destatused Indigenous mamas and yt dads
race according to my yt mama/2
the first time I remember being conscious of the violence of race was
when I happened upon my mom watching Roots
on the screen a young black woman was being whipped
electric with fear I asked why
because she’s black
my mom said, and this uncontextualized response is true but I don’t
think she understood what that meant to not-yt me
Mariah according to my yt mama
when I try to talk to my mom about what it was like
to grow up surrounded by yt people in the prairies
in the 80s though it seemed like the 50s
she tells me in a so-there tone
that Mariah is a mixee and that people love her
I tell my mom that Mariah has talked publicly
about feeling some type of way about
being what she calls biracial
which is why on the early album covers
her hair is obscuring her face
there is a long pause then a I didn’t know that
I wish her first response wasn’t a disavowal of my experience
I wish when I said this to her she didn’t disavow my experience again
by telling me that my sibling didn’t feel shame about being a mixee
my sibling who in adulthood says
you’re more Chinese than me
mood disorder
aiya, the irony of my mental illness
bipolar II matching my biracial blood
me and Mariah
we may not go back like babies with pacifiers
but this is another thing we have in common
dual diagnosis
also called co-occurring disorders, or dual pathology, according to
Wikipedia, is the condition of suffering from a mental illness and a comorbid substance abuse problem
my addiction was the same as my father’s, was
my attempt to ameliorate the symptoms of
my dysfunctional fam my manic depression my bipolarity
is that what he was doing?
in my dad’s prison archive there is a report from a drug counsellor
suggesting that mom abused prescription drugs although she has never
admitted a drug problem
they both talked about suiciding
for me being bipolar isn’t amazing, I just hate it
when I got my diagnosis I was surprised and immediately was like WHERE are my delusions of grandeur WHY am I not writing award-winning albums and marrying Kim Kardashian and storming across the stage at the VMAs to tell Taylor Swift that the award doesn’t belong to her but to Beyoncé even though I’m not into Beyoncé?
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