we live without money?
GIRL. Wherever we want! We’ll live on a bench. In the bushes. On a soft green meadow. In a boat. Yes, in a boat! We’ll lie in it, embracing, and it will rock gently and carry us away, always to somewhere new. A brass band will meet us on every pier, and the music will ring out, and they’ll shower us with flowers, and we’ll drift and drift and have sex, and we’ll go so far that nobody will ever find us.
HUSBAND.… Nobody will ever find us.… OK, let’s do it!.
GIRL. When?
HUSBAND. Right now.
GIRL. Perfect. Wait here for me. I’ll go get a glass of water, take a tranquilizer, and then we’ll be ready to go.
HUSBAND. Just come right back, otherwise I’ll start thinking again.
GIRL. And what then?
HUSBAND. I’ll start having second thoughts and change my mind.
GIRL. I forbid you to think. You understand? Follow my example.
HUSBAND. I’ll try.
GIRL. Sit here, don’t move, don’t do anything and don’t think. I’ll be right back, and we’ll begin a new life!
The GIRL goes out. The HUSBAND waits for her impatiently. There can be an intermission here. The HUSBAND can stay on the stage, waiting for the GIRL.
PART TWO
The action between the first and second acts can proceed without an intermission.
GIRL. Perfect. Wait here for me. I’ll go get a glass of water, take a tranquilizer, and then we’ll be ready to go.
HUSBAND. Just come right back, otherwise I’ll start thinking again.
GIRL. And what then?
HUSBAND. I’ll start having second thoughts and change my mind.
GIRL. I forbid you to think. You understand? Follow my example.
HUSBAND. I’ll try.
GIRL. Sit here, don’t move, don’t do anything and don’t think. I’ll be right back, and we’ll begin a new life!
The GIRL exits. The HUSBAND waits for her impatiently. The PROFESSOR enters.
PROFESSOR. Let’s have sex.
HUSBAND. Thanks, my pleasure.
Pause.
PROFESSOR. Well?
HUSBAND. What?
PROFESSOR. I’m waiting to see what will follow your "thanks".
HUSBAND. I thought it was a greeting.
PROFESSOR. No, it was a business offer. So?
HUSBAND. I’m willing.
PROFESSOR. Then we’ll get started.
HUSBAND. (Looking around). I don’t see any women here.
PROFESSOR. We can manage perfectly well without them.
HUSBAND. Without women?!
PROFESSOR. Certainly. There’s you, there’s me, so there is a couple. What else do we need?
HUSBAND. I beg your pardon, but who are you?
PROFESSOR. I am a world-famous professor of psychiatry, psychology and sociology. A sexologist and sex pathologist. Treatment, consulting, lecturing. I get rid of complexes, inspire self-confidence, free people of their inhibitions. I cure frigidity and impotence. I satisfy the unsatisfied. It’s very hard work. Lots of calls. I get very tired.
HUSBAND. I’m not sure I understand exactly what you are offering concretely.
PROFESSOR. To have sex. What could be more concretely?
HUSBAND. Professor, with all due respect to you, to your wisdom, knowledge and age, to your gray hair and infinite understanding, you are no substitute for a woman to me.
PROFESSOR. Tell me, are you an intelligent person?
HUSBAND. I hope so.
PROFESSOR. Very well. Tell me, what is the most important thing in a partner for you – the body or the soul?
HUSBAND. The soul, certainly.
PROFESSOR. Then what difference does it make what body this soul has, male or female?
HUSBAND. For me – a very big difference.
PROFESSOR. Imagine a kindred soul so fine, sublime, gifted, intellectual, sympathetic …
HUSBAND. I have been searching for such a soul for a very long time. But this soul should inhabit a nice body, not too skinny and not too plump. And it is also important to me that this soul would have a normal woman’s breasts, slender legs and blue eyes.
PROFESSOR. In other words, you’re against homosexual love?
HUSBAND. Absolutely. But I can understand lesbians. Who wouldn’t be attracted to a blushing, soft, gentle, fresh, supple, appetizing, young female body. But any attraction to a man is unnatural.
PROFESSOR. But, you see, some women find men to be rather attractive.
HUSBAND. A perversion. Women will always have their follies.
PROFESSOR. Well, I’ll find you a woman. By the way, I have just been talking to two ladies.
HUSBAND. So have I.
PROFESSOR. I have every reason to believe that they will not object.
HUSBAND. They’re willing.
PROFESSOR. Which do you prefer – a plump blonde or a slim brunette?
HUSBAND. That’s a hard choice. What did you say, “a slim blonde or a plump brunette”?
PROFESSOR. No, the other way around – a plump blonde or a slim brunette.
HUSBAND. I would prefer a compromise.
PROFESSOR. Namely?
HUSBAND. A slender redhead.
PROFESSOR. And I thought you would choose both.
HUSBAND. That’s a good idea. Where are the women?
PROFESSOR. I don’t know. Let’s get back to the subject. What I am offering is not a coarse carnal act, but an educational process. In other words, I give lessons. Treatment, consulting, lecturing.
HUSBAND. What is there to lecture about?
PROFESSOR. How can you even ask that? Sex is a kind of transaction. And, as in any transaction, you must be considerate, discreet, skillful, and most important, persuasive. Are you persuasive in sex?
HUSBAND. I don’t know
