Any exercise that gets your heart beating faster and makes you out of breath is aerobic – the term is a technical one to do with the fact that your heart needs extra oxygen to help the muscles keep up. However, aerobics classes are a masochistic form of keep-fit, run by a special type of gym instructor who is bred for bossiness and intolerance and who has a particularly irritating voice. If you leave their classes without feeling as though you’ve gone five rounds with Mike Tyson and then been knocked over by a 4 × 4 on the way home, they’ll think they’ve failed. ‘No pain, no gain,’ said Jane Fonda, one of the original devotees, little knowing what she was starting.
For all this effort you’d expect a decent calorie-burning payoff, yet a two-hour aerobics class would barely deal with a large portion of Black Forest gateau (840 kcal), and leave no room at all for a skoosh of double cream on top (149 kcal).
| Your weight | Calories burned in 1 hr of high-impact aerobics | Time needed to burn off a portion of Black Forest gateau |
|---|---|---|
| 9 stone (57 kg) 10 stone (64 kg) 11 stone (70 kg) 12 stone (77 kg) | 352 394 450 506 | 2 hrs 23 mins 2 hrs 8 mins 1 hr 52 mins 1 hr 40 mins |
Put a bit of Latin gusto into your arguments. Wild arm movements and petulant stomping will get your point across much more clearly than calm, quiet discussion – and you’ll burn an extra 30 to 60 kcal an hour in the process.
Try not to resort to Boxing, Martial Arts or Wrestling (q.v.) though; outside the sports arena they could get you arrested. Instead, think like a toddler and be prepared to have a full-blown tantrum, writhing around on the carpet, foaming at the mouth and refusing point blank to back down.
Hot-cross buns (187 kcal each), Jammie Dodgers (437 kcal for 100g) and rum punch (284 kcal for a tall, 250 ml glass) are all good fighting foods. You’re going to have to drag out your disagreement for a long time to burn off their calories, though. Make sure you choose a worthy opponent with plenty of flab of their own to burn.
| Your weight | Calories burned in 1 hr of arguing | Time needed to burn off a hot-cross bun |
|---|---|---|
| 9 stone (57 kg) 10 stone (64 kg) 11 stone (70 kg) 12 stone (77 kg) |
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