and it bears highlighting that this was evident among parents of very young children. Parents of sons reported negative responses to their sons’ wearing pink or frilly clothing; wearing skirts, dresses, or tights; and playing dress up in any kind of feminine attire. Nail polish elicited concern from a number of parents too, as they reported young sons wanting to have their fingernails or toenails polished. Dance, especially ballet, and Barbie dolls were also among the traditionally female activities often noted negatively by parents of sons. Of the 31 parents of sons, 23 mentioned negative reactions to at least one of these icons.
In relation to objects such as clothing and toys, the following responses are typical of the many concerns raised and the many indications of actions parents had taken to accomplish gender with and for their sons:
He’s asked about wearing girl clothes before, and I said no…. He likes pink, and I try not to encourage him to like pink just because, you know, he’s not a girl…. There’s not many toys I wouldn’t get him, except Barbie, I would try not to encourage that. (white, low-income, heterosexual mother)
If we go into a clothing store…. I try to shy my son away from the Powerpuff Girls shirt or anything like that…. I would steer him away from a pink shirt as opposed to having him wear a blue shirt. (Asian American, middle-class, heterosexual father)
These quotes are typical of many instances in which parents not only specify the items that strike them as problematic but clearly indicate the actions they take in accomplishing gender. In the first quote, the mother indicates her actions in encouraging and discouraging various outcomes, while in the second, the father reports “shying away” and “steering” his young son.
Playing with nail polish and makeup, although tolerated by some parents, more often evoked negative responses like this one, from a white, upper-middle-class, gay father, speaking about his four-year-old son’s use of nail polish: He put nail polish on himself one time, and I said “No, you can’t do that, little girls put nail polish on, little boys don’t.”
Barbie dolls are an especially interesting example in that many parents reported positive responses to baby dolls, viewing these as encouraging nurturance and helping to prepare sons for fatherhood. Barbie, on the other hand, an icon of femininity, struck many parents of sons as more problematic. Barbie was often mentioned when parents were asked whether their child had ever requested an item or activity more commonly associated with the other gender. Four parents—three mothers and one father—indicated that they had purchased a Barbie at their son’s request, but more often parents of sons noted that they would avoid letting their son have or play with Barbie dolls. Sometimes this negative response was categorical, as in the quote above in which a mother of a three-year-old son noted that there’s not many toys I wouldn’t get him, except Barbie. A father offers a similar negative reaction to Barbie in relation to his two young sons: If they asked for a Barbie doll, I would probably say no, you don’t want [that], girls play with [that], boys play with trucks (white, middle-class, heterosexual father)….
Along with material markers of femininity, many parents expressed concern about excessive emotionality (especially frequent crying) and passivity in their sons. For example, a white, upper-middle-class, heterosexual father, concerned about public crying, said about his five-year-old son, I don’t want him to be a sissy…. I want to see him strong, proud, not crying like a sissy. Another father expressed his frustration with his four-year-old son’s crying over what the father views as minor injuries and indicated action to discourage those tears: Sometimes I get so annoyed, you know, he comes [crying], and I say, “you’re not hurt, you don’t even know what hurt is yet,” and I’m like “geez, sometimes you are such a little wean,” you know? (white, middle-class, heterosexual father).
Passivity was also raised as a concern, primarily by fathers. For example, one white, middle-class, heterosexual father of a five-year-old noted that he has told his son to stop crying like a girl, and also reported encouraging that son to fight for what he wants: You just go in the corner and cry like a baby, I don’t want that. If you decide you want [some] thing, you are going to fight for it, not crying and acting like a baby and hoping that they’re going to feel guilty and give it to you.
A mother who commented negatively about passivity even more directly connected her concern to how her son might be treated: I do have concerns…. He’s passive, not aggressive…. He’s not the rough and tumble kid, and I do worry about him being an easy target (white, working-class, heterosexual mother).
Taken together, these various examples indicate clearly the work many parents are doing to accomplish gender with and for their sons in a manner that distances those sons from any association with femininity. This work was not evident among all parents of sons. But for most parents, across racial, class, and sexual orientation categories, it was indeed evident.
Homosexuality
Along with these icons of feminine gender performance, and arguably directly linked to them, is the other clear theme evident among some parents’ negative responses to perceived gender nonconformity on the part of their sons: fear that a son either would be or would be perceived as gay. Spontaneous connections of gender nonconformity and sexual orientation were not evident in parents’ comments about daughters, nor among gay and lesbian parents, but arose for 7 of the 27 heterosexual parents who were discussing sons. The following two examples are typical of responses that invoked the possibility of a son’s being gay, with explicit links to performance of femininity and to the parents’ own role in accomplishing heterosexuality:
If he was acting feminine, I would ask and get concerned on whether or not, you know. I would try to get involved and make sure he’s not gay. (white, low-income, heterosexual mother)
There are things that are meant for girls, but why would it be bad for him to have one of them? I don’t know, maybe I have some deep, deep, deep buried fear that he would turn out, well, that his sexual orientation may get screwed up. (white, middle-class, heterosexual father)
The first comment explicitly indicates that feminine behavior, even in a three-year-old boy, might be an indicator of an eventual nonheterosexual orientation. The second comment raises another possibility: that playing with toys “that are meant for girls” might not indicate but rather shape the son’s eventual sexual orientation. In both cases, though, the parent is reporting on actions, either actual or hypothetical, taken to discourage homosexuality and accomplish heterosexuality. Another quote from a father raises a similar concern and further exemplifies parental responsibility for the accomplishment of masculinity as linked to heterosexuality. This father had noted throughout the interview that his five-year-old son tends to show some attributes he considers feminine. At one point, he mentioned that he sometimes wondered if his son might be gay, and he explained his reaction to that possibility in the following terms: If [he] were to be gay, it would not make me happy at all. I would probably see that as a failure as a dad …, as a failure because I’m raising him to be a boy, a man (white, upper-middle-class, heterosexual father). This comment suggests that the parent does not view masculinity as something that naturally unfolds but rather as something he feels responsible for crafting, and he explicitly links heterosexual orientation to the successful accomplishment of masculinity.
The fact that the connection between gender performance and sexual orientation was not raised for daughters, and that fear of homosexuality was not spontaneously mentioned by parents of daughters whether in connection to gender performance or not, suggests how closely gender conformity and heterosexuality are linked within hegemonic constructions of masculinity. Such connections might arise more by adolescence in relation to daughters, as I noted previously regarding other aspects of parental responses to gender nonconformity. But for sons, even among parents of very young children, heteronormativity appears to play a role in shaping parental responses to gender nonconformity….
