href="#ulink_b020ce07-cb53-5491-b2a9-2a5479e98753">Table of Contents
See Choices.
AMBITION
Every normal man has two great ambitions. First, to own his home. Second, to own a car to get away from his home.
Ambition makes the same mistake concerning power that avarice makes concerning wealth. She begins by accumulating power as a means to happiness, and she finishes by continuing to accumulate it as an end.—Colton.
To wish is of little account; to succeed thou must earnestly desire; and this desire must shorten thy sleep.—Ovid.
The noblest spirit is most strongly attracted by the love of glory.—Cicero.
When once ambition has passed its natural limits, its progress is boundless.—Seneca.
AMERICANS
A French magazine claims to have discovered in a New York paper an advertisement to this effect: "A gentleman who has lost his right leg is desirous of making the acquaintance of some one who has lost his left leg, in order to become associated with him in the purchase of boots and shoes, size 8." The very observant French editor very politely comments: "An American may occasionally lose a leg, but he never loses his head."
"That's the Goddess of Liberty," explained the New Yorker. "Fine attitude, eh?"
"Yes, and typically American," replied the Western visitor. "Hanging to a strap."
"William," asked the teacher of a rosy-faced lad, "can you tell me who George Washington was?"
"Yes, ma'am," was the quick reply. "He was an American gen'ral."
"Quite right," replied the teacher. "And can you tell us what George Washington was remarkable for?"
"Yes, ma'am," replied the little boy. "He was remarkable because he was an American and told the truth."
A party of tourists were looking at Vesuvius in full eruption. "Ain't this just like hell!" exclaimed an American. "Ah, the Americans," said a Frenchman standing by, "Where have they not been?"
AMUSEMENTS
It was a sweet, sad play, and there was hardly a dry handkerchief in the house. But one man in the first balcony irritated his neighbors excessively by refusing to take the performance in the proper spirit. Instead of weeping, he laughed. While others were mopping their eyes and endeavoring to stifle their sobs, his face beamed with merriment and he burst into inappropriate guffaws.
At last a lady by his side turned upon him indignantly.
"I d-don't know what brought y-you here," she sobbed, with streaming eyes, and pressing her hand against her aching heart; "but if y-you don't like the p-play you might l-let other p-people enjoy it!"
ANCESTRY
HAMPTON—"Dinwiddow told me his family is a very old one. They were one of the first to come across."
RHODES—"The grocer told me yesterday that now they are the last to come across."—Judge.
"Pa, what are ancestors?"
"Well, my son, I'm one of yours. Your grandpa is another."
"Oh! Then why is it people brag about them?"
HE—"My ancestors came over in the Mayflower."
SHE—"It's lucky they did; the immigration laws are a little stricter now."
ANIMALS
It was Robert's first visit to the Zoo.
"What do you think of the animals?" inquired Uncle Ben.
After a critical inspection of the exhibit the boy replied: "I think the kangaroo and the elephant should change tails."
ANTICIPATION
"Mr. Blinks," said she, "do you think that anticipation is greater than realization?"
"Well," replied Mr. Blinks, "anticipation is broader and higher, but realization is longer and flatter."
ANTIQUES
"Gee, whiz! Isn't that Smithson who just went by in his automobile? When I knew him a few years ago he had a junk-shop."
"He still has. Only he moved in to a fashionable street and labeled the same stock 'Antiques.'"
CUSTOMER—"What! Five hundred dollars for that antique? Why, I priced it last week and you said three hundred and fifty."
DEALER—"Yes, I know; but the cost of labor and materials has gone up so!"
AD WRITER—"When do you want me to prepare that copy for the sale of antiques you have been planning?"
BOSS—"We'll have to hold back on those awhile. The wormhole borers are on strike in Grand Rapids."
APARTMENTS
MR. LONGSUFFER—"Say, janitor, it's down to zero in my flat."
JANITOR—"Down to zero, is it? That's nothing."
Necessarily So
"I wonder if they take children in these apartments."
"They must. Some of the rooms aren't big enough for a grown person."
"How do the Joneses seem to like their little two-room kitchenette apartment?"
