I Haven’t Gone Jafar Enough’, etc.
Devon or Cornwall – Plenty of Tory voters, lots of places to have a cream tea and two of the few regions in the UK that will make her look positively dynamic.
Dubai – Cons: built by modern-day slavery. Pros: lovely aquarium.
USA – A brief informal visit to see Hillary might help establish a much-needed diplomatic bond ahead of her election win.
Oxfordshire – I’d like to send the PM to a sleepy Oxfordshire village for a week on the off-chance that the murder of a wealthy local developer takes place at the same time. I just think she’d make a good TV detective. Philip as her trusty sidekick… Maybe there could be a series: ‘The Hiking Detective’? That could be her thing. Like Sherlock Holmes and his violin. OK, yes, I’m bored of this list now.
| From: | Martin Doherty [mailto: [email protected]] |
| Sent: | 25th August 2016 10:23 |
| To: | M [mailto: [email protected]] |
| Subject: | Farageband |
Hello M,
How’s the Westminster turd-polishing business?
Just thought I should touch base with you re this Nigel Farage. He’s on our radar today because he’s in Mississippi with Trump for one of his cheering-and-balloon extravaganzas. Have you ever been to one of these? It’s essentially an 8-year-old’s birthday party but much, much larger. And where the 8-year-old is also the hired clown.
Anyway, the file on Farage here in the US is as old as his dress sense. We need some fresh data on him before the rally. Axworthy are keen for us to monitor his and Trump’s relationship in case DJT is elected in November. It’s almost as if our superiors know something we don’t.
Please could you provide a quick doc of any info that could be useful? We know that he’s a divisive political figure in the United Kingdom and we also know that it’s impossible to gauge where his neck ends and his head begins but that’s about it.
Look forward to hearing from you.
Marty
| From: | M [mailto: [email protected]] |
| Sent: | 25th August 2016 10:51 |
| To: | Martin Doherty [mailto: [email protected]] |
| Subject: | Farageband |
Dear McFly,
Thanks for your email.
I have attached a quick fact file on Farage, though quite why Axworthy thinks their relationship is worth monitoring is beyond me. Trump has obviously been advised by his cabal of degenerate carpet sharks that associating with the current leading light in modern British bigotry will help globalise his campaign and, crucially, galvanise anti-liberal feeling across the west.
But let’s be in no doubt: this fling is for one night only. The frothy-mouthed, corduroy-cap-wearing Dad’s Army caricature will no doubt enjoy watching his divisive rhetoric being hoovered up by Trump’s hardcore army tonight, but trust me, as soon as Farage has endorsed Trump, the honeymoon will be over. It’ll be ‘Back to Sevenoaks with you and make your own way to the airport, puddle-mouth’.
Farage to Trump is just a doorman. And once he’s opened that door, Farage is expendable. He’s just a man. Standing alone by a door. Wearing a silly hat.
But who am I to argue against the strategies of our superiors? Hope the file is more use than the man himself.
Best,
M.
Thursday 25th August 2016
Nigel Farage – What to Know
Frankly, the less you know about him the better: it’s like asking for a fact file on warts or poisonous insects. Who really wants to know? What follows are a few pointers. If you need anything else, God forbid, let me know.
Farage and UKIP
Farage has an odd relationship with his own party. As leader he clearly possessed lofty ambitions for its development and future but, regrettably for him, the extraordinary way in which the party attracted the country’s most dangerously ignorant, jingoistic dimwits meant that, on the face of it, UKIP would always come across as rather pantomimic. Less mainstream political party, more Mad Hatter’s Tea Party.
When Farage tried resigning in 2015, the party refused to accept his resignation because they knew without him at the helm throwing his weight around in Europe (and appearing on BBC’s Question Time more often than the theme tune) the curtain would well and truly be ripped away, exposing UKIP as the wildly ineffectual, tinpot rabble of blustering lunatics we always suspected it to be.
Farage and Europe
He savours every moment in the European Parliament – not because his supporters back home see him as a modern British crusader against European federalism, but because he enjoys being a nuisance. And that’s what puts the sugar in his tea: being loathed. This is because loathing leads to rage, rage leads to fighting and fighting leads to discord, political splits, divisive rhetoric and extreme policies. A four-course meal made in heaven, for Nige.
You only have to look at his boiled face to know what motivates him. He’s like Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet, only the gas in the tank is continental disdain.
Farage and the US
We understand Farage has close links with Trump’s chief strategist and part-time offal impersonator Steve Bannon. One can only imagine what the discourse is like:
‘So our team in the US is gonna create political intolerance throughout the western world via a highly sophisticated campaign of Russian-backed social media infiltration.’
‘Righty-o.’
‘What about you?’
‘I’m going to complain to the BBC for editing racial colloquialisms out of old sitcoms.’
‘Sorry, what?’
Farage and the Environment
Farage doesn’t have time for climate change. Not yet anyway. When he’s hurriedly adapting his Range Rover Discovery into an amphibious 4x4 and propelling himself into town for marked-up lifejackets from House of Fraser, then he’ll have time for it. But at the moment he’s one of those rah-rah-pish-and-nonsense puffins who believe the green agenda to reverse the damage done to the world is nothing but a liberal scam. Quite how saving the planet can be interpreted as some sort of hoax is a theory I’ve yet to fully comprehend.
Farage and Smoking
Farage was against the public smoking ban and saw his own habit as an act of solidarity and defiance. This is the kind of man you’re dealing with: someone who smokes a cigarette indoors and thinks they’re Thomas Becket.
Miscellaneous Farage Data I’ve Made Up
