the firm proved themselves the basest of ingrates. The little account about which we quarrelled and finally parted, cannot, in any item, be thought overcharged, by gentlemen really conversant with the nature of the business. Upon this point, however, I feel a degree of proud satisfaction in permitting the reader to judge for himself. My bill ran thus:
| Messrs. Cut and Comeagain, Merchant Tailors. | ||
| To Peter Proffit, Walking Advertiser, | Drs. | |
| July 10. | To promenade, as usual, and customer brought home, | $00 25 |
| July 11. | To do do do | 25 |
| July 12. | To one lie, second class; damaged black cloth sold for invisible green, | 25 |
| July 13. | To one lie, first class, extra quality and size; recommending milled sattinet as broadcloth, | 75 |
| July 20. | To purchasing bran new paper shirt collar or dickey, to set off gray Petersham, | 2 |
| Aug. 15. | To wearing double-padded bobtail frock, (thermometer 706 in the shade,) | 25 |
| Aug. 16. | Standing on one leg three hours, to show off new-style strapped pants at 12 ½ cents per leg per hour, | 37 ½ |
| Aug. 17. | To promenade, as usual, and large customer brought home (fat man,) | 50 |
| Aug. 18. | To do do (medium size,) | 25 |
| Aug. 19. | To do do (small man and bad pay,) | 6 |
| ——— | ||
| $2 96 ½ | ||
The item chiefly disputed in this bill was the very moderate charge of two pennies for the dickey. Upon my word of honor, this was not an unreasonable price for that dickey. It was one of the cleanest and prettiest little dickeys I ever saw; and I have good reason to believe that it effected the sale of three Petershams. The elder partner of the firm, however, would allow me only one penny of the charge, and took it upon himself to show in what manner four of the same sized conveniences could be got out of a sheet of foolscap. But it is needless to say that I stood upon the principle of the thing. Business is business, and should be done in a business way. There was no system whatever in swindling me out of a penny—a clear fraud of fifty per cent.—no method in any respect. I left at once the employment of Messrs. Cut and Comeagain, and set up in the Eye-Sore line by myself—one of the most lucrative, respectable and independent of the ordinary occupations.
My strict integrity, economy, and rigorous business habits, here again came into play. I found myself driving a flourishing trade, and soon became a marked man upon ‘Change.’ The truth is, I never dabbled in flashy matters, but jogged on in the good old sober routine of the calling—a calling in which I should, no doubt, ·486· have remained to the present hour, but for a little accident which happened to me in the prosecution of one of the usual business operations of the profession. Whenever a rich old hunks, or prodigal heir, or bankrupt corporation, gets into the notion of putting up a palace, there is no such thing in the world as stopping either of them, and this every intelligent person knows. The fact in question is indeed the basis of the Eye-Sore trade. As soon, therefore, as a building project is fairly afoot by one of these parties, we merchants secure a nice corner of the lot in contemplation, or a prime little situation just adjoining or right in front. This done, we wait until the palace is half-way up, and then we pay some tasty architect to run us up an ornamental mud hovel, right against it; or a Down-East or Dutch Pagoda, or a pig-sty, or an ingenious little bit of fancy work, either Esquimau, Kickapoo, or Hottentot. Of course, we can’t afford to take these structures down under a bonus of five hundred per cent. upon the prime cost of our lot and plaster. Can we? I ask the question. I ask it of business men. It would be irrational to suppose that we can. And yet there was a rascally corporation which asked me to do this very thing—this very thing! I did not reply to their absurd proposition, of course; but I felt it a duty to go that same night, and lamp-black the whole of their palace. For this, the unreasonable villains clapped me into jail; and the gentlemen of the Eye-Sore trade could not well avoid cutting my connection when I came out.
The Assault and Battery business, into which I was now forced to adventure for a livelihood, was somewhat ill-adapted to the delicate nature of my constitution; but I went to work in it with a good heart, and found my account, here as heretofore, in those stern habits of methodical accuracy which had been thumped into me by that delightful old nurse—I would indeed be the basest of men not to remember her well in my will. By observing, as I say, the strictest system in all my dealings, and keeping a well-regulated set of books, I was enabled to get over many serious difficulties, and, in the end, to establish myself very decently in the profession. The truth is, that few individuals, in any line, did a snugger little ·487· business than I. I will just copy a page or so out of my Day-Book; and this will save me the necessity of blowing my own trumpet—a contemptible practice, of which no high-minded man will be guilty. Now, the Day-Book is a thing that don’t lie.
“Jan. 1.—New Year’s day. Met Snap in the street, groggy. Mem—he’ll do. Met Gruff shortly afterwards, blind drunk. Mem—he’ll answer too. Entered both gentlemen in my Ledger, and opened a running account with each.
“Jan. [C°: “Jan] 2.—Saw Snap at the Exchange, and went up and trod on his toe. Doubled his fist and knocked me down. Good!—got up again. Some trifling difficulty with Bag, my attorney. I want the damages at a thousand, but he says that, for so simple a knock-down, we can’t lay them at more than five hundred. Mem—must get rid of Bag—no system at all.
“Jan. 3.—Went to the theatre, to look for Gruff. Saw him sitting in a side box, in the second tier, between a fat lady and a lean one. Quizzed the whole party through an opera-glass, till I saw the fat lady blush and whisper to G. Went round, then, into the box, and put my nose within reach of his hand. Wouldn’t pull it—no go. Blew it, and tried again—no go. Sat down then, and winked at the lean lady, when I had the high satisfaction of finding him lift me up by the nape of the neck, and fling me over into the pit. Neck dislocated, and right leg capitally splintered. Went home in high glee, drank a bottle of champagne, and booked the young man for five thousand. Bag says it’ll do.
“Feb. 15.—Compromised the case of Mr. Snap. Amount entered in Journal—fifty cents—which see.
“Feb. 16.—Cast by that villain, Gruff, who made me a present of five dollars. Cost [C,E: Costs] of suit, four dollars and twenty-five cents. Nett profit—see Journal—seventy-five cents.”
Now, here is a clear gain, in a very brief period, of no less than one dollar and twenty five cents—this is in the mere cases of Snap and Gruff; and I solemnly assure the reader that these extracts are taken at random from my Day-Book.
·488· It’s an old saying, and a true one,
