someone else’s place.
Contentment
“The greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.” ~Martha Washington
Abraham Lincoln expounded on the philosophy of contentment, stating that man is as happy as he makes up his mind to be. The concept that one can choose his disposition is evidently far older than pop psychology. Lincoln himself suffered more setbacks and hardships than the average human being can endure, yet, lived with the vision that he, and only he, and not his circumstances, had the capacity to choose his level of happiness.
Whatever your circumstances, choose contentment. Choose acceptance of the blessings you have been given – for there are many.
Cooperation
“A choir is made up of many voices, including yours and mine. If one by one all go silent then all that will be left are the soloists. Don’t let a loud few determine the nature of the sound. It makes for poor harmony and diminishes the song.” ~Vera Nazarian
Man (and woman, of course) evolved to live in groups - just like the wolf and the whale, the dolphin and the elephant, the chimpanzee and the lion. Survival demands cooperation among the members of the group. In a pride of lions, the female hunts along with her sisters, while the males laze in the shade. This is as it should be. A pack of wolves hunts as a group, both males and females, but the hierarchy of feeding on the kill goes from alpha male to alpha female, and on down the line. These are all survival mechanisms that have evolved through the millennia. Humans, too, live in groups. Without cooperation, there would be no food, no safety, no shelter, and the species would perish.
This holds true for modern life as well. Even though our lives are harried, often frenetic, and we have become accustomed to living in our private shells in our cars, with our air conditioning and entertainment centers, separated by privacy walls, and protected by privacy laws, we are still are a group. We cannot escape this reality. In subtle or more explicit ways, cooperation among each other is essential for us to survive, physically, emotionally, and psychologically.
Courage
“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” ~Winston Churchill
Courage is scary. It means facing our fears. We all know that, but what exactly does this look like? Here are some examples. If you have been abused as a child, courage might involve standing up to the abuser, and letting it be known that you will no longer accept that treatment. Courage may mean distancing yourself or removing yourself from the situation.
Courage implies a measure of fear. If fear were not involved, no courage would be needed. It requires courage to embark on a Ph.D. program in your 50s – facing years of intense study, research, and experimentation, writing theses, defending them to intimidating professors, and having to stick to the program while the rest of your life waits in the wings.
If you wish to shed some pounds, courage is needed here, too. To abstain from favorite foods and favorite activities, or engage in increased exercise that may produce sore muscles and a long uphill battle requires courage. The courage to stick it out, stay the course, even when immediate results are not forthcoming.
The payoff for acts of courage is enormous. The quote, “Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain” has been attributed variously to Ralph Waldo Emerson and Mark Twain. Regardless, I am not sure that the death of fear is certain, but certainly, self-esteem increases in direct measure to the courage that is needed in a given situation. Fear is hard wired into our physiology. It is part of our reptilian brain, and serves us well to protect us from danger. But most situations we are customarily afraid of are either nonexistent or sheer fantasy. Of the things that are properly fear evoking, facing that fear may well be the only path to the other side.
Courtesy
“Courtesy is a silver lining around the dark clouds of civilization; it is the best part of refinement and in many ways, an art of heroic beauty in the vast gallery of man’s cruelty and baseness.” ~Bryant McGill
Courtesy is one of the ways we are distinguished from the lower animals. As the quote above indicates, courtesy elevates us from baseness, the cruel and survivalist tendencies of the uncivilized. Courtesy is the grease of social interactions. Courtesy is diplomacy and tact; it is wearing kid gloves when touching a sensitive subject. Courtesy is consideration. You may not like someone’s skirt or shoes, but do you gain anything by voicing your opinion? Even if your opinion were sought, what would you gain by being cruel?
Courtesy is gentleness toward our fellows. It is an awareness and empathy; it is a gift.
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