and had recently told me that she had been doing quite a bit of blow
I gave them the hard bits, and they gave some to me by asking if I could read all the letters she had left behind, tucked under a pillow
Letters saying goodbye to the people she loved; I didn’t receive a note.
I read all of them, but didn’t know what to say, there weren’t any extra clues
So I was left feeling even more helpless because even I didn’t know what to do
Suddenly, the drugs start kicking in; in the mess of everything I almost forgot that I had taken them
Luckily, I’m told I’m allowed to go home, and as I walk past her room I tell myself not to look in
But the door’s open and I do it anyway: there’s two boys on her floor trying to hack into her computer and her iPod
That was the hardest part of the night, that was when everything stopped
And for an instant that felt like an eternity I was sat in the reality that the girl I loved was gone without a trace
It felt like confronting death, only to find it didn’t have a face
There were no answers, no cure, no remedies
Only questions, anguish, memories
On the car ride back, my mom calls me asking where I am at
I can’t find the words, so I hand the phone off; I’m tripping bad
I don’t remember getting home, don’t remember speaking to my mom, don’t remember anything other than going straight to bed
And all of the fucked up scenarios running through my head
Seeing her face right in front of me, hearing her voice say she loved me, hearing myself say I couldn’t anymore
I wish I would have never opened that goddamn door
I wish I had never opened up my heart at all because this pain is the realest I have ever felt
This week has been a shit show, but this is the worst blow that’s been dealt
That memory, that moment,
“Do you know anything about the disappearance of Nikkita Dawning?”
Has been ingrained into my mind for the rest of my life
I will never be able to erase it, and trust me, I have tried
So I went to bed that night high as a kite, thinking about how the world is so damn unpredictable
That love can make you feel fucking despicable
So many times before she had made me feel like nothing, but I blamed myself now more than anyone else
She wasn’t in love with me, but we had been friends, I could have been there to help
If I hadn’t been so absent, so selfish, these last few months I would have been aware that she had felt like she needed to leave
Maybe I could have helped her find a way to stay, and for that I had to grieve
Because not only was she gone, for God only knows how long, but I also had to once again come to the realization that I wasn’t enough to keep her around
All I could do now was pray to a God that I didn’t believe in that she would someday be found.
Overdosing
[14 years old]
Trigger Warning: SUICIDE
I sat in my bedroom in the golden afternoon sun
Folding clothes, when I thought to myself, “I’m finally done”
It was an instantaneous decision, though one that had been long coming
Depression had put its hands on me long ago and it was what I was becoming
I had held on for so long to keep my ex-girlfriend from blaming herself
But she had run away, so the decision was left to myself
So I decided, tomorrow is the day I die.
I planned it all out in my head, how I would say good-bye
That Monday at school was one of the longest of my life
The thought of suicide had become rife
But it was real now, and oh so close,
After I got home from dance, I would lay down and overdose.
On the way to the studio, I stopped by the store to get gatorade and more pills
If what I had already wouldn’t kill me, these extra ones will.
That night, I took a bath and ripped open my skin, hopefully for the last time
I wrote my family notes trying to explain I felt this would be a victimless crime.
I was young, but I had already lost my life; I wasn’t really living
I only hoped that my Mom would be forgiving.
-
A car is outside
My best friend runs to my room
“Hey are you okay?”
I was no longer looking for someone to save me
I wasn’t happy now, I wouldn’t ever be
“I got your message.
I can stay if you need me.
You know I love you.”
-
Alone again I put my playlist on
Pull the pills out from my underwear drawer and I swallow every single one.
50 advil, 48 coricidin, 8 wellbutrin all down within a few minutes
And I laid down in my bed ready to be finished.
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I am F
