snorted, collapsed back on to the mattress. I could kill him, she thought, as he lies here; or just maim him if I liked. She found a bunch of credit-card receipts in his knicker drawer; her index finger shuffled through them. She found newspaper ads for sex lines: spicy lesbo chicks!
She packed a bag. Surely he would wake? Drawers clicked, opening and shutting. She glanced over her shoulder. Gavin stirred, made a sort of whinny, and settled back again into sleep. She reached down to unplug her hairdryer, wrapped the flex around her hand and stood thinking. She was entitled to half the equity in the flat; if he would embrace the car loan, she would continue paying off the wedding. She hesitated for a final moment. Her foot was on the wet patch the ice had left. Automatically, she plucked a tissue from an open box and blotted the carpet. Her fingers squeezed, the paper reduced itself to wet pulp. She walked away, brushing her hands together to jettison it.
Gavin’s screensaver had come up. Colette slotted a floppy into his drive, and overwrote his programs. She had heard of women who, before departing, scissored up their husband’s clothes. But Gavin’s clothes, in their existing state, were punishment enough. She had heard of women who performed castration; but she didn’t want to go to jail. No, let’s see how he gets on without his bits and bytes, she thought. With one keystroke, she wrecked his operating system.
She went down to the south coast to see a noted psychometrist, Natasha. She didn’t know then, of course, that Natasha would figure in her later life. At the time, it was just another hope she grappled with, a hope of making sense of herself; it was just another item in her strained monthly budget.
The flat was two blocks back from the sea. She parked with difficulty and at some distance. She wasted time looking for the street numbers. When she found the right door she rang the bell and spoke into the intercom: ‘I’m your eleven thirty.’
Without a word, the psychic buzzed her up; but she thought she had heard a cough, stifling a little laugh. Her cheeks burned. She ran up three flights and as soon as Natasha opened the door she said, ‘I’m not late.’
‘No, dear. You’re my eleven thirty.’
‘You really ought to tell your clients where to park.’
The psychic smiled tightly. She was a sharp little bleached-blonde with a big jaw, common as a centrefold. ‘What,’ she said, ‘you think I should exercise my powers and keep a space free?’
‘I meant you should send a map.’
Natasha turned to lead the way: tight high bottom in those kind of jeans that act as a corset. She’s too old, Colette thought, for denim; shouldn’t somebody tell her?
‘Sit there,’ Natasha said precisely, dipping her false nail.
‘The sun’s in my eyes,’ Colette said.
‘Diddums,’ said Natasha.
A sad-eyed icon drooped at her, from a cheap gilt frame on the wall; a mist washed up from the sea. She sat, and flipped open her shoulder bag: ‘Do you want the cheque now?’
She wrote it. She waited for the offer of a cup of herb tea. It didn’t come. She almost had hopes of Natasha; she was nasty, but there was a businesslike briskness about her that she’d never found in any psychic so far.
‘Anything to give me?’ Natasha said.
She dived into her bag and passed over her mother’s wedding ring.
Natasha twirled it around her forefinger. ‘Quite a smiley lady.’
‘Oh, smiley,’ Colette said. ‘I concede that.’
She passed over a pair of cuff-links that had belonged to her dad.
‘Is that the best you can manage?’
‘I don’t have anything else of his.’
‘Sad,’ Natasha said. ‘Can’t have been much of a relationship, can it? I sense that men don’t warm to you, somehow.’ She sat back in her chair, her eyes far away. Colette waited, respectfully silent. ‘Well, look, I’m not getting much from these.’ She jiggled the cuff-links in her hand. ‘They’re definitely your dad’s, are they? The thing is, with cuff-links, with dads, they get them for Christmas and then it’s, “Oh, thanks, thanks a bunch, just what I always needed!”’
Colette nodded. ‘But what can you do? What can you get, for men?’
‘Bottle of Scotch?’
‘Yes, but you want something that will last.’
‘So he stuffs them in a drawer? Forgets he’s got them?’
She wanted to say, why do you think men don’t warm to me? Instead she opened her bag again. ‘My wedding ring,’ she said. ‘I suppose you didn’t think I’d been married?’
Natasha held out a flat, open palm. Colette placed the ring on it. ‘Oh dear,’ Natasha said. ‘Oh dear, oh dear.’
‘Don’t worry, I’ve already left.’
‘Sometimes you’ve got to cut your losses,’ Natasha agreed. ‘Well, sweetie, what else can I tell you?’
‘It’s possible I might be psychic myself,’ Colette said casually. ‘Certain, really. I dialled a number and a dead person answered.’
‘That’s unusual.’ Natasha’s eyes flitted sideways, in a calculating way. ‘Which psychic line offers that service?’
‘I wasn’t calling a psychic line. I was calling my mother-in-law. It turned out she was dead.’
‘So what gave you the idea?’
‘No – no, look, you have to understand how it happened. I didn’t know she was dead when I rang. I didn’t know till afterwards.’
‘So she was dead when you called? But you didn’t realise?’
‘Yes.’
‘So she came over from beyond?’
‘Yes.’
‘What did she say to you?’
‘She said she’d got a stairlift. It was a lie.’
‘Well, perhaps…she’s got one in spirit?’
Colette considered. Renee had said there was no comfort she lacked. ‘I’m not really bothered about that aspect, about what she said, only that she picked the phone up. That she answered. At first that was what bothered me, about the stairlift – that she didn’t even say the truth – but then when I thought about it, her saying anything seemed to be the most surprising – well, you know.’ Colette’s voice died in her throat. She was not used to speaking her thoughts. Life with Gavin had discouraged her. ‘Nothing like that’s ever happened to me before, but I think it proves I must have a gift. I’m a bit bored with my job and I wouldn’t mind a change. I wondered about this, you know? If there’s much money in it.’
Natasha laughed. ‘Well, if you think you could stand the pace. You have to train.’
‘Oh,
