fathers’ perspectives, time and presence were the most valued assets they, and only they, could offer their children. Jonathan, a twenty-three-year-old Latino father of two, communicated this when he told me: “If you can imagine a kid, and you just send them money and keep a roof over their head, and they’re just there growing up on their own, they have some of what they need, but they’re missing out on you. How would they know right from wrong?” Other kids may have more money and things, Jonathan noted, but his children were “more privileged” than those with breadwinning-only rich fathers. He believed that such kids were impoverished in terms of what really matters—a father who loves and values them enough to be around and spend his precious time with them.
In drawing symbolic boundaries between themselves and other fathers who provided only money, albeit a lot more than they could, fathers in DADS stressed how money could not replace the value of fathers’ time, attention, and wisdom. Anyone, they rationalized, could provide money and things, but only fathers could provide a guiding paternal presence, rendering them uniquely important. Tomas, a thirty-three-year-old Latino father of three, learned this through DADS and life experience: “Don’t just tell them go outside and play, but actually try to get involved. A lot of dads aren’t active anymore. Go to a park, just play with the child, and just be there for them. The most important thing is time. You may not have a lot of money to take them to fancy places or to the mall, but if you can spend time, that would be an invaluable kind of thing you can’t replace. I’m learning from [DADS] not to just say, ‘Here’s ten dollars, where do you want to go spend it?’ ” Estranged from his two older children whom he saw only occasionally when they were young, he was trying to be a better parent with his youngest by spending time, not just money. Tomas hoped spending this time would prevent his younger child from resenting him like his older siblings did.
His classmate Maxwell, a twenty-one-year-old Black father of one, also emphasized time when describing what fathers were specifically equipped to give their children: “Being a good dad is stopping what you’re doing to spend time with your son, to teach him things, like talking, to read him books, to teach him the ABCs, and to teach him to cope. I do my money part as a father, the clothes, the diapers, the wipes, and everything, but buying diapers, clothes, and food is something that anybody can do for him. I’m the one who has to spend time and teach my son. Anybody can buy something. That’s just money. That’s not a father.” Men reasoned that they, and they alone, could give children confidence by proving that their fathers loved them enough to be and stay around.
By stressing this message, DADS helped men overcome the insecurities of being failed financial providers. Many told me that they came to the program believing they were lacking as fathers because of their inability to earn a lot of money. Harris, an eighteen-year-old Black father of one, described this feeling of inadequacy:
I came in believing I don’t have a lot to offer, but I was going to make sure I’m in my kid’s life. I don’t have a big house and a lot of toys to give my son. All I can give him is love and quality time and show him I really care about him. . . . I don’t have a spot. I don’t have a house. I don’t really have anything. But I now know I was worrying about the wrong things, about how I was going to provide for him, instead of being a father. That’s how my dad was, a financial father spoiling me with money, not with time.
Through DADS Harris was learning to challenge benchmarks of good fathering that depended on privilege. With dreams of taking his son fishing and being more than the “financial father” who raised him, Harris now felt he had a lot to offer by committing his life to his son’s well-being and “spoiling [his] son with attention and quality time.”
Providing this time and attention meant facing the omnipresent threat of violence, death, and incarceration these men faced. The realization that staying alive and being around for one’s children were accomplishments and forms of provision was a catalyst for changing their lives. Ambitions of being responsible fathers who continued to defy these odds motivated them to change into the kind of people they aspired to be. This came up in the third focus group I conducted when men discussed the meanings of responsibility they were learning in DADS:
| RODRIGO | (nineteen, multiracial, expectant father): A daddy is a sperm donor who just hits it and leaves, but a father is responsible. |
| JAMES | (nineteen, multiracial, father of two): We sit here and talk about ways to become better dads and how some dads do nothing. Dudes make babies and just leave their babies with the moms, and somebody else comes and takes responsibility. |
| XEO | (twenty-one, Black, father of one): Responsible fathers play a direct role in taking care of a child. |
| JAMES: | Right, a good dad is a person who’s there to provide and protect and love their family when they need it. |
| RODRIGO: | Yeah, we’re always talking here about how a father balances that with the ability to show them affection, to show them love from their father. It’s not the same as love from the mother. |
| JAMES: | Right, man, you got to be there to provide anything you can when you can and not just money but love, basically everything that a child needs. A dad should be there to provide for them, and they should want to be there. |
| XEO: | Right on! It’s just actually being there, being present, taking care of duties. |
| JAMES | (interrupting in agreement): Through play time, bath time, all that time with your kids. |
| RODRIGO | (interjecting excitedly): Yes, actively do everything! |
| MANUEL | (nineteen, Latino, father of one): That’s why I consider myself a good dad because any chance to be with my daughter I spend with her. |
| RODRIGO: | You got it, man! [DADS] is teaching us that being a father is that whole other mindset, another mentality entirely. It changes who you are. It has to change you. [Everyone nods in agreement]. |
| JAMES: | Everything about you—moneywise, who you hang around, the stuff you do, dropping a lot of the stuff you used to do—you got to change it all. |
| MANUEL: | I would be at home doing nothing without my baby. |
| JAMES: | And I’d be in the streets kicking it if I didn’t have my kids. When she was born in the hospital, they put that ink on her feet. They put her footprints on my shirt. Right then, right there, I’m thinking, “Damn, I got to start doing something right now. Everything has to change. Everybody I hang out with got to go.” |
| MANUEL | (shaking his head and sighing in deep agreement): The only thing that stops me from being a better dad is not being able to live with my daughter. I got to change that. |
| XEO: | I have chills right now. [JR: Why?] They’re in my head. They’re talking about what I’m going through, what I’m living through with my kids. |
A consensus emerged around the belief that responsible fatherhood necessitated a fundamental shift in how men spent their time, who they spent it with, and essentially how and why they were living. DADS helped men redefine fatherhood and fathers’ value to children in emotionally resonant ways that made sense given their social and economic constraints. By validating this multifaceted understanding of responsibility, namely the idea that “good providers” offer their unique love, care, and time, DADS gave men conceptual tools to make claims about their moral worth as responsible parents. This allowed men to understand and justify
