Well, out with it, then. Ge. Just now at the harbor—Ant. What, my—Ge. That's right. Ant. I'm done for!
Phædria has not Antipho's fear-sharpened imagination to get Geta's news from these fragmentary statements, and asks the slave to tell him what it is all about.
Geta. I tell you that I have seen his father, your uncle. Ant. [frantically]. How shall I meet this sudden disaster? But if it has come to this, Phanium [his wife], that I am to be separated from you, then I don't want to live any longer. Ge. There, there, Antipho, in such a state of things you ought to be all the more on the watch. Fortune favors the brave, you know. Ant. [with choking voice]. I'm not myself to-day. Ge. But you must be, Antipho; for if your father sees that you are timid and meek about it, he'll think of course that you are in the wrong. Ant. But, I tell you, I can't do any different. Ge. What would you do if you had some harder job yet? Ant. Since I can't do this, I couldn't do that. Ge. Come, Phædria, there's no use fooling with this fellow; we're only wasting our time. Let's be off. Phæd. All right, come on. Ant. O say, hold on! What if I pretend to be bold. [Strikes an attitude]. Will that do? Ge. Stuff and nonsense. Ant. Well, how will this expression do? Ge. It won't do at all. Ant. How is this? Ge. That's more like it. Ant. Is this better? Ge. That's just right. Keep on looking that way. And remember to answer him word for word, tit for tat, and don't let the angry old man get the better of you. Ant. I—I—w-won't. Ge. Tell him you were forced to it against your will—Phæd. By the law, by the court. Ge. Do you catch on?—But who is this old man I see coming up the street?
Antipho casts one look of terror down the street, cries: "It's father himself, I just can't stay," and takes to his heels.
Phæd. Now, Geta, what next? Ge. Well, you're in for a row; and I shall be hung up by the heels and flogged, unless I am much mistaken. But what we were advising Antipho to do just now, we must do ourselves. Phæd. O, come off with your "musts"! Tell me just what to do. Ge. Do you remember how you said when we were planning how to get out of blame for this business that "Phormio's suit was just dead easy, sure to win"? Well, that's the game we want to work now—or a better one yet, if you can think of one. Now you go ahead and I'll wait here in ambush, in case you want any help.
They retire to the back of the stage as Demipho enters from the direction of the harbor. The old man is in a towering rage, for he has heard the news, which by this time is all over town. After listening awhile to his angry soliloquy, and interjecting sneering comments sotto voce, Geta and Phædria conclude that it is time to act. So Phædria advances to his uncle with an effusive welcome:
Phæd. My dear uncle, how do you do? Demipho [crustily]. How are you? But where is Antipho? Phæd. I'm so glad to see—Dem. Oh, no doubt; but answer my questions. Phæd. Oh, he's all right; he's here in the house. But, uncle, has anything gone wrong with you? Dem. Well, I should say so. Phæd. What do you mean? Dem. How can you ask, Phædria? This is a pretty marriage you have gotten up here in my absence. Phæd. Why, uncle, you aren't angry with him for that, are you? Dem. Not angry with him, indeed? I can hardly wait to see him and let him know how through his own fault his indulgent father has become most stern and angry with him. Phæd. Now, uncle, if Antipho has been at fault in that he wasn't careful enough of his purse or reputation, I haven't a word to say to shield him from blame. But if some one with malicious intent has laid a trap for him and got the best of him, is that our fault, or that of the judges, who often decide against the rich through envy, and in favor of the poor out of pity? Dem. But how is any judge to know the justice of your case, when you don't say a word in self-defense, as I understand he didn't? Phæd. Well, in that he acted like a well-bred young man; when he came before the judges, he couldn't remember a word of his speech that he had prepared; he was so bashful.
Seeing that Phædria is getting along so well, Geta decides to come forward.
Ge. Hail, master! I'm very glad to see you home safe again. Dem. [with angry irony]. Hail! A fine guardian you are! A regular pillar of the family! So you are the fellow that I left in charge of my son when I went away?
Geta plays injured innocence, and wants to know what Demipho would have had him do. Being a slave, he could neither plead the young man's cause nor testify in his behalf.
Dem. O, yes; I admit all that. But even if the girl was never so much related, he needn't have married her. Why didn't you take the other legal alternative, give her a dowry, and let her find another husband? Had he no more sense than to marry her himself? Ge. O, he had sense enough; it was the dollars he lacked. Dem. Well, he might have borrowed the money. Ge. Borrowed it? That's easier said than done. Dem. He might have gotten it from a usurer on a pinch. Ge. Well, I do like that! As if any one would lend him money in your lifetime!
The old man, beaten to a standstill, can only fall back upon his obstinate determination, and vow that he won't have it.
Dem. No, no; it shall not be, it cannot be! I won't permit this marriage to continue for a single day longer. Now, I want to see that other fellow, or at least find out where he lives. Ge. Do you mean Phormio? Dem. I mean that woman's guardian. Ge. I'll go get him for you. Dem. Where is Antipho now? Ge. O, he's out somewhere. Dem. Phædria, you go hunt him up and bring him to me. Phæd. Yes, sir; I'll go find him right away. Ge. [leering at Phædria as the latter passes him]. You mean you'll go to Pamphila [Phædria's sweetheart].
Demipho, left alone, announces that he will get some friends together to advise him in the business, and prepare him for his interview with Phormio. The act ends with the prospect pretty dark for Antipho, and with no plan of action formed in his behalf.
We are now introduced, at the opening of the second act, to the actor of the title rôle, the keen-witted, reckless parasite, Phormio. He is accompanied upon the stage by Geta, who is telling him the situation. Geta beseeches Phormio to come to their aid, since he is, after all, entirely responsible for the trouble. Phormio remains buried in thought awhile, and then announces that he has his plans formed, and is ready to meet the old man.
[Enter Demipho and three friends from the other side of the stage. Demipho is talking to his friends.]
Dem. Did you ever hear of any one suffering more outrageous treatment than I have? I beg you to help me. Ge. [apart to Phormio]. My, but he's mad! Phor. You just watch me now; I'll stir him up. [Speaking in a loud enough tone to be overheard by Demipho]. By all the powers! Does Demipho say that Phanium isn't related to him? Does Demipho say so? Ge. Yes, he does.
Demipho is caught by this bait, as Phormio had intended, and says to his friends in an undertone:
I believe this is the very fellow I was seeking. Let's go a little nearer.
Phormio continues in a loud voice to berate Demipho for his neglect of the supposed relative, while Geta noisily takes his master's part. Demipho now interrupts this sham quarrel, and after snubbing Geta, he turns with mock politeness to Phormio.
Dem. Young man, I beg your pardon, but will you be kind enough to tell me who that friend of yours was that you are talking about, and how he said I was related to him? Phor. O, you ask as if you didn't know. Dem. As if I didn't know? Phor. Yes. Dem. And I say that I don't know. Now do you, who say that I do, refresh my memory. Phor. Didn't you know your own cousin? Dem. O, you make me tired. Tell me his name. Phor. The name? Why, certainly.
But now
