following: "If you are truly around, Babaji, and this is not just a fairy tale, then I would very much want to be your student. I would love to have such a pure teacher." I then forgot all about my communication. However, unusual events occurred in my life, and two years later, I found myself sitting next to Babaji in the foothills of the Himalayas. This was a place that I would not, in my wildest imagination, ever dreamed of visiting.
One of the unusual incidents that prepared me for Babaji's teachings was meeting with some Western renunciates who were the disciples of an Indian Tantric master. The way I understand it, a renunciate is a person who has given up worldly attachments in order to gain higher purity and awareness. Their spontaneity and aliveness attracted me. I was introduced to Kundalini meditation. I was impressed with the wisdom that seemed to pour out of the people with whom I interacted. One renunciate asked me, "When are you going to India?"
India was the furthest thing from my mind.
"Tomorrow," I replied jokingly.
Why not? was my next thought. It would certainly be a liberating experience to just pick up and go. What a luxury! But I could not do it. My first consideration was money. I didn't have enough for such a trip. Then, suddenly, in that same week, for the first time in my life, I had some money of my own, about $2,000. I had never before had that amount to myself. It suddenly became clear to me that I was destined to go to India. If not, why had the money suddenly appeared? I felt a surge of excitement within me. Why not? What else was stopping me? My husband, my son, and my work. Thinking it through, I decided that everyone would benefit if I continued to grow emotionally. I finished my duties as a clinical staff psychologist and as adjunct professor at Kean College. In July, 1977, I flew to India. I decided to experiment with becoming a renunciate and I was given the name Ma Prem Shivani (Mother/Goddess of Love). My life began to take on a new form. I realize now that, without this person's teachings, I would have never understood Babaji. I would have run away, discarding his teaching as crazy.
In India, I felt as though I had discovered myself. I joined a few encounter groups and released a lot of junk from my past. Most of the groups were conducted in the nude. I at first felt resistance to taking my clothes off. The group leader said in disdain, "You are a therapist and you are embarrassed to take your clothes off? What happens when a patient tells you about his sex life? Do you also feel embarrassed?"
I reflected on my interactions with patients and realized that I did feel uncomfortable when the subject of sex came up. I pondered how I could be helpful to someone else if I myself had not yet resolved that discomfort in me.
I took off my clothes. It did not take long to adjust because it really was not a big deal. As time went by, I became freer and new experiences started happening. For example, I started experiencing new states of ecstasy or, as some call it, body orgasms in the absence of sex. My whole body would start melting into some kind of energy field and I would vibrate with delicious feelings that reached very high peaks. I certainly didn't expect it to be that good.
While I was in India, I remember thinking of Babaji and calling his name. I felt a little foolish yet open to the possibility of his appearing to me.
"Babaji, I am in India now. It is really you that I want to meet."
At the end of my visit, I wondered if it would be healthier and a more genuine life for me to stay in India for good. I was very tempted. In the end, I decided to return home. Now that I knew what ecstasy was like, I would try to find a way to maintain it and to bring it home with me to my family and friends.
I remained a disciple of this tantric teacher for one year. At times, I felt embarrassed and even ashamed of the idea of having a guru. Most of the time, however, I was able to feel high and content. Although I encountered a lot of resistance at home, for the most part my friends were intrigued and supported me in my new venture, at least at first. Later on they felt scared of my new knowledge (so I thought) and avoided me. I felt scared, too. At first I did not trust my judgment enough and longed for support. In contrast, now I feel certain and the results in my life are a good proof that this path is valid.
I did not want to handle being considered a kook. So after one year of struggling with it, I decided either to totally commit myself to it or drop it. I didn't feel honest being considered a disciple to some and hiding it from others. So I decided to drop it.
I conduct therapeutic workshops and educational seminars for people, like myself, who do not need deep rooted psychological work but who would like to improve the quality of their lives. In the middle of one of the workshops I was conducting, I announced that I was changing my name back to Shdema and that I was no longer a disciple.
Within that very same week, I met Leonard Orr, who started talking about his meeting with Babaji. I nearly jumped out of my chair in excitement and disbelief.
"You don't mean the Babaji from Autobiography of a Yogi, do you?"
Yes, that is the one I am talking about."
"Yippie," I shouted. "He is in a body?"
"Yes, he materialized a body in 1970."
I could not help feeling skeptical. It was too good to be true. Was it possible that Babaji was not a fairy tale after all? I felt both elated and suspicious.
I have come to give, only to give. Are you ready to receive? I give everything, but few ask for the real thing I have come to give." Shri Babaji (1970-1984)
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