projectiles by that of the members of the Gun Club, he found that each one of them had killed, on his own account, an average of two thousand three hundred and seventy-five men and a fraction.
By considering such a result it will be seen that the single preoccupation of this learned society was the destruction of humanity philanthropically, and the perfecting of firearms considered as instruments of civilisation. It was a company of Exterminating Angels, at bottom the best fellows in the world.
It must be added that these Yankees, brave as they have ever proved themselves, did not confine themselves to formulae, but sacrificed themselves to their theories. Amongst them might be counted officers of every rank, those who had just made their _début_ in the profession of arms, and those who had grown old on their gun-carriage. Many whose names figured in the book of honour of the Gun Club remained on the field of battle, and of those who came back the greater part bore marks of their indisputable valour. Crutches, wooden legs, articulated arms, hands with hooks, gutta-percha jaws, silver craniums, platinum noses, nothing was wanting to the collection; and the above-mentioned Pitcairn likewise calculated that in the Gun Club there was not quite one arm amongst every four persons, and only two legs amongst six.
But these valiant artillerymen paid little heed to such small matters, and felt justly proud when the report of a battle stated the number of victims at tenfold the quantity of projectiles expended.
One day, however, a sad and lamentable day, peace was signed by the survivors of the war, the noise of firing gradually ceased, the mortars were silent, the howitzers were muzzled for long enough, and the cannon, with muzzles depressed, were stored in the arsenals, the shots were piled up in the parks, the bloody reminiscences were effaced, cotton shrubs grew magnificently on the well-manured fields, mourning garments began to be wornout, as well as sorrow, and the Gun Club had nothing whatever to do.
Certain old hands, inveterate workers, still went on with their calculations in ballistics; they still imagined gigantic bombs and unparalleled howitzers. But what was the use of vain theories that could not be put in practice? So the saloons were deserted, the servants slept in the antechambers, the newspapers grew mouldy on the tables, from dark corners issued sad snores, and the members of the Gun Club, formerly so noisy, now reduced to silence by the disastrous peace, slept the sleep of Platonic artillery!
“This is distressing,” said brave Tom Hunter, whilst his wooden legs were carbonising at the fireplace of the smoking-room. “Nothing to do! Nothing to look forward to! What a tiresome existence! Where is the time when cannon awoke you every morning with its joyful reports?”
“That time is over,” answered dandy Bilsby, trying to stretch the arms he had lost. “There was some fun then! You invented an howitzer, and it was hardly cast before you ran to try it on the enemy; then you went back to the camp with an encouragement from Sherman, or a shake of the hands from MacClellan! But now the generals have gone back to their counters, and instead of cannonballs they expedite inoffensive cotton bales! Ah, by Saint Barb! the future of artillery is lost to America!”
“Yes, Bilsby,” cried Colonel Blomsberry, “it is too bad! One fine morning you leave your tranquil occupations, you are drilled in the use of arms, you leave Baltimore for the battlefield, you conduct yourself like a hero, and in two years, three years at the latest, you are obliged to leave the fruit of so many fatigues, to go to sleep in deplorable idleness, and keep your hands in your pockets.”
The valiant colonel would have found it very difficult to give such a proof of his want of occupation, though it was not the pockets that were wanting.
“And no war in prospect, then,” said the famous J.T. Maston, scratching his gutta-percha cranium with his steel hook; “there is not a cloud on the horizon now that there is so much to do in the science of artillery! I myself finished this very morning a diagram with plan, basin, and elevation of a mortar destined to change the laws of warfare!”
“Indeed!” replied Tom Hunter, thinking involuntarily of the Honourable J.T. Maston’s last essay.
“Indeed!” answered Maston. “But what is the use of the good results of such studies and so many difficulties conquered? It is mere waste of time. The people of the New World seem determined to live in peace, and our bellicose Tribune has gone as far as to predict approaching catastrophes due to the scandalous increase of population!”
“Yet, Maston,” said Colonel Blomsberry, “they are always fighting in Europe to maintain the principle of nationalities!”
“What of that?”
“Why, there might be something to do over there, and if they accepted our services—”
“What are you thinking of?” cried Bilsby. “Work at ballistics for the benefit of foreigners!”
“Perhaps that would be better than not doing it at all,” answered the colonel.
“Doubtless,” said J.T. Maston, “it would be better, but such an expedient cannot be thought of.”
“Why so?” asked the colonel.
“Because their ideas of advancement would be contrary to all our American customs. Those folks seem to think that you cannot be a general-in-chief without having served as second lieutenant, which comes to the same as saying that no one can point a gun that has not cast one. Now that is simply—”
“Absurd!” replied Tom Hunter, whittling the arms of his chair with his bowie-knife; “and as things are so, there is nothing left for us but to plant tobacco or distil whale-oil!”
“What!” shouted J.T. Maston, “shall we not employ these last years of our existence in perfecting firearms? Will not a fresh opportunity present itself to try the ranges of our projectiles? Will the atmosphere be no longer illuminated by the lightning of our cannons? Won’t some international difficulty crop up that will allow us to declare war against some transatlantic power? Won’t France run down one of our steamers, or won’t England, in defiance of the rights of nations, hang up three or four of our countrymen?”
“No, Maston,” answered Colonel Blomsberry; “no such luck! No, not one of those incidents will happen; and if one did, it would be of no use to us. American sensitiveness is declining daily, and we are going to the dogs!”
“Yes, we are growing quite humble,” replied Bilsby.
“And we are humiliated!” answered Tom Hunter.
“All that is only too true,” replied J.T. Maston, with fresh vehemence. “There are a thousand reasons for fighting floating about, and still we don’t fight! We economise legs and arms, and that to the profit of folks that don’t know what to do with them. Look here, without looking any farther for a motive for war, did not North America formerly belong to the English?”
“Doubtless,” answered Tom Hunter, angrily poking the fire with the end of his crutch.
“Well,” replied J.T. Maston, “why should not England in its turn belong to the Americans?”
“It would be but justice,” answered Colonel Blomsberry.
“Go and propose that to the President of the United States,” cried J.T. Maston, “and see what sort of a reception you would get.”
“It would not be a bad reception,” murmured Bilsby between the four teeth he had saved from battle.
“I’faith,” cried J.T. Maston, “they
