Some of it directly contradicts what we consciously believe, as well as much of our actual experience. But our bodies don’t care about logic, truth, or cognitive experience. They care about safety and survival. They care about responding to a perceived threat, even when that threat is not real. As a result, our bodies scare the hell out of each other.
There’s a way out of this mess, and it requires each of us to begin with our own body. You and your body are important parts of the solution. You will not just read this book; you will experience it in your body. Your body—all of our bodies—are where changing the status quo must begin.
When I begin working with new clients, one of the first things I do—before we start talking about any issues, family histories, or emotions—is help them ground themselves and orient themselves to the here and now. I work with them to slowly feel their way back into their bodies, and then to remember and reclaim them.
As you go through this book, you will remember and reclaim your own body as well. We’ll start with a set of activities that will help you learn to ground yourself and feel into your body—to notice when it is open, when it is constricted, and what causes it to open or constrict, activate or settle.
A few words of guidance before we begin: When (or immediately after) you do any of the activities in this book, it’s possible your body may have an unusual reaction. You might start shaking or tingling; you might laugh or cry, or burp or fart, or feel hot or cold. You may feel an impulse to move part of your body in a particular way. An image or thought might suddenly arise in your mind. An unexpected emotion might bubble up. All of these responses are normal. They don’t mean you’re weird or crazy. They may simply mean you have touched and released some energy that was stuck in your body. This is not only experientially healthy, but good for your body.
In the unlikely event your body reacts in some extreme way, stop the activity immediately. Take a few slow, deep breaths to help your body settle; then go on with the rest of your day. If that doesn’t help, and your body has an over-the-top reaction that is too strong to handle, seek out a trauma therapist who can help you move through the stuckness. (Again, this is extremely unlikely. Most of the time, your body won’t have any unusual reaction at all.)
—BODY PRACTICE—
Find a quiet, private spot. Plan to spend three to four minutes there, alone.
Sit comfortably. Take a few breaths.
Turn your head and slowly look around in all directions, especially behind you. Orient yourself in the surrounding space. If you’re indoors, notice the height of the ceiling, the height and color of each wall, any doors or windows, and any other details that stand out. If you are outside, take note of any boundaries, such as a footpath, a fence, the edge of a clearing, or the shore of a pond. Notice any plant or animal life nearby. Note what sounds you hear, any smells that fill the air, any warmth or coolness, and any colors that stand out.
When you are done scanning your environment, face forward once again and return your attention to your body. Sense how your feet rest on the ground and how your butt rests on the seat.
Now notice any other sensations in your body: the bend in your knees; your spine, straight or curved; a breeze in your hair; your belly and any tension you hold there; and your chest, expanding and shrinking with each breath.
Notice what your body experiences inside your clothing. Pay attention to where your body touches your underwear, your socks or stockings, your shirt or blouse, your pants or skirt or dress.
Starting at the top of your head, bring your attention slowly down through your body. Notice each sensation as your attention passes through it: warmth, coolness, relaxation, tightness, softness, pressure, energy, numbness.
Don’t skip or skim the healing and grounding exercises in this book—the ones with activities that help you remember your body or perform an action. When you reach each one, stop. Take a few slow breaths. Then, as you read that section, practice that activity in your body. If you’re not in a situation where this is possible, put the book down temporarily. Pick it up again when you have the opportunity to practice the activity.
I provide these body activities throughout this book. A few involve simply stopping and noticing. Most involve doing something more—sensing, imagining, moving, or activating your body in some other way.
If you’ve already skipped the previous activity, stop. Go back and complete it before reading further. Don’t keep reading and promise yourself you’ll do the activity later. That’s not how this book works. Before you read further, you need to experience the activity with your body.
Once you’ve completed that brief activity, continue with the one that follows.
—BODY PRACTICE—
Sit quietly and comfortably for a minute or two, breathing normally. Notice your breath as it enters your nose, your windpipe, your lungs. For thirty seconds, simply follow it as it goes in and out of your body.
Then bring your attention to the bottom of your feet. Sense the ground beneath them, supporting you. Stay focused here for a few breaths.
Move your attention to your back, to the sensation of it pressing lightly against the chair. Feel the chair supporting you, doing what it was designed to do.
Now think of a person or a pet or a place that makes you feel safe and secure. Imagine you’re with that person or pet, or in that safe place. Let yourself experience that safety and security for a few seconds.
Now check in with your body. Start with your shoulders. How do they feel? Relaxed or constricted? Closed or open?
What about your neck? Your jaw? Your major joints—your ankles, knees, hips, wrists, elbows, and shoulders? Your back? Your sphincter? Your toes?
Stay with the experience for a couple of breaths. Notice if anything arises or changes, such as a vibration, a sensation, an image, an emotion, an impulse, or a meaning.
Now imagine the comforting person, pet, or place is gone. Instead, there’s an angry stranger standing in front of you. The stranger’s arms are crossed and he or she is glaring at you silently.
You look into the stranger’s eyes, hoping his or her expression will soften, but it remains unchanged.
Check in with your body again. How do your shoulders feel? Your neck? Your jaw? Your back? Your sphincter? Your toes?
Gently, one by one, feel into all the places in your body where you sense constriction. Let your attention rest briefly in each one.
Now send the angry stranger away. Bring back the comforting person, place, or pet. For several breaths, relax in the safety this presence provides.
Now, gently, move your attention through your body, from your head to your toes, one more time. Feel into each spot where you sense softness. Stay with each of these for one to two seconds.
In a day or two, or as soon after that as you can, practice the following:
—BODY PRACTICE—
Find a quiet, comfortable place where you can be alone for a few minutes. Bring with you a piece of string
