let fly with the sand in his eyes, twistin’ round in almost the same instant to bring my other fist off the ground with everthing I’d got behind her. It caught Baldy square in the chops and knocked him spinnin’, so he fetched up hard against the side of his wagon a dozen feet away. Whilst he was leaning there rubber-legged, shakin’ his head amidst the clatterin’ and clankin’ of all them pots and pans, I climbed back on my feet an’ bull-charged in, landin’ a couple solid rights and lefts to the body soon as I was close enough to do some damage.
They staggered him, but he was tough as old saddle leather and plenty game. After he’d managed to sidestep away from a kidney-punch, he come back underneath with a head-butt what brought twinklin’ lights to my eyes and made me drop my guard for almost half a second. Which give him all the time he needed to wrap them powerful arms around my body an’ trip me up.
The two of us went tumblin’ tail over teakettle through the dirt an’ sandspurs by the side of the road for what seemed a good five minutes or more, with him squeezin’ the air out from between my sore ribs whilst I gnawed on a ear and tried to get my fingers loose to where I could poke ’em in his eyes.
Each was tryin’ to get some advantage over the other without havin’ no success a-tall to speak of. I’d the edge in size, but ole Baldy was strong as a ox underneath them store-bought clothes. And it appeared like he’d done his share of no-holds rasslin’ here an’ there on top of it. Far as pure-out meanness went, I reckon we was pretty evenly matched.
Finally we just laid there, wrapped up in a death grip with the sweat pourin’ off both of us, a-huffin’ and a-gruntin’ like a couple ole boar hogs rootin’ through a cow pen. Prob’ly didn’t look nor smell too much different from them sorry critters neither about that time.
Baldy peered up from where I’d got him pinned underneath me, and his blue eyes seemed to crinkle just a little round the edges. Then he give my ribs one more good squeeze that like to made me holler out with pain in spite of myself.
“What about it, youngster?” he wheezed, grittin’ his teeth against the sharp twist I’d give his ear in reply. “You had enough yet? Or am I going to have to whip you some more?” He was grinnin’ when he said it, so I knew he figured we’d done fought to a draw.
“I ain’t too sure about the whippin’,” I answered, gaspin’ for breath my ownself between the words, “or leastways who’s got the worser of it so far. But I got to confess that rig of yours don’t appear half so funny as it did awhile back. Maybe if we was to let each other up I could take me another look, and reconsider my thinkin’.”
“Fair enough.” Baldy loosed his grip and we rolled apart. The two of us just laid there for several minutes, starin’ up at the sky and tryin’ to get our breathing back to normal. Then I pushed myself off the ground, swallowin’ a groan whilst I did it, and when I’d got to my feet I reached out a hand to help Baldy up as well.
He looked at me real suspicious before he took it. But I was only bein’ helpful. They’d been enough fightin’ and roughhouse today to last me at least another week. I weren’t of no mind to take up where I’d left off with this gent. Not over no outlandish tin pot an’ medicine-show rig, anyhow.
I stepped next to the wagon and leaned against one of them big wheels, restin’ myself and looking her over at the same time. Baldy walked over to pick up his hat and the celluloid collar what come loose during the fracas, before startin’ in to dust hisself off.
“I reckon,” I said after a minute, tryin’ to make my voice sound sincere and admirin’, “that when the sun hits her just right she do have a kind of a fetchin’ look about her. I mean, all that pretty bright paint with them shiny u-tensils an’ everthing …”
“Pretty!” Baldy spat on the ground, then strode to the front of the wagon where he fetched a canteen from under the seat and uncorked it. He took hisself a long, deep swig.
“Pretty hasn’t got a thing to do with it! In fact …” He wiped a hand across his lips and passed the canteen to me. “I believe this may be one of the ugliest contraptions ever put on this earth by God or man!”
I’d hoisted the canteen up, expecting to have myself a good-sized swallow of clear pure spring water. Only it wasn’t water inside there, nor anything even close. When that raw bayhead hit my gullet I commenced to gag an’ whoop like a man fit to die. I finally managed to choke about half of it down, whilst the rest burned a path up an’ out my nose like a red-hot poker.
Baldy appeared not to notice. But when I bent over an’ put my hands on my knees to catch a breath, I could see through the tears that he was lookin’ mighty pleased as he turned around to start fiddling with one of them near-side trace chains.
“… It so happens that what you see here,” he went on without lookin’ up, “was never intended to be a thing of beauty. But one of complete and utmost utility.” When he’d finished with the traces he stooped to fetch my hat from where he’d dropped it earlier, walkin’ back and handin’ it over while still not exactly meetin’ my eyes.
He kept on past me till he was able to take somethin’ from a rack at the side of the wagon. And when he turned around, danged if didn’t have in his hand this fancy wooden cane what he used to point out the features of his outfit as he explained about ’em — lookin’ ever bit the medicine show hawker I’d already suspicioned he was.
“These oversized wheels are especially designed for travel through the swamps and sand trails of the Florida wilderness.” Baldy was talkin’ now in a manner what give me the idea he’d already made this speech a time or two before. “Their weight also helps to lower the center of gravity when crossing deep streams. The vehicle’s bottom is caulked and water-tight, so that it becomes a very serviceable raft when occasion demands.”
He tapped his cane against the body of the wagon. “The interior contains my living quarters, including a small but comfortable bed and wood-burning stove, as well as a laboratory for the manufacture of Professor Maximilian’s Wondrous Serpentine Elixir, one of my principal stocks-in-trade.”
The little gent’s voice was gainin’ strength as he warmed to his subject, and he seemed to grow a mite taller an’ straighter too. Me, I just pushed my hat back on my head and let him spout. I figured he was bound to run out of steam sooner or later — more likely sooner, once he found out I hadn’t even got what it’d take to buy a piece of penny candy off’n him, much less no “Wondrous Elixir.”
Anyhow, he was kind of entertainin’.
“But I discovered long ago,” Baldy went on — or Perfessor Maximilian as I reckoned he called hisself — “that a merchant who offers only a single product, no matter how beneficial it may be for the public at large, is like a fiddler who can play nothing but ’Turkey in the Straw.’ The demand for his services wears thin after a very short time.
“—So I have expanded my inventory with household appliances and other useful items that are difficult to obtain on the frontier, until what you see before you now is a veritable itinerant emporium!” He reached up to run the tip of his cane amongst the rows of hangin’ doo-dads, making ’em fairly sing.
“Cast iron skillets and cook-pots, tin-ware, lanterns, washboards, ladles, brooms …” When he come to one of them cabinets next the driver’s box he flung open the doors and kept on without hardly drawin’ a breath. “… bolts of fine calico, needles, pins, scissors, coffee, sugar, salt, assorted canned goods, —and one of the finest selections of patent nostrums and objets de toilet to be found this side of Savannah!”
