to give a dinner, he found a difficulty arise, not usually experienced on such occasions — there was no one upon whom to bestow it. He had the best of wine; kept an excellent table; was himself no niggard host; but his own merits, and those of his cuisine, were forgotten in the invariable pendant to the feast; and the best of wine lost its flavor when the last bottle found its way to the guest’s head. Dine alone Sir Piers would not. And as his old friends forsook him, he plunged lower in his search of society; collecting within his house a class of persons whom no one would have expected to meet at the hall, nor even its owner have chosen for his companions, had any choice remained to him. He did not endure this state of things without much outward show of discontent. “Anything for a quiet life,” was his constant saying; and, like the generality of people with whom those words form a favorite maxim, he led the most uneasy life imaginable. Endurance, to excite commiseration, must be uncomplaining — an axiom the aggrieved of the gentle sex should remember. Sir Piers endured, but he grumbled lustily, and was on all hands voted a bore; domestic grievances, especially if the husband be the plaintiff, being the most intolerable of all mentionable miseries. No wonder that his friends deserted him; still there was Titus Tyrconnel; his ears and lips were ever open to pathos and to punch; so Titus kept his station. Immediately after her husband’s demise, it had been Lady Rookwood’s intention to clear the house of all the “vermin,” so she expressed herself, that had so long infested it; and forcibly to eject Titus, and one or two other intruders of the same class. But in consequence of certain hints received from Mr. Coates, who represented the absolute necessity of complying with Sir Piers’s testamentary instructions, which were particular in that respect, she thought proper to defer her intentions until after the ceremonial of interment should be completed, and, in the mean time, strange to say, committed its arrangement to Titus Tyrconnel; who, ever ready to accommodate, accepted, nothing loth, the charge, and acquitted himself admirably well in his undertaking: especially, as he said, “in the aiting and drinking department — the most essential part of it all.” He kept open house — open dining-room — open cellar; resolved that his patron’s funeral should emulate as much as possible an Irish burial on a grand scale, “the finest sight,” in his opinion, “in the whole world.”
Inflated with the importance of his office, inflamed with heat, sat Titus, like a “robustious periwig-pated” alderman after a civic feast. The natural rubicundity of his countenance was darkened to a deep purple tint, like that of a full-blown peony, while his ludicrous dignity was augmented by a shining suit of sables, in which his portly person was invested.
The first magnum had been discussed in solemn silence; the cloud, however, which hung over the conclave, disappeared under the genial influence of “another and a better” bottle, and gave place to a denser vapor, occasioned by the introduction of the pipe and its accompaniments.
Ensconced in a comfortable old chair — it is not every old chair that is comfortable — with pipe in mouth, and in full unbuttoned ease, his bushy cauliflower wig laid aside, by reason of the heat, reposed Dr. Small. Small, indeed, was somewhat of a misnomer, as applied to the worthy doctor, who, besides being no diminutive specimen of his kind, entertained no insignificant opinion of himself. His height was certainly not remarkable; but his width of shoulder — his sesquipedality of stomach — and obesity of calf — these were unique! Of his origin we know nothing; but presume he must, in some way or other, have been connected with the numerous family of “the Smalls,” who, according to Christopher North, form the predominant portion of mankind. In appearance, the doctor was short-necked and puffy, with a sodden, pasty face, wherein were set eyes whose obliquity of vision was, in some measure, redeemed by their expression of humor. He was accounted a man of parts and erudition, and had obtained high honors at his university. Rigidly orthodox, he abominated the very names of Papists and Jacobites, amongst which heretical herd he classed his companion, Mr. Titus Tyrconnel — Ireland being with him synonymous with superstition and Catholicism — and every Irishman rebellious and schismatical. On this head he was inclined to be disputatious. His prejudices did not prevent him from passing the claret, nor from laughing, as heartily as a plethoric asthma and sense of the decorum due to the occasion would permit, at the quips and quirks of the Irishman, who, he admitted, notwithstanding his heresies, was a pleasant fellow in the main. And when, in addition to the flattery, a pipe had been insinuated by the officious Titus, at the precise moment that Small yearned for his afternoon’s solace, yet scrupled to ask for it; when the door had been made fast, and the first whiff exhaled, all his misgivings vanished, and he surrendered himself to the soft seduction. In this Elysian state we find him.
“Ah! you may say that, Dr. Small,” said Titus, in answer to some observation of the vicar, “that’s a most original apothegm. We all of us hould our lives by a thrid. Och! many’s the sudden finale I have seen. Many’s the fine fellow’s heels tripped up unawares, when least expected. Death hangs over our heads by a single hair, as your reverence says, precisely like the sword of Dan Maclise,6 the flatterer of Dinnish what-do-you-call-him, ready to fall at a moment’s notice, or no notice at all — eh? — Mr. Coates. And that brings me back again to Sir Piers — poor gentleman — ah! we sha’n’t soon see the like of him again!”
“Poor Sir Piers!” said Mr. Coates, a small man, in a scratch wig, with a face red and round as an apple, and almost as diminutive. “It is to be regretted that his over-conviviality should so much have hastened his lamented demise.”
“Conviviality!” replied Titus; “no such thing — it was apoplexy — extravasation of sarum.”
“Extra vase-ation of rum and water, you mean,” replied Coates, who, like all his tribe, rejoiced in a quibble.
“The squire’s ailment,” continued Titus, “was a sanguineous effusion, as we call it — positive determination of blood to the head, occasioned by a low way he got into, just before his attack — a confirmed case of hypochondriasis, as that ould book Sir Piers was so fond of terms the blue devils. He neglected the bottle, which, in a man who has been a hard drinker all his life, is a bad sign. The lowering system never answers — never. Doctor, I’ll just trouble you”— for Small, in a fit of absence, had omitted to pass the bottle, though not to help himself. “Had he stuck to this”— holding up a glass, ruby bright —“the elixir vitæ— the grand panacea — he might have been hale and hearty at this present moment, and as well as any of us. But he wouldn’t be advised. To my thinking, as that was the case, he’d have been all the better for a little of your reverence’s sperretual advice; and his conscience having been relieved by confession and absolution, he might have opened a fresh account with an aisy heart and clane breast.”
“I trust, sir,” said Small, gravely withdrawing his pipe from his lips, “that Sir Piers Rookwood addressed himself to a higher source than a sinning creature of clay like himself for remission of his sins; but, if there was any load of secret guilt that might have weighed heavy upon his conscience, it is to be regretted that he refused the last offices of the church, and died incommunicate. I was denied all admittance to his chamber.”
“Exactly my case,” said Mr. Coates, pettishly. “I was refused entrance, though my business was of the utmost importance — certain dispositions — special bequests — matter connected with his sister — for though the estate is entailed, yet still there are charges — you understand me — very strange to refuse to see me. Some people may regret it — may live to regret it, I say — that’s all. I’ve just sent up a package to Lady Rookwood, which was not to be delivered till after Sir Piers’s death. Odd circumstance that — been in my custody a long while — some reason to think Sir Piers meant to alter his will — ought to have seen me— sad neglect!”
“More’s the pity. But it was none of poor Sir Piers’s doing!” replied Titus; “he had no will of his own, poor fellow, during his life, and the devil a will was he likely to have after his death. It was all Lady Rookwood’s doing,” added he, in a whisper. “I, his medical adviser and
