says the doctor, “can you answer me?”
“I’ll stay with Ms. Webster.” His voice is just a whisper.
Nadine reaches out and touches Aaron’s forearm. “It’s been two years of this now. Appointment after appointment, and all you guys do is refer us to someone else.”
“I’m not referring you to anyone else in this instance. Aaron will continue his sessions with Ms. Webster, and we will reassess in a little while.”
“How long is a little while? And what more do you need to assess?”
“According to Ms. Webster’s notes, there have been a number of events in Aaron’s life recently that she considers to be major stressors. She recommends taking the time to work through these events and stabilize things first. I agree with her. After things are stabilized, then we can look at the best course of action for hormone therapy.”
“Events?”
“I understand that Aaron has been going through some stages of puberty in the last while that have been…” He pauses. “Impactful.” The doctor is unsure or unwilling to explain further.
Nadine knows full well what he means, though. When other kids Aaron’s age started to show signs, Nadine wondered if Aaron was caught in some strange limbo, which was only further proof that he wasn’t like everyone else. But just over a year ago, his voice started to change, and since then it’s felt like an endless series of puberty-related episodes. Hair growth, muscle growth. Each of these things set Aaron off and he’d cover his emotions by blasting grunge behind locked doors. Eventually, sometimes days later, he’d calm down and they’d talk about it. She bought him his own Lady Schick razors, and a bottle of hair removal cream. But they have yet to talk about the underwear she’s been finding in the trash for the past several weeks. She’s told him about wet dreams before, but now that they’re actually happening, he avoids any kind of discussion about them.
“Ms. Webster also indicates that Aaron is no longer attending school but doing his studies by correspondence.”
“That was not our choice. The principal at Beauville is just as small-minded as the parents.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” Dr. Goertzen clicks his pen a few times. “But isolation can add to what seems to be a very challenging time right now.” He stares at Aaron and Aaron’s chin quivers, but he clenches his jaw and stops it.
“In addition to the continued sessions,” Dr. Goertzen continues, “I’d like to recommend that we start Aaron on a course of antidepressants.”
“Antidepressants?”
“They will help alleviate some of this inner turmoil, and ultimately, we hope, help him cope with these challenges.”
“I don’t believe this.”
“What are your concerns?”
“My concern is that you don’t understand at all.” She twirls a purse tassel in her fingers. “This turmoil you say he’s going through, these stressors, his emotional state—these are all the result of one thing. If you would just fix that one thing, then there wouldn’t be any of these ‘other things.’”
“Miss Gourlay—”
“Stop with the ‘Miss Gourlay’ shit,” she says. “Please.”
“I am trying to help you in the best way I know how.”
“How? The one thing we’ve come to you for is the one thing you won’t give us. And because you won’t, things have gotten worse. And now you’re throwing solutions at us that don’t make sense.”
“Hormone therapy is not a decision to enter into lightly, especially for someone who is only fourteen. And if sex reassignment surgery is still the intended end goal,” he says, closing the file, “well, it’s not something that’s reversible if the client decides they were wrong.”
“I don’t know what’s worse,” Nadine says, leaning back in her chair, “the hicks back at home, or you people with all your education and money who think you know better than us.”
“Miss Gour—” He stops himself. “Nadine.”
“None of you know what the fuck you’re doing, do you? Two bloody years of this nonsense. All those framed certificates and degrees that are supposed to impress people,” she says, pointing at the walls, “they don’t mean dick when you can’t do what they say you’re supposed to, which is help people.”
“Getting upset doesn’t help the situation. In fact, it makes things worse for Aaron.”
Nadine falls silent. “You think I’m making things worse for my own child?”
“No, I recognize that you’re trying your best to help Aaron. However, I know things must be challenging for you as well. Money is tight and finding a job in your hometown is difficult. And you’ve mentioned you’re intentionally remaining single because of this situation.”
Nadine hugs her purse to her stomach.
“I think it would be beneficial if you were to discuss some of your challenges with a therapist as well. It doesn’t have to be the same as Aaron’s. In fact, it’d be better if you were to see someone other than Ms. Webster. I can put a referral in the system today.”
Nadine follows Aaron out the doors of the medical building. Rush hour. Endless cars, streams of people. A grey blur. She follows him down the sidewalk, in the opposite direction of their parked car.
“Aaron?”
He walks faster and then tucks into a narrow space between another building and its neighbour. There’s a faint odour of spray paint and urine.
“I’m so sorry,” Nadine says, and puts her hand on his shoulder.
“I keep thinking I’m getting closer but each time it just feels farther and farther away.” His voice is strained, crackly with emotion.
“I know, hon. I don’t know what to say. I thought we were getting the prescription today.” His head collapses onto her shoulder and she stretches up to put her arms around him. He’s had two inches on her for a while, but now his shoulders are broader too.
“He said just six more months.” Nadine squeezes him tighter. “We can do that, right?”
“There’s no guarantee he’ll write a prescription then, though.”
He’s right, but she doesn’t say so. “We can find another doctor,” she says instead.
“He’s the fourth one, Mom.”
“Goertzen is a pompous ass but he has gotten us this far.” The first three doctors they saw diagnosed Aaron with developmental disorders, ADHD, Asperger’s, even undernutrition.
“But how long is it going to take?”
“We’ll get there. I promise.” Footsteps and car horns bounce off the walls around them, almost deafening.
