A Means to a Beginning (Excerpt)
February 1984
I picked out a sponsor who had reasonable sobriety, seven years, and was walking the walk. He told me, “Come follow me. I’ll show you how to …” I learned that sponsors are people with open minds, who suggest things to their “sponsees” or “pigeons.” They show us by example. They are not a means to an end, but a means to a beginning. They teach us how to participate in our own recovery by participating in life. They are a bridge to other members. Sponsors show us a picture of the whole of AA, beyond the meetings. They teach us about the Three Legacies. Sure, the first is Recovery—the Twelve Steps; but we must also keep this thing together—Unity, the Twelve Traditions; and we must carry the message—the Third Legacy, Service, guided by the Twelve Concepts.
The AA pamphlet “Questions and Answers on Sponsorship” states, “Experience shows clearly that the members getting the most out of the AA program, and the groups doing the best job of carrying the AA message to still-suffering alcoholics, are those for whom sponsorship is too important to be left to chance.”
Sponsorship is a bridge to trusting the human race, the very race we once resigned from. In learning to trust, we are strengthening our sobriety. And the benefit goes two ways. The Big Book best explains this: “Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics.” Or, to quote a friend and longtime AA member: “A man is no fool to give away something he cannot keep in order to get something he cannot lose.”
M. S.
Grand Island, Nebraska
Shopping For a Sponsor
May 2003
It took many years (and many relapses) before I understood the value of sponsorship. I had to learn the hard way that the word “I” does not exist in the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was my own sponsor for many years, and I got the results one might expect: repeated relapses, much frustration, and a deep sense of failure. I did not find the happiness, sense of purpose, and joy I heard about from others in Alcoholics Anonymous until I surrendered, and we (my sponsors and I) started to walk this journey together.
Newcomers frequently ask me how to choose a sponsor. Looking back, I now see that I’ve probably spent more time choosing a dress or CD than I’ve spent choosing the person who would help me with the most important task in my life—living sober, one day at a time.
Today, I am blessed with two wonderful sponsors, both solid AAs, and each a gift from God, who came when I became willing to become teachable. From their examples, this is what I have learned about what sponsors are and are not.
What sponsors are not:
Sponsors are not guidance counselors, marital counselors, lawyers, nor doctors. (I have seen tragic results from well-intentioned sponsors advising their sponsees to discontinue medications without their regular doctors’ consent.)
Sponsors are not bankers, mortgage companies, nor other financial institutions.
Sponsors are not babysitters, best friends, nor preachers.
Sponsors are not dictators or drill sergeants.
Sponsors are not God.
Then what, you may be wondering, do sponsors do?
When I asked my sponsor this question, she suggested that I read the seventh chapter of the Big Book, “Working with Others.” A sponsor’s only job (and only area of expertise) is to help fellow alcoholics not take that first drink by passing this program on to others as it was passed on to him or her in order to stay sober. The only qualification is his or her own experience learning to stay and live sober, and the gift a sponsor gives is the hope, should another alcoholic care to listen, that he or she might do the same.
With this in mind, here are some other questions I learned to consider when choosing a sponsor:
Does he or she truly walk the walk, or simply talk the talk? (I learn best from demonstrations, not lectures.)
Is she or he active in service work?
Do they speak from their own experience?
Does he or she refer to the Big Book, the “Twelve and Twelve,” and other AA literature when they speak?
Most importantly, is she or he happy in sobriety? I spent years in the miserable darkness of alcoholism. I did not know what real happiness was when I came through the doors of AA. I needed someone to teach me, by example, how to live in peace and joy and service in this world through the Steps and fellowship of this program. I believe that happiness and joy are a result of taking the Steps and doing the next right thing. I cannot do this or any part of the program alone and today, thanks to the God of my understanding, the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and my sponsors, I never have to again.
RITA H.
Greensboro, North Carolina
The Silent Sponsor (Excerpt)
December 1964
I have heard certain members of AA say that they were able to make the program without feeling the need for a sponsor. Others contend that they have never played the part of a sponsor, although they admit to being active in other ways. These are honest statements and represent a large number of AAs, perhaps even a majority, who have been able to find sobriety either without knowingly picking a sponsor or being picked, or both. However, I believe that sponsorship may also be an unspoken phenomenon—a natural result of the newcomer’s need for guidance and the older member’s sense of responsibility toward the newcomer.
A newcomer will almost always encounter at least one older member whom he likes, looks up to or respects. He will listen to him, discuss problems with him and even try to emulate him. At these moments sponsorship is taking place without the word sponsor ever having been mentioned. In many cases the new member may not even be aware of what the word means, if in fact he has heard it at all, until he has reached the point in his recovery where he no longer really needs a sponsor in the academic sense.
I believe that we should never insist on a formalized sponsorship. If a newcomer learns to rely too heavily on any one member he may become too one-sided in his thinking, or he may become overly dependent on his sponsor. As I see it, proper guidance in AA must come from a group rather than an individual; the newcomer is cheating himself if he allows any one member to dominate his thinking. A newcomer should learn to stand on his own feet and eventually take his place in the group, independent of any outside influence except the Higher Power.
J. S. C.
New Hartford, New York
A Canadian Sponsor's Program (Excerpt)
February 1953
In my belief the most important responsibility the sponsor has to the new member, is example.
There is no use running around like a hen on a hot griddle while preaching “easy does it.”
No use allowing bigotry to ooze from one’s every utterance while
