at the minute. It doesn‘t help that Hélène is one of the cutest – all curls, dimples and giggles.
How do I keep a lid on the pain when a musical giggle or cheeky smile can wrench it wide open at any time and with no warning?
‘Bonjour, Sophie. Ça va?’ Marie crouches down next to me to unzip Hélène‘s coat and pull off her pink snow boots.
‘Oui.’ I nod and try to up the wattage of my smile. ‘She‘s grown so much since I last saw her.’
Marie smiles that proud, contented-mother smile that has the same effect on me as salt on a red-raw wound. It excludes me and makes me feel less, somehow. Faulty and unwomanly.
Unfulfilled.
I glance at Marie. Has Luc’s mum has told her I’m infertile? I wish Luc and I hadn’t agreed not to tell his parents about our adoption application problems. He doesn’t want to worry them, which I get but … not talking about the thing tearing me apart isolates me even more. Like I’m trapped in a glass dome but forced to smile and pretend nothing’s wrong.
I could think about the other elephant in the room, the one trumpeting loudly for my attention. How do I tell Mum she has to ditch all her plans, that the wedding has to be in Switzerland? She’ll understand with Luc’s dad not being well, won’t she?
Maybe if I open with that news, she’ll suggest looking for Swiss venues herself? It’s the wimpy way to do it, I know, but I can’t face a big row. Not after the week Luc and I have had. I can’t take the backlash of another emotional onslaught, not now.
I sit back down next to Luc and slip my hand into his as we wait for his mum to bring out her renowned confit of duck. She’s a superb cook and it’s one of my favourite dishes, but right now I’m not sure I’ll be able to swallow anything. My chest feels too tight and my body too full of emotion to leave any room for food.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Blind Date
I don‘t care what you say, you‘ve got to be having more fun than me at the moment. So, as you replied to me I‘ll tell you how my date went. As soon as I got there he started showing me photos on his phone. Not willy shots like that other creep but photos of before, after and DURING his recent plastic surgery.
Can you imagine?
I think I should avoid internet dates and focus on work for a while. The men I find on the internet all seem to be either married or weird. Or both.
I‘ve decided to actively not date in the hope the right man will come and find me. I figure I‘ve tried everything else, so why not try not trying?
Did you hook up with someone at that party you went to? I can‘t believe you‘re partying in Verbier, you lucky cow :-)
Now I‘m not dating I expect to live vicariously through you, so you have to stay in touch and give me all the goss.
Love,
Debbie
From: [email protected]
Subject: Blind Date
Your date sounds awful. I think you‘ve got the right idea staying clear of Internet dating for a while.
I won‘t lie, the party at the chalet I went to was very glam, but I‘ve not got much to report. Most of the men I‘m meeting are ski instructors who aren‘t into anything long term or married men looking for a quick fumble behind their wives‘ backs!
So, it looks like it might be harder than I thought to meet someone.
I‘ve got a skiing lesson tomorrow btw, wish me luck :-)
Love from
Beth
xx
BETH
So it turns out I‘m a rubbish skier.
‘I‘m sorry, Lucy, I‘m wasting your time.’ I decide not to get up out of the snowdrift I just landed in. My salopettes are surprisingly warm and totally waterproof. I think I‘ll just stay here until I‘ve recovered from the bruising to my pride and my bottom.
‘Don‘t worry about it, it‘s only your first lesson after all.’ Lucy parks her skis in the snow and sits down next to me. ‘I learnt when I was a little girl in the Highlands. Trust me, it‘s much easier to learn as a kid because you‘re not so afraid of falling. Plus a child‘s centre of gravity is much lower anyway, so they‘re less likely to fall in the first place.’
As if to prove her point, a crocodile line of tiny tots makes their way down the nursery slope, zigzagging with perfect control. The two female instructors with them wave at Lucy and she waves back.
‘Oh God, that‘s embarrassing.’ I sink my head into my hands.
‘It‘s because they‘re not afraid,’ Lucy explains. ‘They have no problem with shifting their weight to the front. You keep leaning back because you‘re afraid of falling forward. Which is why …’
‘I keep ending up on my bottom,’ I interrupt, groaning. ‘I‘m going to be sore tomorrow.’
‘That‘s a given.’ She shrugs. ‘It‘ll be better when you get over your fear.’
Easier said than done. That might be difficult, given fear is my default setting.
‘Shall we call it a day?’ I unclip my skis. I‘ve had quite enough of falling over for one day. ‘I‘m sure you‘d rather be off skiing some black run or doing death-defying leaps at the snow park. I‘ve taken up more than enough of your time.’
‘Not at all, but it might be an idea to stop there for today.’ She checks her phone. ‘I think I’ll head to the snow park, if you‘re sure you don‘t mind.’
‘Of course not,’ I reply hurriedly before she can change her mind. ‘Thanks, Lucy, I appreciate you giving up your spare time to teach me.’
‘No problem.’ She smiles as she snaps her skis back on. ‘I expect to see you here the same time tomorrow. No excuses.’
I groan.
‘You‘ll thank me one day.’ Lucy laughs and heads off at a speed that terrifies me.
It looks as if she plans to get me skiing if it kills her. Or me, which is much more likely. I make my way to the nearest cantine for a restorative hot chocolate and realise I haven‘t thought about anything unpleasant for the past hour other than staying upright and remembering Lucy‘s instructions. Maybe I will keep up the lessons after all.
The cantine isn‘t too crowded and
