or Bali, captivating but full of frightening frogs and monkeys, Jerusalem seemed full of stories she knew in her blood.
She also knew too well how easy it was to fail. She had seen, over and over again, how readily one could write an empty sentence, create characters who barely mumbled, tell a story no one wanted to hear. To write a book that was not Shakespeare or Joyce, was not rhythmic or engaging, was not gentle or angry or even honest. These things scared her.
Still books obsessed her, obsessed her for what they could be. She’d been a book addict all her life, always reading. She was a difficult reader, and knew that it was easier to criticize people who were trying than to actually write herself. Like a single aunt, other people and their books became her life. She would meditate on occasion, go to movies, see friends for dinner, but it was books that took over her days, all those characters, all those plots and theories and stories about everything from Elvis’s hairdresser’s memoirs to the Exxon Valdez. These stories became her life.
Along with Jake.
Jake was very opinionated. Sometimes she joked that his thinness was the result of his feeling that no food was good enough to enter his body. Jake, when people asked what he did, would reply that he was In Film. He meant that he worked in a place called Film Focus, a nearly Italian downtown theater, small and modern, dark and imposing, that saw the world as a series of film festivals organized largely by subject. All you could eat at the Focus was espresso with biscotti, almond or chocolate. White sugar was taboo.
Jake ran a series called Point of View. As he explained to Arlette many times, not everything was a point of view. His point of view specialty was drama.
Nature was the example he’d give. A documentary that you’d see on PBS on black bears in Montana was definitely not a point of view. Much else was, however, and many evenings, Arlette would watch the point of view Jake had chosen. In a way, their work was similar, though Jake did not agree. He believed that film transcended written language. That it was more, and better, that moving image was comparable to nothing else. That it was as close as you could come to the dream life really was.
Jake saw film as a real chance for audience. For very large numbers. Particularly because of videos and DVDs. Of course, Jake’s own tastes had nothing to do with audience. He liked experimental Czech films, sometimes animated, films that only showed at midnight during the week at the Focus. Films about puppets, and music, and death. He liked film noir, and had many favorite directors: Kurosawa, Scorsese, Coppola, Herzog, Bertolucci.
They argued about this often. They’d met at a Fellini retrospective at the Focus, three years before. Arlette had just broken up with a Palestinian revolutionary named Fuad. She felt relieved. Fuad always made her feel guilty, as though injustice was chiefly her fault.
Jake had recently ended a ten-year relationship with a Frenchwoman named Emilie. Emilie was also In Film. She wrote scripts, which Jake sometimes called post-Godardian. Emilie made a film once too, a film that Jake admired. She called it Breath. Jake had three copies. He referred to her film as a discourse.
Arlette knew he took his terms very seriously. In fact, Jake took everything seriously, more or less. He only wore black clothes. His hair was carefully short. He smoked black Gauloises, and whenever he wasn’t watching a movie, he was reading a book about movies. What was funny was that Arlette loved him. It was not a very rational love. It was just there between them, unwieldy and difficult and, occasionally, painfully sweet.
Sometimes though she felt love was not for her. She could read about it, and often did. She listened for hours to the details of friends’ lovers. But she rarely talked to anyone about herself and Jake. She’d had many lovers, and a few had been large and overwhelming, messy and difficult and so consuming it was hard to do much else. Those relationships had taken over all her life. They’d been almost like religion. And that’s not what she wanted.
With Jake, her life was intact. Jake had his own apartment. They each liked that. Neither one of them had to compromise. Arlette liked white towels. Jake liked black. Arlette liked mornings. Jake stayed up all night. On the nights they spent together, they took turns at where to sleep. They were together, but not so much that it got in anyone’s way. They were both 35. Each of them felt they knew, although admitting this was another matter, that their lives were more or less fixed. Arlette, for all her ideas and her notes, knew she’d probably never write her novel. She found this sentence impossible to say, so never did, even to Jake.
Jake often talked about his movie. He’d been writing a screenplay for years, and although he never gave it to her to read, Arlette knew he had something there, something more than beauty-parlor names and vague ideas about Jerusalem and love. This could have been why they stayed together, why their relationship persisted. Arlette, although she said often that she would like to travel again, something she’d done for years, knew how much she wanted to stay in one place. To sit still. To plant a flower garden, to raise a dog, to slowly read books of poems. To join a peace group, Fellowship of Reconciliation or Amnesty or Friends, and write letters to prisoners. To sit still and watch, after years of whirling around.
Her life, or so she imagined, was very different once. Then, she saw the world as possible, as interesting and large, a full, round circle, water and sunsets and warm, open people eating Greek meals and singing. She had wandered from place to place, working odd jobs and falling in love, all for what seemed like minutes at a time, only minutes. Now though, for reasons that weren’t all that easy to describe, she felt like a small dot in a very large blackness, babbling on. She couldn’t pinpoint this change, or the moment when things started to look different. She knew though that her days seemed incomplete, and she knew too that this feeling was not about to change. She could easily turn into one of those people she disdained. Someone had sent her a book proposal about this once, called The If Only Syndrome. If Only there was money, or time, or a place to work. She hadn’t worked on the book, but she’d sent a note back. If Only I Could, Then I Would. The author had replied to her rejection. This had happened only once before. But You Can, he’d said.
Ms. Rosen,
I have a high-concept idea that I’m sure is worth money, and what I need is some help fleshing it out. I’m sure you won’t need more explanation than the title: Firm: A Lawyer’s Exercise Guide. A lawyer myself, I know how much we sit. No other choice is available to us. And I know first hand how dangerous the consequences are, from the perspective of flesh. Even in court, it’s rare that we are actually standing. And there especially, we can’t move around very much. I propose developing a series of exercises created especially for lawyers. If this idea is as successful as I would imagine, then we can continue with specialized guides for virtually every profession. Lawyers buy books. I know that for a fact. And I can easily imagine FIRM on every shelf. Would you like to participate in this project, as a partner?
Yours,
John Thurow
Dear John Thurow,
What a commercial idea. I wish I could help you. I don’t know much about exercise, or law. I ought to though. Maybe your books will help me when they’re published. All Best
AR
3
meetings
Harbinger Singh met Arlette Rosen at three o’clock on a Wednesday afternoon. It was early July, too warm for his dark brown wool suit, but he liked the suit, liked the fact that the color nearly matched his skin. He liked it enough to wear as often as he could. He thought of himself as brownish, but in fact, he was more a deep golden yellow, the yellow of
