had issues with everyone in our family. One of his issues with me was that I never let him pick the theme of his and Ryan’s birthday parties. He thought I should have known that this bothered him because he always said that he wished he had his own birthday and didn’t have to share it. He told me that I’m his mother, and I should have known what that meant. I had no idea that’s what he meant, and I felt so badly that this bothered him for all those years.
One of the most significant issues with his father was that Tim rarely attended Matt’s sports games or concerts because no alcohol was allowed. He felt like his father didn’t even know his name until he was old enough to sit on a barstool next to him.
After Matt was sent back to his classes, Katie and I spoke a few more minutes with his counselor. She said Matt would always have drug issues until mental health issues were addressed. She gave me a list of psychologists and psychiatrists in the area. She was going to get Matt extra time in the center until I was able to find him help. There were twenty or so names on the list. For days, I called and recalled every one. Some had an answering machine taking calls, and I never got a callback. Most were not accepting any new patients, and the rest did not accept Matt’s insurance.
Matt’s health insurance would only pay for a fourteen-day stay in rehab. The counselor got him an extra seven days while I tried to find a doctor. At the end of the twenty-one days, the counselor suggested that I pay out of pocket for additional days until I could find a doctor. It would be $65 per day—$65×7= $455 per week. About $910 for two weeks. This on top of the $1,500 co-pay I had already laid out. Like most average people, I could not afford this. I felt really bad, and I knew I was letting Matt down. He was discharged with no doctor. He desperately needed us, and we let him down.
Katie
Katie got married to a great guy in July of 2010. They had a beautiful beach-themed wedding and reception. Five months later, Katie gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I believe my grandsons were the only good thing in my life that kept me going.
Matt
About two months after getting out of rehab, Matt was showing signs of relapse. Tools, copper, money, and other things were once again coming up missing. After confronting Matt, he talked about taking his own life. He could not see any other permanent way out of a life of drugs.
I called back one of the doctors from the list from the rehab who did not accept Matt’s insurance. He agreed to meet Matt at the hospital. He got Matt into a two-week outpatient psychiatric program, where he was treated with antidepressants.
We decided to have Matt continue seeing the doctor at his private practice. The first available appointment was in a month and a half. He would see both a psychiatrist and a therapist. We would be paying $250 out of pocket per visit. He saw both doctors on his initial visit, but he would be alternating between the two for all visits after that. They wanted him to be seen every other week.
Just before Matt’s next visit, I got a phone call from the doctor’s office. They had to cancel his appointment because both doctors had left the practice. I couldn’t believe it. After a couple of pleading calls to the practice, they reluctantly gave us the new phone number of one of the doctors—the one whom he saw at the outpatient program. He wasn’t due to open his practice for another three months. We made Matt an appointment and hoped nothing would happen while waiting.
Ryan
As Ryan’s drug use continued to increase, he became paranoid and extremely angry. There were rumors going around that his fiancée was involved with other men. Ryan was miserable. He believed he had worms and other parasites throughout his body and that they were trying to eat his insides. He picked at his skin until there were holes. He was having frequent outbreaks of MRSA and staff infection. Once when I took him to the hospital for a severe MRSA outbreak, the doctor treated the infection and then told him to get help for his obvious drug abuse because getting off drugs would prevent further outbreaks.
We urged Ryan to get treatment for his drug abuse, but he didn’t think he had a problem. Rehab wouldn’t fix the only problems he thought he had: financial and relationship.
That Christmas was horrible for my grandson. His parents could only afford one gift for him even though they always had money for drugs. My family stepped up and gave the child the Christmas he deserved. It really disappointed me that they chose drugs over presents for their toddler.
Matt
Matt did see the psychiatrist when his office opened. The cost was $125 for the first thirty-minute visit and $85 for each visit after. He restarted Matt back on antidepressants and Suboxone. His road to recovery was very short-lived. It caused increased tension at home. Matt started staying at Ryan’s house. His on-again, off-again girlfriend started staying there too.
Ryan
Ryan and Matt and their partners were all living together. This was the worst-case scenario: four people with drug addiction living in the same house.
Ryan’s fiancée was the first to admit that it was a mistake and left. She also broke up with Ryan. He took it very hard. He became extremely depressed and was cutting himself. He cut her name into his arm. Ryan came to me crying one day. He curled up on the sofa, put his head on my lap, and cried like a baby for hours. He finally admitted that he had a drug problem and was in a ton of debt. He told me how deeply his ex-fiancée had hurt him. He said he knew she had cheated on him. I wanted to call 911 to get him treatment that night. Ryan refused. He said he knew he would have to claim to be suicidal to get immediate help. He was not suicidal. He just wanted to be loved—he wanted to live. He agreed to let me take him to GBMC Greater Baltimore Medical Center the next morning for a psychiatric and drug evaluation in the hopes of them getting him into Sheppard Pratt for a dual treatment.
The next morning, Ryan was ready to go. They kept him under observation for a few hours before discharging him. They asked him several times if he was suicidal. His answer was always the same, “No, I am very depressed, I have a drug problem, and I just want to be happy.” At discharge, they gave him a list of doctors whom he could go to for help. It was a lot of the same names that we had gotten for Matt at Hope House. It was a total letdown. That night, Ryan shot heroin for the first time.
The next few years went from bad to worse. Now that Ryan was also using heroin, the boys were feeding off each other’s addictions. They both had several attempts at in- and out-patient treatment but never at the same time. They each also spent a few short weekends in jail. Nothing seemed to work getting and keeping them clean. Katie and I continued to try to stay one step ahead of them. As it turned out, however, they were always one step ahead of us. Matt attempted suicide two more times. One of the times, he was hospitalized for a short period.
More money, jewelry, electronics, and tools went missing. I went to a few of the pawnshops in the area. I didn’t go to buy everything back. I went to vent my frustration as to how these shops were enabling addicts. I accused them of being addicts’ best friends. The only thing I accomplished was to get myself banned from two of the shops. My addict sons were welcome back any time.
One time, my car was traded for a weekend of free drugs. The car was returned late Sunday afternoon. There were several receipts from fast-food places, gas stations, and convenient stores down the I-95 corridor to Norfolk, Virginia. I was told this was how the dealers allegedly brought drugs back to the area to sell.
We found three bullet holes in one of the family vehicles. Supposedly,
