I was resentful of the people in the meetings who were living life happily without alcohol. I was extremely angry much of the time. I can remember punching walls and having intense arguments.
I’m eternally grateful to a person who took me aside one day and sat me down in front of the Big Book. He talked and I listened. He pointed out “The Doctor’s Opinion,” “There Is a Solution,” and “More About Alcoholism,” then finished with the first paragraph of “We Agnostics.” It is in these chapters that the disease of alcoholism is talked about in great detail. I’d been in AA for over a year and I didn’t even know what an alcoholic really was. I knew that my life was unmanageable because of my drinking, but that was all. I saw that I had three choices: work the program on a daily basis as it was intended, drink, or go insane.
I’ve been given the chance to have choices and live life. I couldn’t have dreamed of having the life I do now. The Big Book is a text and I read it every day. I go to lots of meetings. I get there early and help set up. I stay late and help clean up. I extend my hand as it was extended to me. I hit my knees in the morning and at night. I clean house daily. I use my sponsor. I do the best I can to give away what has been so freely given to me. I’ve been given a second chance and I’m here to be of service.
Action is the key because “self” wants to creep in; “self” is what holds me back today. I must do these actions no matter how I feel or how my day went: had a great day, do the actions; had a bad day, do the actions. These actions keep the momentum going so when tough times come I’m on auto pilot. I give thanks to AA and a power greater than myself for the gift of sobriety today.
Scot G.
Blacksburg, Virginia
August 1995
I’ve Never Had a Legal Drink
I WAS BROUGHT UP in an alcoholic, dysfunctional home — dysfunctional mostly because I was in it. My father was an active AA member, but in the twenty years he was “on” the program, he never put a year of continuous sobriety together. My mother was a functioning alcoholic who drank every night in the solitude of her bedroom. I lived in a house of fear.
My mother told me if I ever found my dad’s booze to “get rid of it.” So when I found it, I got rid of it: I drank it.
My first drink was on a resentment; at my father for abandoning me every time he chose booze over me, at my mom for making me responsible to fix my dad, at the booze for being so much more important than me, and at God for putting me in this family.
I immediately found out why both of my parents chose booze over reality. I was an instant alcoholic. I drank to oblivion.
My dad sensed the change in me and began promoting AA to me with incentives such as “Hey, there are some young, cute guys in the Fellowship.” Well, my dad was right — those young, cute guys were there. I was able to see that even though AA wasn’t working for my dad, it did work. People were actually staying sober for more than a year. I attended meetings for ninety days, then I got back into life and busy again. I put together a year and a half of not drinking, without the program, and I chose to go back out.
It took only a year for me to find my way back in AA, utterly defeated. This time I got a sponsor who was eighteen and had five years of sobriety (not uncommon). I attended meetings regularly and began to build a spiritual foundation with my Higher Power. I can also utilize my religious teachings, but I always remember that “religion is for people who are afraid of hell, and spirituality is for people who have been there.”
God has blessed me with the precious gift of sobriety. He has never given me more than I can handle. He has put everything in my life that is good. God is my center of being. Nothing on this earth matters except for my spiritual growth. I have found that God is in me, in you, in all. He has given me the gifts of intuition, intelligence, and love. I don’t live in fear today. I live in the light.
As for my family: my mom found AA after she had her left foot amputated due to her alcoholism. My dad died alone in his condo on his kitchen floor. I found him after he had been dead for three days. I know my dad did not die in vain because he showed me how not to do this program. My mom and I both have over six years of continuous sobriety. We both have a sponsor, we both are in service, we both work our Steps, and we both have found our Higher Power.
This program has broken the alcoholic chain in my family tree. God saved me at a very young age and I can honestly say, “I’ve never had a legal drink in my life.”
I know God must have something very special and very important in store for me to have saved me from so much suffering. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been to jails and institutions, tried to kill myself at eighteen, and put myself through hell. Yet there are so many things I didn’t have to do. I reached my bottom when I put the shovel down. My whole life is finally integrated. I do practice these principles in all of my affairs. I’m constantly putting positive information into my brain to record over the “old tapes.” I used to say my mind was my worst enemy, but I now realize my mind is one of my most powerful tools.
I can never repay AA for the life I have today, but it’s my responsibility to give back freely as God directs me and to remain forever humble, honest, open-minded, and willing to do his will.
Pam H.
Garden Grove, California
June 1995
Wanted
FOURTEEN YEARS OLD and two thousand miles from home, I realized something wasn’t right in my life. I had run away from home two months before so that I’d be able to be “on my own.” I found myself in Amarillo, Texas. I’d been running with a gang, but now I found myself on the street. I feared the night. I found food in the dumpsters of restaurants until I learned to steal, and stealing became a way of life. It is the way I acquired my booze, my food, my cigarettes, and my clothing. I lived in the fear that some day I’d be caught. Sometimes I got sick to my stomach just thinking about it. It occurred to me that perhaps my life wasn’t normal, but the thought would soon pass. This was life as I knew it.
I didn’t dream of the day that I’d be a success in a career. Instead, I wanted to go back to the time when drinking was fun, when I could sneak out of the house and return late at night, when drinking didn’t bring me pain. I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I wanted a friend again.
In the fall of that year, I was placed in an adolescent facility for teenagers with social problems. It was an intense treatment. Most of those with me were convicted criminals. Though I’d also been guilty of crimes, I’d never been caught. The facility was safe and I liked it there. After three and a half months, they released me with the explanation that they were unable to help me. I was diagnosed an alcoholic and AA was strongly suggested.
At the first meeting I attended, I learned of the love that AAs have for each other. I was made to feel welcome. Unlike other organizations, there were no dues or initiation fees. In fact, I was told not to contribute until I’d been there six weeks. AA was different from anything I’d ever heard of. I was wanted.
It has been over seven years since I took a drink. Life hasn’t been all smooth sailing, but because of AA, I no longer have to live in fear. I sleep at night. I have a new relationship with my Creator. I have a purpose in life.
Shane L.
Mankato, Minnesota
May
