brought over Alex’s bloody just the way she liked it, no salt on the rim, not spicy, extra garnishes, and a beer chaser. What a good boy, Alex thought. That’s what she liked about that place. They knew her well and they always gave her what she wanted, without her having to ask for it. A great quality she looks for in every man, she giggled to herself.
Alex took a sip of her bloody, ate an olive, and slammed her beer chaser. She looked at Keira and said, “I hope I don’t disappoint you today. I don’t have anything juicy to tell you. I just needed to see you. We can talk about whatever you want I just can’t go home yet.” Keira was concerned and cocked her head to one side and asked Alex if something happened last night? Alex looked at her and shook her head, she didn’t know exactly how to tell her friend what happened. Alex took another drink and said, “How are you?” Keira gave her a wiseass smirk and said she was doing fine. She was doing so fine she could have stayed at home with Bump, Whisper, and Tobey, her three cats, if she knew Alex was going to invite her to come out for drinks and just stare at her.
All jokes aside, Keira was concerned about Alex and wanted her to spill, spill whatever it was she needed to get off her mind and chest, just get it out. Alex laughed and said, “Oh you want me to feel the feels?” She rolled her eyes. Keira looked at her and said, “I want you to tell me about your night. Do we need to order shots? What’s up?” She was trying to lighten the mood when she mentioned shots. Alex laughed and said, “No, we should wait to do shots for the next time Jesus comes to happy hour.” Jesus was one of Alex’s friends, just a friend. His real name was Tim, but they called him Jesus because Alex thought he looked like a Jesus. He was a huge pot smoker. He was high all the time and Keira and Alex loved him for it. He would always calm the mood down. He would have great one-liners like, ‘Don’t lie, it will make baby Jesus cry’ or ‘Don’t worry about the hill, just chill’. He had long, shoulder-length, brown hair. He usually dressed in jeans, sporting a band t-shirt, usually the Doors or the Grateful Dead, and a flannel. He had a sweet face and he laughed all the time. Whenever he came out for happy hour, he demanded shots, usually Patron tequila. Keira and Alex had a rule when taking shots, if they started drinking shots, they had to leave the bar within 15 minutes, otherwise, if they waited any longer than that, the shots would kick in and they wouldn’t be able to drive.
Since Keira wasn’t going to let it die, Alex shared with her what happened the night before. Alex said she had a rough day. Something triggered her, she didn’t say what it was, maybe she didn’t know what it was, if she did, she didn’t say. Alex just said she had a rough day. She went out to meet a few friends at a local bar. There was a local band playing so she thought why not.
Alex wasn’t feeling the music or the company, so she decided to just go home. Her plan was to pour a glass of wine, take a bath, listen to soft music and crash early. Her body and mind needed the rest. Alex walked into her home and shouted at Google, “Hey Google, play 3 AM In My Feelings.” A song by The Weekend came on. She walked into the bathroom and started her bathwater. She liked her bathwater hot, so hot it would burn the average person. She went into her bedroom, looked at her bed, it was big, empty, and uninviting. She started taking off her clothes. She was down to her panties and realized she needed to get a bottle of wine out. She walked into the kitchen; she grabbed a smooth and sweet California red blend and poured almost half the bottle in her wine glass. She walked back into the bathroom, lit some scented candles, poured some bubble bath in the bathtub, turned off the bathroom light, took off her panties, and slowly sat down into the bathtub. She yelled, “Hey Google, play Stateless music.” And then quickly after, she yelled, “Hey Google, turn up the volume”. An hour or so passed, Alex woke up to the song Bloodstream by Stateless. Alex sunk lower into the bathtub and started crying. She whispered to herself, feel the feels as if she could hear Darius whispering those words in her ear. She sat up, and she lifted her glass of wine to the ceiling as if she was toasting to someone. “Hey D! Here I am feeling ALL the feels. And guess what? It fucking sucks. I miss you. I miss your face. I miss your laugh. I miss you so fucking bad. I hate being here without you. It hurts! My fucking heart has been ripped from my chest. It’s gone. You’re gone and you promised me.” She cried some more. At that moment she contemplated doing something she would never want to admit to anyone, but she really did not want to live in a world that didn’t have Darius in it.
At that moment, Alex imagined Darius was with her, straddled behind her in the tub like he did so many times. She imagined him holding her, touching her, washing her hair, washing her back, caressing and kissing her. She must have been really buzzed because she could almost feel him, it felt so real. How she wished it was real. She fantasized that he was singing along with the song while he was playing with her hair and kissing the back of her neck. She cried and kept hearing him say, feel all the feels.
Alex finished her glass of wine, eventually got out of the bathtub, dried off her wet soapy body. She massaged her body with oil and got dressed for bed. It was late. She was drained, and she needed to be up for work in 4 hours. She slept hard and fast. Morning came way too soon. She woke up and messaged Keira asking if they could meet for drinks.
While Alex shared the story, she cried, she was shaking. Keira could see the pain all over Alex’s face and it was heart-wrenching. She couldn’t say or do anything to help her sweet friend. All she could do was be there, and she was always there. That’s when Keira wondered if Alex should stay with her for a while. Keira knew Alex needed to feel the feels but if at any time the feelings got too intense, she wanted Alex to know she could always stay with her, anytime, with no questions.
Keira and Alex looked at each other in silence for a few seconds, and then a tearful Alex wiped her eyes, smiled, and said, “I know Jesus isn’t here, but I think we better have some shots.” Keira smiled back, “Shots it is.” Both ladies raised their hands at the bartenders, Josh and Jeff. Jeff arrived at the table and asked if they needed more drinks. Alex ordered two rounds of Patron and the tab. When the shots arrived. Keira picked up her shot glass and cheersed to Alex, “To feeling all the feels.” Alex nodded her head, smiled and they both downed their shots. Alex picked up her second shot glass and cheersed it to Keira and said, “To good friends who are the light in the darkness.” Keira smiled with tears in her eyes and they both slammed their shots and got up from the table.
Chapter 9
When Keira started having knee problems, she asked for a transfer from the hospital to the clinic setting. They found her a research job, located on the floor where Alex worked, working with one of Alex’s doctors. Keira started on the floor while Alex was away on personal time off. Keira heard all about the young girl that worked on the floor who recently lost her husband tragically in a car accident. It was awful. People were talking about it all over, at the desk, in the halls, and in the lunchroom. Everyone was whispering about Alex and how sad it was that she was a widow already at such a young age. Keira didn’t know who they were talking about, but her stomach ached for the stranger.
A week past and Alex came back to work. It was hard for her. She was sad and she knew her co-workers were sad for her. She walked into the clinic and felt like people were looking at her. She heard whispers while she walked down the halls, some people just stared, and some walked up to her crying and offering hugs. When it was lunchtime, Alex opted against going to the lunchroom. It would have been horrible, full of awkward silence, people staring at her, or worse yet, people asking her how she was or saying they were sorry. Alex knew they all meant well but Alex just couldn’t be around it, around them. She wanted to do her job, go home, hide in her bed, and stay away from anyone who knew her, or knew her and Darius and their life together.
Alex grabbed a yogurt. She didn’t have much of an appetite these days. She walked down the hallway to find an open examining room to crash for 20 minutes or so during her lunch break. The last door on the right, at the end of the hall, was shut. The lights on the outside were shut off, indicating the room was empty. Alex pushed open the door. There was a woman that Alex had never seen before sitting at the desk typing away. She thought maybe she was a resident and just
