“Hold your tongue!”
And the extra gentleman (for one was quite enough under the bed) the extra gentleman squeezed Ivan Andreyitch’s hand in his fist so that the latter almost shrieked with pain.
“My dear sir….”
“Sh!”
“Then don’t pinch me so, or I shall scream.”
“All right, scream away, try it on.”
Ivan Andreyitch flushed with shame. The unknown gentleman was sulky and ill-humoured. Perhaps it was a man who had suffered more than once from the persecutions of fate, and had more than once been in a tight place; but Ivan Andreyitch was a novice and could not breathe in his constricted position. The blood rushed to his head. However, there was no help for it; he had to lie on his face. Ivan Andreyitch submitted and was silent.
“I have been to see Pavel Ivanitch, my love,” began the husband. “We sat down to a game of preference. Khee-khee-khee!” (he had a fit of coughing). “Yes … khee! So my back … khee! Bother it … khee-khee-khee!”
And the old gentleman became engrossed in his cough.
“My back,” he brought out at last with tears in his eyes, “my spine began to ache…. A damned hæmorrhoid, I can’t stand nor sit … or sit. Akkhee-khee-khee!”…
And it seemed as though the cough that followed was destined to last longer than the old gentleman in possession of it. The old gentleman grumbled something in its intervals, but it was utterly impossible to make out a word.
“Dear sir, for goodness’ sake, move a little,” whispered the unhappy Ivan Andreyitch.
“How can I? There’s no room.”
“But you must admit that it is impossible for me. It is the first time that I have found myself in such a nasty position.”
“And I in such unpleasant society.”
“But, young man!…”
“Hold your tongue!”
“Hold my tongue? You are very uncivil, young man…. If I am not mistaken, you are very young; I am your senior.”
“Hold your tongue!”
“My dear sir! You are forgetting yourself. You don’t know to whom you are talking!”
“To a gentleman lying under the bed.”
“But I was taken by surprise … a mistake, while in your case, if I am not mistaken, immorality….”
“That’s where you are mistaken.”
“My dear sir! I am older than you, I tell you….”
“Sir, we are in the same boat, you know. I beg you not to take hold of my face!”
“Sir, I can’t tell one thing from another. Excuse me, but I have no room.”
“You shouldn’t be so fat!”
“Heavens! I have never been in such a degrading position.”
“Yes, one couldn’t be brought more low.”
“Sir, sir! I don’t know who you are, I don’t understand how this came about; but I am here by mistake; I am not what you think….”
“I shouldn’t think about you at all if you didn’t shove. But hold your tongue, do!”
“Sir, if you don’t move a little I shall have a stroke; you will have to answer for my death, I assure you…. I am a respectable man, I am the father of a family. I really cannot be in such a position!…”
“You thrust yourself into the position. Come, move a little! I’ve made room for you, I can’t do more!”
“Noble young man! Dear sir! I see I was mistaken about you,” said Ivan Andreyitch, in a transport of gratitude for the space allowed him, and stretching out his cramped limbs. “I understand your constricted condition, but there’s no help for it. I see you think ill of me. Allow me to redeem my reputation in your eyes, allow me to tell you who I am. I have come here against my will, I assure you; I am not here with the object you imagine…. I am in a terrible fright.”
“Oh, do shut up! Understand that if we are overheard it will be the worse for us. Sh!… He is talking.”
The old gentleman’s cough did, in fact, seem to be over.
“I tell you what, my love,” he wheezed in the most lachrymose chant, “I tell you what, my love … khee-khee! Oh, what an affliction! Fedosey Ivanovitch said to me: ‘You should try drinking yarrow tea,’ he said to me; do you hear, my love?”
“Yes, dear.”
“Yes, that was what he said, ‘You should try drinking yarrow tea,’ he said. I told him I had put on leeches. But he said, ‘No, Alexandr Demyanovitch, yarrow tea is better, it’s a laxative, I tell you’ … Khee-khee. Oh, dear! What do you think, my love? Khee! Oh, my God! Khee-khee! Had I better try yarrow tea?… Khee-khee-khee! Oh … Khee!” and so on.
“I think it would be just as well to try that remedy,” said his wife.
“Yes, it would be! ‘You may be in consumption,” he said. “Khee-khee! And I told him it was gout and irritability of the stomach … Khee-khee! But he would have it that it might be consumption. What do you think … khee-khee! What do you think, my love; is it consumption?”
“My goodness, what are you talking about?”
“Why, consumption! You had better undress and go to bed now, my love … khee-khee! I’ve caught a cold in my head to-day.”
“Ouf!” said Ivan Andreyitch. “For God’s sake, do move a little.”
“I really don’t know what is the matter with you; can’t you lie still?…”
“You are exasperated against me, young man, you want to wound me, I see that. You are, I suppose, this lady’s lover?”
“Shut up!”
“I will not shut up! I won’t allow you to order me about! You are, no doubt, her lover. If we are discovered I am not to blame in any way; I know nothing about it.”
“If you don’t hold your tongue,” said the young man, grinding his teeth, “I will say that you brought me here. I’ll say that you are my uncle who has dissipated his fortune. Then they won’t imagine I am this lady’s lover, anyway.”
“Sir, you are amusing yourself at my expense. You are exhausting my patience.”
“Hush, or I will make you hush! You are a curse to me. Come, tell me what you are here for? If you were not here I could lie here somehow till morning, and then get away.”
“But I can’t lie
