replied I, "it is your own luggage; every one must carry his own."
"Well, I never felt my spangled dress so heavy before. Where are we going?"
"Only a little way," replied Timothy, "and then you will have nothing more to do."
"I don't know that. When master puts on that dress, I have to swallow little things till I'm sick."
"It's all good for your health, Num."
"I'm very well, I thank'e," replied the poor fellow; "but I'm very hot and very tired."
Chapter XV
In which Timothy makes a grand speech, quite as true as those delivered from the hustings—Melchior, like the candidate, states his pretentions for public favour, and the public, as usual, swallow the bait.
Fortunately for poor Num, we were not far from the market town at which we intended to open our campaign, which we did the next morning by Num and Timothy sallying forth, the former with a large trumpet in his hand, and the latter riding on a donkey. On their arrival at the market-place, Num commenced blowing it with all his might, while Timothy, in his spangled dress, as soon as they had collected a crowd, stood upon his saddle, and harangued the people as follows:—
"Gentlemen and ladies—I have the honour to announce to you the arrival in this town of the celebrated Doctor Appallacheosmocommetico, who has travelled farther than the sun and faster than a comet. He hath visited every part of the globe. He has smoked the calumet with the Indians of North America—he has hunted with the Araucas in the South—galloped on wild horses over the plains of Mexico, and rubbed noses with the Esquimaux. He hath used the chopsticks with the Chinese, swung the Cherok pooga with the Hindoos, and put a new nose on the Great Cham of Tartary. He hath visited and been received in every court of Europe: danced on the ice of the Neva with the Russians—led the mazurka with the Poles—waltzed with the Germans—tarantulaed with the Italians—fandangoed with the Spanish—and quadrilled with the French. He hath explored every mine in the universe, walked through every town on the continent, examined every mountain in the world, ascended Mont Blanc, walked down the Andes, and run up the Pyrenees. He has been into every volcano in the globe, and descending by Vesuvius has been thrown up by Stromboli. He has lived more than a thousand years, and is still in the flower of his youth. He has had one hundred and forty sets of teeth one after another, and expects a new set next Christmas. His whole life has been spent in the service of mankind, and in doing good to his fellow-creatures; and having the experience of more than a thousand years, he cures more than a thousand diseases. Gentlemen, the wonderful doctor will present himself before you this evening, and will then tell you what his remedies are good for, so that you may pick and choose according to your several complaints. Ladies, the wonderful doctor can greatly assist you: he has secrets by which you may have a family if you should so wish—philters to make husbands constant, and salve to make them blind—cosmetics to remove pimples and restore to youth and beauty, and powders to keep children from squalling. Sound the trumpet, Philotas; sound, and let every body know that the wonderful Doctor Appallacheosmocommetico has vouchsafed to stop here and confer his blessings upon the inhabitants of this town." Hereupon Num again blew the trumpet till he was black in the face; and Timothy, dropping on his donkey, rode away to other parts of the town, where he repeated his grandiloquent announcement, followed, as may be supposed, by a numerous cortege of little ragged boys.
About four o'clock in the afternoon, Melchior made his appearance in the market-place, attended by me, dressed as a German student, Timothy and Num in their costumes. A stage had been already prepared, and the populace had crowded round it more with the intention of laughing than of making purchases. The various packets were opened and arranged in front of the platform, I standing on one side of Melchior, Timothy on the other, and Num with his trumpet, holding on by one of the scaffold poles at the corner.
"Sound the trumpet, Philotas," said Melchior, taking off his three-cornered hat, and making a low bow to the audience, at every blast. "Pray, Mr. Fool, do you know why you sound the trumpet?"
"I'm sure I don't know," replied Num, opening his goggle eyes.
"Do you know, Mr. Dionysius?"
"Yes, sir, I can guess."
"Explain, then, to the gentlemen and ladies who have honoured us with their presence."
"Because, sir, trumpets are always sounded before great conquerors."
"Very true, sir-, but how am I a great conqueror?"
"You have conquered death, sir; and he's a very rum customer to have to deal with."
"Dionysius, you have answered well, and shall have some bullock's liver for your supper—don't forget to remind me, in case I forget it."
"No, that I won't, sir," replied Timothy, rubbing his stomach, as if delighted with the idea.
"Ladies and gentlemen," said Melchior to the audience, who were on the broad grin, "I see your mouths are all open, and are waiting for the pills; but be not too impatient—I cannot part with my medicines unless you have diseases which require their aid; and I should, indeed, be a sorry doctor, if I prescribed without knowing your complaints. Est neutrale genus signans rem non animatam, says Herodotus, which in English means, what is one man's meat is another man's poison; and further, he adds, Ut jecur, ut onus, put ut occiput, which is as much as to say, that what agrees with one temperament, will be injurious to another. Caution, therefore, becomes very necessary in the use of medicine; and my reputation depends upon my not permitting any one to take what is not good for him. And now, my very dear friends, I will first beg you to observe the peculiar qualities of the contents of this little phial. You observe, that there is not more than sixty drops in it, yet will these sixty drops add ten years to a man's life—for it will cure him of almost as many diseases. In the first place, are any of you troubled with the ascites, or dropsy, which, as the celebrated Galen hath declared, may be divided into three parts, the ascites, the anasarca, and the tympanites. The diagnostics of this disease are, swelling of the abdomen or stomach, difficulty of breathing, want of appetite, and a teasing cough. I say, have any of you this disease? None. Then I thank Heaven that you are not so afflicted.
"The next disease it is good for, is the peripneumonia, or inflammation on the lungs—the diagnostics or symptoms of which are, a small pulse, swelling of the eyes, and redness of the face. Say, have any of you these symptoms—if so, you have the disease. No one. I thank Heaven that you are none of you so afflicted.
"It is also a sovereign remedy for the diarrhoea, the diagnostics of which are, faintness, frequent gripings, rumbling in the bowels, cold sweats, and spasm."
Here one man came forward and complained of frequent gripings—another of rumbling in the bowels, and two or three more of cold sweats.
"It is well. O I thank Heaven that I am here to administer to you myself! for what says Hippocrates? Relativum cum antecedente concordat, which means, that remedies quickly applied, kill the disease in its birth. Here, my friends, take it—take it—pay me only one shilling and be thankful. When you go to rest, fail not to offer up your prayers. It is also a sovereign remedy for the dreadful chiragra or gout. I cured the whole corporation of city aldermen last week, by their taking three bottles each, and they presented me with the freedom of the city of London, in a gold box, which I am sorry that I have forgotten to bring
